Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
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Zen Judaism
For all my fellow Jewish Buddhists (JewBu) out there…The Sayings of the Jewish Buddha:
* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
* Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
* Wherever you go, there you are.. Your luggage is another story.
* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then, what do you have? Bupkis.
* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out... Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
* Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
* The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself…The Buddha says, There is no self.
So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .
For all my fellow Jewish Buddhists (JewBu) out there…The Sayings of the Jewish Buddha:
* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
* Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
* Wherever you go, there you are.. Your luggage is another story.
* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then, what do you have? Bupkis.
* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out... Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
* Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
* The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself…The Buddha says, There is no self.
So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .
- ha -
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down stairs.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A Greek and an Irishman found themselves in a Starbucks one afternoon, casually chatting about the proud achievements of their respective cultures over steaming lattes.
The Greek leaned back with a smile and said, “You know, we built the Pantheon, not to mention the Temple of Apollo.”
The Irishman nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. “Impressive, no doubt, but it was us Irish who discovered the significance of the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
Not to be outdone, the Greek added, “And don’t forget, it was the Greeks who laid the foundations for advanced mathematics.”
“Fair enough,” the Irishman replied, “but the Irish were the ones who crafted the first timepieces.”
Sensing his moment to triumph, the Greek smiled knowingly. “Ah, but remember, it was the ancient Greeks who introduced the idea of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
The Irishman paused, set his cup down, and grinned. “That’s true,” he said, “but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
The Greek leaned back with a smile and said, “You know, we built the Pantheon, not to mention the Temple of Apollo.”
The Irishman nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. “Impressive, no doubt, but it was us Irish who discovered the significance of the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
Not to be outdone, the Greek added, “And don’t forget, it was the Greeks who laid the foundations for advanced mathematics.”
“Fair enough,” the Irishman replied, “but the Irish were the ones who crafted the first timepieces.”
Sensing his moment to triumph, the Greek smiled knowingly. “Ah, but remember, it was the ancient Greeks who introduced the idea of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
The Irishman paused, set his cup down, and grinned. “That’s true,” he said, “but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
Shiftless2
Well-known member
#545
An alternative ending:”
The Greek boys first girlfriend was named Baaa-bra
When you're in Greece how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
An alternative ending:”
The Greek boys first girlfriend was named Baaa-bra
When you're in Greece how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
Birth control options were limited back then.
Greece may take jocular drubbing.
What did they think was going to happen, naming their nation after a wheel bearing lubricant ?!
Greek is one of the oldest Indo-European languages and is usually divided into Ancient Greek (often thought of as a dead language) and Modern Greek.
The Oxford Companion to the English Language states that the 'influence of classical Greek on English has been largely indirect, through Latin and French, and largely lexical and conceptual...'.
According to one estimate, more than 150,000 words of English are derived from Greek words. These include technical and scientific terms but also more common words ...
Words that starts with 'ph-' are usually of Greek origin, for example: philosophy, physical, photo, phrase, philanthropy.
Many English words are formed of parts of words (morphemes) that originate from the Greek language, including the following examples:
- phobia (fear of), as in arachnophobia – the fear of spiders
- micro (small), as in microscopic – so small it's hard to see
- demos (people) as in democracy – government by the people
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A small, balding man storms into a bar, his face red with frustration. He slams his hand on the counter and growls, “Give me a double of your strongest whiskey. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.”
The bartender, noticing the man looks like he’s been through the wringer, quietly pours him a double shot of Southern Comfort. The man downs it in one gulp and grumbles,
“Another one.”
As the bartender pours the second drink, he asks, “What’s got you so worked up? Sounds like you could use a good rant.”
The man sighs and leans on the bar, clearly ready to unload. “You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had. I was at the bar next door, just minding my business, when this drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks in and sits next to me. I couldn’t believe it—she looked like she stepped out of a movie! After a minute, she leans over and asks if I want to go back to her hotel for dinner and a chat.
“Well, I haven’t had a real meal in months, so I say yes faster than I can blink. She takes my hand, and we walk to this fancy hotel. We get to her room, and she tells me to relax while she gets ready for dinner. I sit down in this plush recliner, thinking I’m the luckiest guy alive.
“But just as I’m getting comfortable, I hear keys jangling outside the door. The blonde freezes, her face goes pale, and she whispers, ‘Oh no, it’s my boyfriend! He must’ve lost his wrestling match—he’s going to be furious! Quick, hide!’
“I start to panic, looking for a place to hide. The closet? Nope, he’d check there first. Under the bed? Not a chance. Then I see the window is open, and with no other options, I climb out and hang from the windowsill by my fingertips.”
The bartender raises an eyebrow. “Seriously? That’s rough.”
“Oh, it gets worse,” the man continues. “The guy comes in screaming, ‘Who’s here? Where is he, you cheating liar?!’ She’s trying to calm him down, but he’s flipping out. First, he rips the closet door off the hinges and throws it across the room. I thought, ‘Thank God I didn’t pick the closet.’
