Just a little humor

During a commercial airline flight a Naval aviator was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true Sailor fashion exclaimed...and all these years I've been chewing gum!
 
Shiftless2 said:
#623
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I may have a "social media" aversion here. Possibly an outgrowth of my smart-phone aversion.
 
Shiftless2 said:
Donner #626
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During the winter of 1846–47, George and Jacob Donner lost nearly half of a party of more than 80 immigrants when they tried to cross the pass en route to the Sacramento Valley. The party was blocked by snow in the Sierra Nevada, and, when their food ran out, some reportedly survived by eating the corpses of their fallen companions. (After examining remains from the campsite, researchers in 2010 announced that they had been unable to find any human bones or other physical evidence of cannibalism.) The pass now lies within Tahoe National Forest, and Donner Memorial State Park is nearby.
www.britannica.com

Donner Pass | California, History, Map, Elevation, & Cannibalism | Britannica

Donner Pass, pass, in the Sierra Nevada of northern California, U.S., that is the most important transmontane route (rail and highway) connecting San Francisco with Reno, Nevada. Rising to an elevation of more than 7,000 feet (2,100 metres), it lies 35 miles (55 km) west-southwest of Reno. During
www.britannica.com www.britannica.com

Those living a comfortable Western lifestyle in the 3rd millennium may lose sight of how primitive life was a few centuries earlier.
 
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked but he suddenly broke it off.

The girl asked "What's wrong. Didn't you like it?"

The boy said "I liked it but my mother told me that if I kissed a girl before my 16th birthday I'd turn into a statue".

The girl said "That's silly" to which the boy replied "I could feel it starting already."
 
The punch line is predictable but still good for a chuckle

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
 
The Golf Course Incident

One fine morning, a Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives decided to enjoy a round of golf together. As they gathered at the first tee, the Swede’s wife stepped up to take her shot.

Just as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind lifted her skirt, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Her husband, Ole, nearly choked. “Good grief, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?!”

She simply shrugged. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

Embarrassed, Ole sighed, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a fifty. “For the sake of decency, here’s some money—go buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife stepped up to take her turn. As she bent down, another gust of wind sent her skirt flying, revealing that she, too, was going commando.

Her husband, Patrick, gasped. “Saints preserve us, woman! You’ve no knickers on! Why not?”

She sighed. “Well, you don’t give me enough money for such luxuries.”

Shaking his head, Patrick pulled out a twenty and handed it to her. “For the sake of decency, go buy yourself some underwear!”

Finally, it was the Scotsman’s wife, Aggie, who approached the tee. As she bent over to place her ball, the wind whipped her skirt right over her head—once again, revealing she was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.

Her husband, Duncan, groaned and threw up his hands. “For Jake’s sake, Aggie! Where the hell are yer drawers?!”

She crossed her arms. “Ye dinnae give me enough money tae afford any.”

Duncan sighed, reached into his pocket, and handed her a comb.

“Well, for the love o’ decency, at least tidy yerself up a bit.”

482072023_122105618084773570_6816340288676300835_n.jpg
 
Shiftless2 said:
Duncan ... handed her a comb.
“Well, for the love o’ decency, at least tidy yerself up a bit.”
Click to expand...
... & therefore Duncan's wife was from Scotland, not Brazil ?

Shiftless2 said:
Duncan ... handed her a comb.
“Well, for the love o’ decency, at least tidy yerself up a bit.”
Click to expand...
Because all Scotsmen are pikers !
Buy a Buick you cheap plaid bastage !

When Scotsman Craig Ferguson was asked what's worn under a man's kilt Ferguson replied, "Nothing,
it's all in perfect working order."

note on cartoon art:
The following Family Guy graphic depicts a double-barrel pump shotgun.
There's no such thing.

FamGuyDoubleBarrelShotGun.JPG

The graphic in #630 includes similar errors, including a golfer in high heels,
and a golf ball teed on the green a ball diameter from the hole.

The charm of these errors is the insight it provides into ignorance, the absence of information.
 
They walk among us (and vote - and reproduce)

I was at the checkout of a local Walmart. The cashier rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us! .....
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' "They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us! .....
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us! .....
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime; she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!! .....
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us! .....
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! .....
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us! .....
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land."

They Walk Among Us! .....
While working at a pizza place, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."


Yep, they walk among us.... bless their hearts

481344762_2143111716142314_4502360517771865500_n.jpg
 
Shiftless2 said:
They walk among us (and vote - and reproduce)
Click to expand...
The 2024 re-election of Donald Trump verifies, they're not merely there, but constitute an electoral plurality.

St. Patty's Day, on the way, the Monday after next.
#632 reminds me of an Old Gaelic Blessing:

May those who love us, love us
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts;

And if he doesn't turn their hearts
May he turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping 1741276245292.jpeg
 
Have to admit that I rarely drink. The only times that I do are when I'm alone or with friends.

1741440254615.png

For the record there is one benefit - and a very major one at that

il_794xN.3346141716_5k5w.jpg
 
"It's an old fashioned right there, that's my holiday drink, and every day's a holiday." Stephen Colbert 16/12/27

"There are more old drunkards than old doctors." Benjamin Franklin


Cliffy from Cheers explains his buffalo theory to Norm:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest that are killed first. This selection benefits the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular elimination of the slowest & weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Clifford C. "Cliff" Clavin, Jr. (born 1947 or 1949) by John Ratzenberger in Cheers

"Temperance" and "temporary" share a common linguistic root. Coincidence? [/satire]
 
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin-engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communication was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday Mayday Mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday Mayday Mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone and said, "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The pee from my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
 
Pilot Priorities:
a) Aviate
b) Navigate
c) Communicate

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." Emergency Checklist

In an in-flight emergency returning the aircraft to the Earth is easy. Surviving the return is the great challenge.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there.
 
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar talking about golf and singing.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”
Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Tiger asks, “You play golf?”
Wonder replies, “Oh yeah, I’ve been playing for years.”
And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”
Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.
“Well,” Stevie says, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”
Stevie says, “Pick a night!”
May be an image of 2 people, people golfing and drink



All reactions:
7.6KMccoy Minors and 7.6K others
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar talking about golf and singing.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”
Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Tiger asks, “You play golf?”
Wonder replies, “Oh yeah, I’ve been playing for years.”
And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”
Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.
“Well,” Stevie says, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”
Stevie says, “Pick a night!”
May be an image of 2 people, people golfing and drink
All reactions:
7.6KMccoy Minors and 7.6K others​
 
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