Just a little humor

It's not uncommon for a clock to strike. But time itself contemplates a strike if its demand is not met, shorter hours.
The blowback is so severe, most U.S. citizens will have to re-set their clocks, for tomorrow morning there will be two 2:AMs
This will make November 3, 2024 a 25 hour day, longer than any other day of the month, or the year.

It's not all time's fault. Humans numbered the hours.
Doesn't look like they're trying to be all that sensible. Nothing wrong with midnight, 12:AM. Wouldn't it have been more sensible to put 12:AM one hour after 11:AM
instead of 11 hours before?

Vote Harris Walz anyway. There's still time.
 
I wish everybody had to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president. - attribute: possibly Steven Wright
 
sear said:
I wish everybody had to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president. - attribute: possibly Steven Wright
Click to expand...
Dk0lgQWU0AEGWGo
 
Shiftless2 said:
hire floppy-eard dumb asses ... #505
Click to expand...
fine
As so many times before over the generations, I didn't vote FOR the candidate.
I voted AGAINST the opponent.

My vote wasn't an endorsement of the Harris / Walz agenda.
It was my citizen's responsibility to defend against the Constitutional crisis of a second Trump term.

I take no solace in my political / moral / patriotic rectitude.
If Trump makes good on his campaign threats, many very bad things will happen.

The slim glimmer of non-catastrophe: Trump is a bombastic liar. Not entirely clear 4 years will be long enough for him to strew as much wreckage across the continent as Trump has threatened.
 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
 
Brad and Gerty had been married nearly 40 years.
Their endearing & enduring familiarity made them a socially popular couple. But

it's called wholly acrimony for a reason.
While at church Gerty was asked what her favorite flower was.
Before she could respond, Brad volunteered: "Pillsbury."
Shiftless2 said:
"And that's how the fight started." #507
Click to expand...
Brad !
You're married!
NEVER speak unless spoken to!
- sucker -
 
The boss’s wife got mad when the maid asked for a raise.


“Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay raise?” the wife asked.

Helen said, “There are three reasons.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”

“Who said that?” asked the wife.

Helen said, “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Helen said, “The second reason is that I cook better than you.”

“Who said that?” asked the wife.

Helen said, “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

I’m a better lover than you, which is the third reason.

“Did your husband also say that?” asked the wife.

Helen said, “No, the gardener did.”

“So, how much do you want?” asked the wife.
 
When a wife heard her husband’s key in the door, she was in bed with her lover. She told him to “stay where you are.” “He’s so drunk that he won’t even notice that you’re with me in bed.”

The husband fell into bed quickly, but a few minutes later, when he wasn’t so drunk, he saw six feet sticking out from the end of the bed.

“Hey, there are six feet in this bed,” he told his wife. There should only be four. “What’s going on?”

The wife said, “You’re so drunk you forgot to count.” Get up and try again. That way, you can see better.

The husband got out of bed and did the math. “One, two, three, four.” “Damn, you’re right.”
 
A teacher in a school full of bright young things made the decision to use an interesting word game to encourage the students’ inventiveness.

The task was to think of terms that finish in “tor” and have a voracious thirst for goods. With great excitement, the kids held up their hands, prepared to take part.

A self-assured young child led the line, confidently yelling, “Alligator!” His large and impactful word choice won him praise from the teacher.

As the next student excitedly cried out, “Predator!” the entire classroom was filled with expectation.

And Little Johnny was the next. Johnny, who is renowned for his quick wit and mischievous demeanor, piped up in a tone that was both innocent and ‘spicy’. “Miss, v***ator,” he said.

The teacher was having trouble maintaining her calm as the entire room burst into giggles.

Once the laughter subsided, the teacher replied, “That’s definitely a big word, Johnny, but it doesn’t actually consume anything.”

Unfazed, Johnny confidently explained, “Well, my sister has one, and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!
 
An elderly gentleman goes for a check-up. After his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have love I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining the old man’s elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. But the doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January…”.
 
Shiftless2 said:
#514
Click to expand...
TWICE a year ?! - lucky bastage -

Reminds me of my neighbor Braden, cornered me at our local polling place a few Tuesdays ago.
Our conversation was brief, but he enthusiastically mentioned he "gets action" but once a year.
The mismatch between such rarity, and his enthusiasm baffled me, so I asked why he seemed so delighted.
Braden shrugged with a smile and said: "Tonight's the night!"

go get 'em tiger
 
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Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Blonde Jokes

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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh, it’s a statue,’ she replied.

‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here, have this’ he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: ‘I stood like that for two days at the Smiths house and nobody offered me anything!!
 
Beverly, who’s 90 years old, has been playing golf every day since she retired 25 years ago. One day, she comes home looking sad.

"That’s it," she tells her husband. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad now that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it goes."

Her husband, Gus, makes her a cup of tea and says, “Why don’t you take me with you and give it one more try?”

Beverly sighs, “That won’t help. You’re a hundred and three! How could you possibly help?”

“I may be a hundred and three,” says Gus, “but my eyesight is perfect.”

The next day, Beverly heads off to the golf course with Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. She turns to Gus and says, “Did you see where the ball went?”

“Of course I did!” replies Gus. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Great! So where is it?” Beverly asks.

Gus pauses and says, “…I don’t remember.”
 
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