Just a little humor

Three girls worked in the same office with a female boss who often left early. One day, they decided to follow her out, thinking she wouldn’t notice if they left too since she never returned.

The brunette was delighted to be home early; she tended to her garden, played with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead enjoyed a quick workout at the spa before heading out on a dinner date.

The blonde, excited to surprise her husband, walked in only to hear muffled noises from the bedroom. With a sinking heart, she cracked the door open and was horrified to find her husband in bed with her boss.

Quietly, she closed the door and slipped out of the house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead eagerly planned to leave early again and asked the blonde if she would join them.

“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
 
A man with a long history of migraine headaches went to his doctor. The patient tried every migraine therapy he could find. Nothing helped.
The doctor sympathized:

"I have migraines too, and no traditional therapy worked for me either.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in the hot tub, and relax for awhile, maybe even nap. After my wife sponges me off and towels me dry, we go to the bedroom.
Even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her.
If the hot tub hasn't relieved my headache, the sex usually does.
You think something like that would work for you?"
The patient agreed to report progress at the next office appointment.
Six weeks later, the patient returned looking obviously improved; more rested, more relaxed, more comfortable, more confident.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! After 17 years of migraines this is the FIRST time I've gotten such relief!"
The doctor welcomed the affirmation silently, with a nod & broad smile.
The patient added:
"And Doc, you have a REALLY nice house."
 
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"When they told him Mars has no intelligent life Trump said let's rename it Don Junior." Jimmy Fallon
 
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg - and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, "You killed him "We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!

"How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.

He fell off the windowsill while he was lîckïng his âss."
 
cats:

"Curiosity was framed -- ignorance killed the cat." Victor Danilchenko

Cats w/ multi-colored fur are often female, as such coloration is coded for on the X chromosome, though some cats may have an XXY complement.
16. Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, absolutely loved cats and would play with them for hours. He owned several cats during this time in the White House.

https://www.thedrakecenter.com/services/cats/blog/20-amazing-facts-about-cats
Click to expand...
yup
Cat info. at the drake center. Isn't that just ducky!
 
An elderly man owned a large farm for several years and he had a large pond on the far end of his property. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a big white bucket to bring back some fruit before starting the long walk to the remote area.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was several young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Some old men can still think fast.
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" “Good,” said the lawyer, “but why?” “You’re a lawyer!” she replies. “This time I know I’m going to get screwed.”
 
I've seen this before (may well have posted it) but still laugh every time I read it

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili..
Judge # 3 - No Report

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Stepmom had 3 chili recipes:
- two alarm chili
- three alarm chili
- false alarm chili

Dining probably shouldn't be a daring demonstration of machismo.
otoh
Live to eat? Or eat to live?

Study Finally Confirms Eating Celery Burns More Calories Than It Contains​

By Aly Walansky / Published on June 22, 2017
When we’re trying to lose weight, it’s very much a numbers game of calories eaten versus calories burned.
A great asset in the weight loss battle are, so-called, negative calorie foods; these are foods that burn more calories than they contain. A recent study confirmed that celery is one of these negative calorie foods.
www.foodandwine.com

Study Finally Confirms Eating Celery Burns More Calories Than It Contains

When we're trying to lose weight, it's very much a numbers game of calories eaten versus calories burned. A great asset in the weight loss battle are,...
www.foodandwine.com www.foodandwine.com
 
A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening

I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
 
- ahh, the death-bed genre, one of my faves -


Olie is on his death bed. He asks: "Is my wife here?"
"Yes dear, I'm here." she says.
Olie asks: "And are my children here too?"
"Yes daddy. We're here too."
Olie asks: "Are all my other relatives here too?"
"Yes Olie, we're all here with you."
Then Olie asks: "So why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Shiftless2 said:
... and you needed 73 more votes?" #471
Click to expand...

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut!
How many is a Brazilian?" (million, billion, brazillion ... ) Orders of magnitude, vs turpitude?
 
461344125_1001752518630977_2766042559832062524_n.jpg


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of love making. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks,

“What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me....

" No problem!" he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of the forehead, his member grow until it is impressively long. "Well!" she says. "That's quite impressive, but its still pretty narrow..."

"No, problem!" he says and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull his member grow wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made passionate love. The next day with their normal partners and go separate ways.

As they walk along Mike says "Well? Was it any good?"

"I hate to say it" says Maureen, " but It was pretty wonderful! How about you?"