“Then he flips the bed over like it weighs nothing. I’m hanging there thinking, ‘Great call not hiding under that!’ Then, just as I think he’s calming down, I hear him ask, ‘What’s that by the window?’ My heart stops. But the blonde distracts him, and I think I’m safe.
“Wrong. A minute later, I hear water running. I figure maybe he’s splashing his face to cool off, but nope. Suddenly, he dumps a pitcher of boiling hot water right out the window—straight on me! Look at this!” He tugs at his shirt, showing red, blistered burns.
The bartender winces. “That’s brutal, man. I’d be furious too.”
“Wait, there’s more!” the man exclaims, holding up his swollen, bloody hands. “After the water, the guy comes to the window and starts slamming it down on my fingers—over and over! I thought my hands were done for.”
The bartender shakes his head sympathetically. “I don’t blame you for being upset. That sounds like a nightmare.”
The man slams his fist on the bar again, looking furious. “But that’s not even what made me mad!”
Now thoroughly confused, the bartender asks, “Then what finally pushed you over the edge?”
The man groans and says, “After all that, I finally turned around, looked down, and realized—I was only six inches off the ground!”
For those that enjoy the narrative genre, a classic from a master storyteller, Mark Twain:
THE WOUNDED SOLDIER (from the short story, How To Tell A Story)
In the course of a certain battle a soldier whose leg had been shot off appealed to another soldier who was hurrying by to carry him to the rear, informing him at the same time of the loss which he had sustained; whereupon the generous son of Mars, shouldering the unfortunate, proceeded to carry out his desire. The bullets and cannon-balls were flying in all directions, and presently one of the latter took the wounded man's head off--without, however, his deliverer being aware of it. In no long time he was hailed by an officer, who said:
"Where are you going with that carcass?"
"To the rear, sir--he's lost his leg!"
"His leg, forsooth?" responded the astonished officer; "you mean his head, you booby."
Whereupon the soldier dispossessed himself of his burden, and stood looking down upon it in great perplexity. At length he said:
"It is true, sir, just as you have said." Then after a pause he added, "But he TOLD me IT WAS HIS LEG!!!!!"
author: Mark Twain https://twain.lib.virginia.edu/onstage/how2tell.html
- ha -
OR
more modern:
Q: What rhymes with orange?
A: No it doesn't.
THE WOUNDED SOLDIER (from the short story, How To Tell A Story)
In the course of a certain battle a soldier whose leg had been shot off appealed to another soldier who was hurrying by to carry him to the rear, informing him at the same time of the loss which he had sustained; whereupon the generous son of Mars, shouldering the unfortunate, proceeded to carry out his desire. The bullets and cannon-balls were flying in all directions, and presently one of the latter took the wounded man's head off--without, however, his deliverer being aware of it. In no long time he was hailed by an officer, who said:
"Where are you going with that carcass?"
"To the rear, sir--he's lost his leg!"
"His leg, forsooth?" responded the astonished officer; "you mean his head, you booby."
Whereupon the soldier dispossessed himself of his burden, and stood looking down upon it in great perplexity. At length he said:
"It is true, sir, just as you have said." Then after a pause he added, "But he TOLD me IT WAS HIS LEG!!!!!"
author: Mark Twain https://twain.lib.virginia.edu/onstage/how2tell.html
- ha -
OR
more modern:
Q: What rhymes with orange?
A: No it doesn't.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature.”
Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature.”
Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
A solid introduction to the religion bidness, in four lines.
note:
Some may regard #551 as impious. But isn't lavishing reverence, piety within an errant religion tantamount to blasphemy, from the viewpoint of the one true God, the monotheistic premise that dominates our culture?
#551 doesn't undermine God. But it's a reminder to apply skepticism to those that claim expertise in such matters. Religion & God may have little if anything to do with one another. Merry Christmas
In matters of religious devotion, to believe is to be closed-minded.
"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." Gerry Spence, Attorney at Law
"I'm closed minded because I'm right." N. Thomas
What did one cranberry say to the other cranberry?
"Tis the season to be jelly"!
What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!
What kind of bug doesn't enjoy Christmas?
A humbug.
www.homemade-gifts-made-easy.com
"Tis the season to be jelly"!
What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!
What kind of bug doesn't enjoy Christmas?
A humbug.
140 Best Christmas Jokes for Kids
Unwrap a bundle of laughter with Christmas Jokes for Kids! Brighten the holiday season with merry moments. 🎅🎄
www.homemade-gifts-made-easy.com
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A previous employer used to run sessions for senior employees who were nearing retirement (and they were expected to bring their significant others). The attitude was:
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A man goes to a Catholic hospital. When it comes to settling the bill he says that he has no money and no insurance.
“Don’t you have any close relatives who could help?”
“I only have one unmarried sister and she’s a nun.”
“A nun isn’t unmarried. She’s married to Jesus.
“In that case ask my brother in law to settle the bill.”
“Don’t you have any close relatives who could help?”
“I only have one unmarried sister and she’s a nun.”
“A nun isn’t unmarried. She’s married to Jesus.
“In that case ask my brother in law to settle the bill.”