Just a little humor

Shiftless2 said:
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them)
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- The U.S. & the U.K. are separated by a common language. - attributed to Sir Winston Churchill

viva genre

Yo' mama jokes ...
Your mama's so short you can see her shoes on her drivers license.

Your mama's so fat she's got stretch marks on her Cadillac.

Your mama's so old her birth certificate is expired.

Your mama's so old when she was in school there was no history class.

Your mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the 3rd grade.

Your mama's so old she waited tables at the last supper.

Your mama's so ugly the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.

Your mama was so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped her parents.

Your mamas glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she can see people waving.
 
The flip side of the jokes about Canadian winters

HOT ENOUGH FOR YA..
🥵


A Diary extract of an Australian southerner moving to Northern Queensland..
🇦🇺


August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Queensland!!

Now this is a place that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a daft thing to do. I learnt my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I didn't see Kitty our cat, sneaking into the car before I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at lunchtime, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank out $3,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learnt my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

The wind gives me the shits. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's as hot as hell. The air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $700,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this bloody place.

November 8th:

If another smartarse says, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to throttle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th :

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms will dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air conditioner in my car has gone. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Queensland. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:

WTF… This is the first day of summer???

You are @#?*@! Kidding me!
 
"Global Warming, as proffered by the Liberal scientific consensus, is a hoax, a scam, created to weaken The United States and redistribute its wealth to third world socialist countries. Only the ignorant and the gullible lend any credence to the Climate Change/Global Warming lie." JackDallas @PJ 18/10/12

Shiftless2 said:
"Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!" #607
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Just be glad you're using degrees C.
If you were using Fahrenheit it would be even hotter!

Shiftless2 said:
"You are @#?*@! Kidding me!" #607
Click to expand...
Yes.
Yes I am.
 
It's 1977, I'm 9 years old. My mom and dad are roaring with laughter and I don't understand what's so funny.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
May be an image of 7 people and text that says 'ESCHLITTLE LITTLE FSCH ROSEHARE ROSE MARE JCHN JCHNDAVISSON DAVIOSON SANDYDUNCAN SANDY DUNCAN PAULLYNDE PAJL YNDE TOTIE TOTIEFIELDS FIELDS CHARLEY CHARLEYWEAVER WEAVER LESLE LESUEUCSANS LEUGSANS UGGANS GEDRGE GEDRGEGOBEL GIBEL'




​

 
A blonde woman was driving about two hours outside of San Diego when she noticed a man waving her down on the side of the road. His truck had broken down, and as she pulled over, he approached her car.

"Are you heading to San Diego?" he asked.

"Sure am!" she replied. "Do you need a ride?"

"Not for me," the man said. "I'll be here fixing my truck for a while. But I have two chimpanzees in the back, and they need to get to the San Diego Zoo. They're already stressed, and I don’t want them stuck on the road all day. Would you mind taking them for me? I'll even give you $200 for the trouble."

"Of course!" the blonde said cheerfully.

The man helped secure the two chimpanzees in her back seat, made sure they were comfortable, and sent them on their way.

Several hours later, as he finally made it into San Diego, the truck driver was stunned by what he saw—there was the blonde, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, while a crowd gathered around, laughing and snapping pictures.

Slamming on his brakes, he jumped out of his truck and ran up to her.

"What on earth are you doing?" he exclaimed. "I gave you $200 to take them to the zoo!"

"I did take them to the zoo," she said with a smile. "But we had some money left over, so now we're headed to SeaWorld!"
 
Shiftless2 said:
"brother ... Dan can really rock a cocktail dress and six-inch heels" minutia-r #612
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I'm not disputing / denying gay-bashing.
But I puzzle over its motivation.

What is the motive of the ostensible "straight" ones initiating the bashing?
- That they're insulted about being hit upon? Or
- that they're insulted because they're not?
 
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop

- oh Aesop ! -
 
Shiftless2 said:
"Why don't you call me mister?" from sb #618
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The U.S., nation of immigrants is a cultural cacophony.
There is some assimilation *. There is also much cultural, regional differentiation. We haven't even agreed on what to call a sandwich, variously called a "hero", "hoagie", "sub", "grinder", or perhaps even "sandwich".

Norman Lear's All In The Family was a rare confluence of satirical synergy beautifully presented by Carrol O'Connor & Jean Stapleton.
The breadth of the audience bridged what would otherwise have been separate groups, entertaining, but also celebrating the disarming power of candor, at a time in U.S. history
when such guidance was helpful, welcome.

In Archie's case the boob-tube united us. In 2025 this message is drastically muted. The "smart" phone has fundamentally altered the traditions of interaction.
This change goes unrecognized by the next gens. that never knew it, and therefore do not lament losing it.

* Many aboriginal Americans might challenge even this modest assertion, persuasively so.
 
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