Just a little humor
- Thread starter Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
Times are tough all round
Shiftless2
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Don't blame me - this just turned up on my FB feed
Perhaps I'm unusually slow-witted today. Am I not up-to-date on bedding cuisine? In general, or in this pillow case? [couldn't resist]
Is there a back-door connotation wholesome disposition obliges me to not recognize?
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Used to date my yoga instructor. Put me in an awkward position at first, but we held on. I bent over backwards to make her happy but she found me uptight and inflexible. Guess it just didn’t work out in the long stretch.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
So, great grandma is at the family reunion, and she looks around and begins to smile and then busts out laughing. Her granddaughter comes over to her and says to grandma what is so funny? Grandma looks at her and says. Most of the people here are here because I got laid!!!
Durable relationships tend to embrace flexibility. Less a matter if he can touch his toes, than whether he can clutch hers. Goochie Goochie Goo
personal:
In the '70's I worked rotating shiftwork w/ a bloke from the islands.
When events provided a lull on day shift he'd occasionally share his daylight rendition of Iko Iko including the lyric "... sitting by the fire".
Similar on midnight shift, except the lyric changed to "f***ing by the fire".
His name was Charles.
Better than decaf.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...I NEVER KNEW THIS!
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Might make more sense to me if I knew who the mason orthopedist is. I can't read the name on the door.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
It's all about job security ....
Shiftless2
Well-known member
I'm sure you saw the punchline coming
Shiftless2
Well-known member
There was a young lady from Canada who had the surname Campbell. Campbell. When she came to Britain she was keen to visit Scotland, land of her fathers, as she'd heard there was a stone cairn somewhere near where there had been an historic battle with the MacDonalds and every Campbell who passed by added a rock to the pile *cairn") and every MacDonald who passed by traditionally knocked a rock off the cairn, She arrived at the place and asked the receptionist at her hotel where to find the cairn, She had brought a rock especially from Canada, The receptionist offered to take her there and our friend solemnly and reverently added her rock to the Campbell cairn, As she stood silently admiring it, the receptionist gleefully knocked it off the top! : " I didn't tell you. I'm a MacDonald! " she said.
Oh.
Thank you S2.
I suppose there's some tenuous connection to USAID ...
A joke and a pun. - wowzers -
Not clear to me what connection between a pair of homophilic serial bar tab welshers, and Commander William Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation"Ben goes to town" #597
played by Jonathan Frakes.
BUT:
Now that the genre is present, the only Star Trek joke I know:
Q: What does the starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it
The last thing I want to do is hurt you , but it is still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I’d agree with you, but then we would both be wrong
We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public
War does not determine who is right, only who is left
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
You are never to old to learn something stupid
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it
The last thing I want to do is hurt you , but it is still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I’d agree with you, but then we would both be wrong
We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public
War does not determine who is right, only who is left
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
You are never to old to learn something stupid