Just a little humor

G: My buddy put an ad in the personals that said, "wife wanted."He got over 100 responses, each of which said, "You can have mine."

H: Lucky for me I married miss wright. I just didn't know her first name was Always. She's a beautiful woman. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

G: I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; she doesn't like me to interrupt. Actually my wife & I were happy for 18 years. Then we met.

H: I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way home again.
 
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." President Richard Nixon, commenting on the oval office audio recordings that document Nixon's Watergate burglary cover-up
 
YOGI BERRA'S TOP 35 QUOTES:
1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
2. “It’s deja vu all over again.”
3. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
4. “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
5. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
6. “You can observe a lot by watching.”
7. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
8. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”
9. “It gets late early out here.”
10. “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”
11. “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
12. “Pair up in threes.”
13. “Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.”
14. “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
15. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
16. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
17. “Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”
18. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
19. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
20. “I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”
Modal Trigger
Joe DiMaggio and Yogi Berra in 1955.
21. “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
22. “I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”
23. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
24. “In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”
25. “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
26. “I never said most of the things I said.”
27. “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”
28. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
29. “I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.”
30. “So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”
31. “Take it with a grin of salt.”
32. (On the 1973 Mets) “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
33. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
34. “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
35. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
(Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated)

1737132010772.png
 
Shiftless2 said:
YOGI BERRA
1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.” #566
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Didn't know that was Yogi.
Shiftless2 said:
2. “It’s deja vu all over again.”
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Knew that was Yogi.
Shiftless2 said:
14. “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
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One of my faves Yogi. And
"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." Yogi Berra -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
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😵‍💫
 
- "'Nauseous' means sickening to contemplate. 'Nauseated' means sick at the stomach. Do not, therefore, say 'I feel nauseous,' unless you are sure you have that effect on others." E.B.White

- "The most effective gun safety device is education." NRA Exec. V.P. Wayne LaPierre

- IBM founder Thomas John Watson (1874-1956) predicted only a few (~5?) computers would ever be needed.

- "There never will be talking pictures." D.W. Griffith

- Of all the arts, the cinema is the most important. Vladimir Ilich "Nikolai" Lenin 1870-1924

- note:
The 2025 Superbowl (Feb. 9) is represented by Roman numerals: LIX

lick (lĭk)
v. licked, lick·ing, licks
v.tr.
1. To pass the tongue over or along: lick a stamp.
2. To lap up: The cat licked the milk from the bowl.
3. To lap or flicker at like a tongue: The waves licked the sides of the boat.
4. Slang
a. To beat or thrash.
b. To defeat soundly: licked their rivals in lacrosse.
c. To deal with effectively; overcome: licked her weight problem.
v.intr.
To pass or lap quickly and rapidly: The flames licked at our feet.
n.
1. The act or process of licking.
2. An amount obtained by licking: a lick of ice cream.
3. A small quantity; a bit: hasn't got a lick of common sense.
4. A deposit of exposed natural salt that is licked by passing animals.
5. Slang A sudden hard stroke; a blow.
6. Slang An attempt; a try: Why not give those skis a lick?
7. Informal Speed; pace: moving along at a good lick.
8. Music A phrase improvised by a soloist, especially on the guitar or banjo.
Idioms:
lick and a promise
A superficial effort made without care or enthusiasm.
lick into shape Informal
To bring into satisfactory condition or appearance.
lick (one's) chops
To anticipate delightedly.
lick (one's) wounds
To recuperate after a defeat.
lick (someone's) boots
To behave in a servile or obsequious manner toward someone.
[Middle English licken, from Old English liccian; see leigh- in the Appendix of Indo-European roots.]
licker n.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.
 
