Just a little humor

Once upon a time, in the bustling era of the early internet days, a curious little boy approached his father with wide eyes full of wonder. "Daddy, how was I born?" he asked.

The father chuckled softly, realizing it was time to share a playful version of their family tale. "Well, son," he began with a twinkle in his eye, "it all started when your mom and I first met in a virtual chat room on Yahoo. Back then, that's where people often found connections."

"Really?" the boy's eyes widened further.

"Absolutely," the father continued. "I took a leap and set up a date with your mom via e-mail, and we decided to meet at a cozy cyber-cafe downtown. It was where the magic began."

"So, what happened next?" the boy eagerly inquired.

"We found a quiet corner and googled each other," the father winked. "Your mother was intrigued, and she agreed to a transfer from my hard drive."

The boy giggled, though some of the terms were beyond his current grasp, the story was captivating.

"As I was getting ready to upload, we realized we hadn't used any protection—a firewall, as it's called in tech terms. Before we knew it, it was too late to hit delete."

The boy gasped slightly, imagining the urgency of the situation.

"And then, nine months later," the father concluded with a grin, "a little Pop-Up appeared on our life's screen that excitedly exclaimed, 'You've got male!' And that, my son, is how you came into this world."
 
OJ Simpson's QWERTY formula for homicidal success:
- Enter
- Backslash Backslash Backslash
- Esc

The QWERTY keyboard, a central artifact of the information economy, was arranged in the 1870s with a deliberately awkward pattern of letters to slow typists down so they wouldn't jam the innards of early typing machines.—Timothy K. Smith
 
Carbon is both an essential nutrient, and an existential threat.

It's time this headline-grabbing element give back a little, to our Carbon nation:
What type of doctor is Dr Pepper?
A Fizzician.

ta da !
 

glee​

noun glē
exultant high-spirited joy : merriment


glee
(glē) n.
1. Jubilant delight; joy.
[Middle English gle, entertainment, from Old English glēo; see ghel-2 in the Appendix of Indo-European roots.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.

glee, n.​

Mirth, joy, rejoicing; in modern use, a lively feeling of delight caused by special circumstances and finding expression in appropriate gestures and…


rare adjective

adjective (1)

: seldom occurring or found : uncommon
: marked by unusual quality, merit, or appeal : distinctive
: superlative or extreme of its kind
 
After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:

"I can't believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It's full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd."

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

"Ow!"

"Did you know," says Gretel, "that crows are capable of facial recognition?"

"Eh?" Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Not only that," Gretel continues, "but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they'll often follow people they remember as friends."

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel's hands.

"Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!"

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

"For example," Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, "if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they'll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food."

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

"They'll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!" Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

"Oh shitballs." Says the witch, as the crows descend. "I hope you know this is a great unkindness."

"Technically," Says Gretel, "It's a murder."
 
Cleaning mine and my neighbours windows at the front of our houses and a lady walks past, stops and ask if I’m a professional window cleaner.

I say no and that I live here. We get chatting and she says her windows are really dirty and that her mum is coming to see her next week for the first time from Mozambique

Me and my big mouth then offers to do them for her so off I trod with the ladder on my shoulder and bucket in hand whilst thinking this wouldn’t be a good time for the hernia to play up.

She’s over the moon with them and when she offered me some money, I politely declined and suggested she could get her mum some flowers instead.

She then says “thank you so very much. I could marry you”

Couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
 

rare adjective #524

"The way a steak should be cooked." S2 #525
The usual way a steak should be cooked.
hmmm
"Usual" & "rare" often thought of as antonyms. BUT !
Somehow, not in this case. Pass the ketchup steak-sauce.

unkindness

"terms of venery"

A Murder of Crows and Other Terms of Venery by Stephanie Whetstone

A bunch of bees is called a swarm, and a group of birds is generally called a flock, but swans? When we got home, I did a little research. It turns out that we drove past a bevy of swans or, if you’re a little more fanciful, a lamentation of swans. I’m more fanciful.

These collective terms for animals are called “terms of venery” or hunting. And the tradition of naming them dates back to the Boke of Saint Albans, written by Dame Juliana Berners in 1486, with an introduction added by William Blades in the 1800s.

Thanks Steph.
ruin your life
Many a Linux user has said: "I don't do Windows." It's a pane.
- and -
 
Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?
A: Figure skating.

(n)

- I just can't take the pressure ... -
 
The conniving concubine:
She desperately wanted a fashionable new watch, so for breakfast each morning she'd burn his toast.
For Christmas he bought her a new toaster.

And they lived unhappily ever-after.
 
 
A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern.

After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

“Barkeep,” he said, “what the hell is that?”

The bartender said, “Oh, that’s a moose!”

The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried,

“Holy crap! How big are the cats?!”
 
One blustery, wintry day, Donald Trump looks out the window of the White House to see an obscene message written in pee in the snow. Trump immediately summons the FBI and exclaims "Find out who did this or you're fired!". "Yes sir!", replies back the agent.

Later, the shaken agent returns and says to the President "Mr. President, I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want to hear first?". Trump says "Well, what's the good news?".

The agent responds "The good news is that we have determined that it is Justin Trudeau's pee in the snow!". Trump - in a vengeful posture - asks "What's the bad news?". The trembling agent says "It's Melania's handwriting".

190826205632-melania-trudeau-restricted.jpg
 
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