"It was horrible!" He replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
 
#473
In the 1960's Billy May released:

Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue (Has Anybody Seen My Gal) Billy May​

Listen online

Comedian Alan Sherman satirized the Billy May song with the following lyric.

Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue
Allan Sherman
Track 11 on My Son, The Nut

Last night, I met a man from Mars, and he was very sad
He said, "Won't you help me find my girlfriend, please?"
So I asked him, "What does she look like?"
And the man from Mars said, she's

Eight foot two, solid blue
Five transistors in each shoe
Has anybody seen my gal?
Lucite nose, rust-proof toes
And when her antenna glows
She's the cutest Martian gal

You know she promised me, recently
She wouldn't stray
But came the dawn, she was gone
Eighteen billion miles away

Her steering wheel has sex appeal
Her evening gown is stainless steel
Has anybody seen my gal?

How I miss all the bliss of her sweet hydraulic kiss
Has anybody seen my gal?

Lovely shape, custom built
Squeeze her wrong and she says "tilt"
Has anybody seen my gal?


Sherman's repertoire included comedic audio caricature of President JFK.
Sherman's comedy run ended abruptly after the Kennedy assassination.
 
"If you couldn't do comedy what would you do?" Bob Hope

"Probably what you do." Lucille Ball
 
Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous
Garter snakes (Thamnophis sirtalis), also known as grass snakes, can indeed be dangerous. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had numerous potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife brought many of them indoors to protect them from freezing. Unbeknownst to her, a small green garden snake had hidden in one of the plants. Once warmed, the snake slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa, prompting a loud scream.
Her husband, who was in the shower, ran out naked to see what was wrong. She told him about the snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor to look for it, but just then, their dog cold-nosed him from behind. Thinking he’d been bitten by the snake, he screamed and fell over, prompting his wife to think he’d had a heart attack. She covered him, told him to stay still, and called an ambulance.
The paramedics rushed in, ignored his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher, and started carrying him out. At that moment, the snake reappeared, causing one EMT to drop his end of the stretcher, breaking the husband’s leg and sending him to the hospital.
With the snake still loose, the wife called a neighbor, who came over with a rolled-up newspaper. He poked around under the couch and eventually declared the snake gone. The wife, relieved, sat on the sofa, only to feel the snake wriggling between the cushions. She screamed and fainted, sending the snake back under the sofa.
Seeing her unconscious, the neighbor tried CPR. Just then, his wife returned from grocery shopping, saw him with his mouth on the woman’s, and hit him with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp.
The commotion woke the woman, who saw her neighbor unconscious with his wife bending over him. Assuming the snake had bitten him, she poured whiskey down his throat. By now, the police had arrived, smelled the whiskey, and assumed a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest everyone when the women explained it was all due to a garden snake.
The police called another ambulance for the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Meanwhile, the snake slithered out again. One of the officers fired at it, missing the snake but hitting a table leg. The table fell, breaking a lamp and starting a fire in the drapes.
The second officer tried to extinguish the flames but fell through a window into the yard, startling the family dog, which ran into the street, causing a car to swerve and crash into the police car.
Neighbors saw the fire and called the fire department. As they raised a ladder, it snagged overhead wires, cutting power and phone lines in a ten-block area. Fortunately, they extinguished the fire.
Eventually, both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog returned, and the police got a new car. Life returned to normal.
Some time later, the couple watched TV as the weatherman announced another cold snap. The wife asked if they should bring in the plants.
That's when the fight started.
 
Shiftless2 said:
"Poison ivy crossed with a 4 leaf clover will get you a rash of good luck." #479
Click to expand...
"Luck is the residue of design." John Milton / Wesley Branch Rickey

Over a century ago automobiles were toys of the rich. Commoners relied on horses for transportation.
Today automobiles are common, horses are toys for the rich.

"Redneck" is offensive slang, used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class* established during the agrarian era, for those that toiled outdoors.
In the new millennium labor is often indoors, & a tan a distinction for the leisure class.

In the 1960's commercial nuclear power was treated as an environmental villain, producing nuclear waste toxic for millennia.
Anthropogenic atmospheric Carbonation generated more receptive public attitude toward Carbon-free nuclear power.

Thomas Edison said he'd make electric light so cheap only the rich would be able to afford candles.

* The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.

Minnesota220512ap.JPG

It's nice to have a beautiful tall tree next to your home
until it isn't.
 
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