A man walks into a restaurant, followed by a full-grown ostrich.
The waitress approaches and asks for their order.
The man replies, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a Coke." Then he turns to the ostrich and asks, "What about you?"
"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short while later, the waitress returns with their food. "That’ll be $9.40," she says. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount, paying without hesitation.
The next day, the man and the ostrich return. Once again, the man orders, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke," and the ostrich echoes, "I’ll have the same." The man reaches into his pocket and produces the exact change, just like before.
This pattern continues for days, until one Friday evening when they return to the restaurant.
"The usual?" the waitress asks.
"Not tonight," the man replies. "It’s Friday, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato, and a salad."
"Same," says the ostrich.
When the meal is served, the waitress informs them, "That’ll be $32.62." As always, the man reaches into his pocket and retrieves the exact amount.
Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, the waitress asks, "Sir, how do you always have the exact change for everything you buy?"
The man smiles and explains, "A few years ago, I was cleaning my attic and came across an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted me two wishes. For my first wish, I asked that whenever I needed to pay for something, I could just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount."
"That’s incredible!" says the waitress. "Most people would just wish for a fortune, but you’ve got a system that makes you rich forever!"
"Exactly," the man replies. "Whether it’s a cup of coffee or a luxury car, I always have the right amount."
The waitress nods in amazement, then asks, "What about the ostrich?"
The man sighs and says, "Ah, my second wish. I asked for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
Shiftless2 said:
Repenthouse #571
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(n)
Gratuitously crude, gainlessly insulting.
I'm not Catholic.
Nor am I Hindu or Buddhist. BUT !
We need not invoke the supernatural to acknowledge the dynamic of karma. For holy scripture informs us: we reap what we sow. This observation is true not on basis of divine authority (true because the Bible says so), but on irrefutable validity.
... for what so ever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galations 6:7
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There's nothing wrong with harvesting sorghum. But don't expect to harvest sorghum by planting soy, or wheat, or daisies.
There's nothing wrong with seeking tolerance for LGBTQ. Do we promote tolerance with intolerance? Can we expect to harvest respect after sowing the seed of disrespect, contempt, insult?

The principle of the rainbow coalition is:
- e pluribus unum
- united we stand, divided we fall
- "He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself." Thomas Paine

Championing the cause of a complexity of genders >2 resembles nobility & courage of character, a defense of the minority (for benefit of minority and majority alike?). Ethics: obedience to the unenforceable.
To exercise, demonstrate such courage of character for that segment of minorities while manifesting bigotry against other similarly abused minorities is both treacherous and self-defeating. It demonstrates, promotes intolerance.

I get it.
#571 is a pre-packaged meme. But to post it implies endorsement of it, particularly when not accompanied by a persuasive refutation, not to promote it but to expose it, to neutralize it, to mitigate it.

As MLK reminds: injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere.

Karma works. Plant the seed, reap the harvest.

"Ethics is the scientific study of right & wrong." Tom Clancy

what is good vs. what is true ( ethics vs. epistemology )

Morality is about judgment. Ethics is about rules of conduct (based on morality).
 
I suspect this was posted before but I'm not willing to wade thru all the old posts to be sure

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
 
Shiftless2 said:
she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls." #573
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- Ah, $47,500 a piece? And you get to keep the dolls! - President Trumph

Gary Busey says the battle of the sexes is the only one where you get to sleep with the enemy. - OR -
If she had to crochet $95K worth of dolls, which of the two is the knit wit?

Here's another death-bed fave (as told by Garrison Keillor):
Olie is on his death bed. He asks: "Is my wife here?"
"Yes dear, I'm here." she says.
Olie asks: "And are my children here too?"
"Yes daddy. We're here too."
Olie asks: "Are all my other relatives here too?"
"Yes Olie, we're all here with you."
Then Olie asks: "So why is the light on in the kitchen?"

[Olie was a piker]
 
A train machinist, a ship captain and a truck driver are sitting in a bar and sharing their stories.

The ship captain: “Our house is close to the harbor, so every time I am back from sailing and my ship is passing our house, I give the honk, so every time I am home, the food is on the table, my wife is hot and ready and I get my special welcome home treatment.”

The train machinist: “ Same here - we live close to the railroad, so when coming back from a long trip, I signal when passing by our house, and when I come home, my wife greets me in lingerie, with dinner on the table and bed warmed and ready for us”

The truck driver: “ Yaeh.. almost same here… Our house is downhill in the street, so, whenever I come back home, I shut off the engine on the hill, roll down to the house, take my wrench, ring on the front door an run to the back door - none of them has escaped yet”
 
Shiftless2 said:
"Mark" #575
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"Mark", jealous hubby's twin brother?

Shiftless2 said:
" - none of them has escaped yet” #576
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"A marriage is no amusement but a solemn act, and generally a sad one." Victoria (1819-1901)
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A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting, "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest."

The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened.

The man says, "That man was just exaggerating. Firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy".
 
1 4 S 2

3 Apple engineers and 3 Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the Apple engineers buy only 1 ticket. "How are 3 people going to travel on only 1 ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all 3 Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed,the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy just 1 ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the 3 Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the 3 Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,"Ticket, please."

Does this one deserve better than a gentleman's C ?
 
#579 lends a fresh perspective to "AC / DC"
Shiftless2 said:
#579
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#579 published by:
Electric Fence
PO Box ZAPP!
Over-the-hill, Colorado OICU812

senior discounts available,
portable assistance also available in cattle-prod form

our motto: "High Voltage! When shocking pink lingerie just isn't enough"
 
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