Just a little humor

Shiftless2 said:
"BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
... her name use to be 'Carl' before her operation?...." #260
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- alright -
What is the name of the human character flaw that causes humans to find this amusing? The bad guy gets his comeuppance? Misery loves company? Someone in adversity makes our own lot in life seem not so bad?

Perhaps improbability is a comedic factor. Bloke got bad luck, or at least bad timing.
Husband shrieking from upstairs:
"HONEY !
Better hide the contraband, and those military top secrets we were studying all weekend. The police are on their way!"
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Spouses reply:
"They got here 10 minutes ago darling, but said they had no evidence of your guilt.

Now they do."
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• I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

• What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey. (that one took me a while)

• Where are adequate things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

• Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

• My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
 
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"Top Doctor"?
I'd have thought this a message more likely from a "Bottom Doctor".
 
Three Italian nuns are at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."

The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."

The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."

The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini."

St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is."

The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.

St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister you misread this. It does not say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
 
So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost
 
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:giggle:

I feel a little less redeemable for not knowing why #269 is so amusing.


While fishing, one of three men caught a mermaid. She begged to be released, promising to grant each of them a wish for her freedom.
"OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ" & the mermaid complied.
Suddenly he starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with brilliant historic / literary insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ" The mermaid complies.
He starts spouting solutions to problems that have been stumping the most brilliant scientists in the most challenging fields.
The 3rd man is so amazed with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ"
The mermaid says to him: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish but I believe you should reconsider.
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," the mermaid said, "You don't know what you're asking. It'll change your entire view on the universe....won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, he insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.
So the mermaid overlooked her own reservations, and complied,
by changing him into a woman.
 
A handsome two hump male camel fell in love and married a beautiful
female one hump camel. She was soon pregnant.
They were going to name their baby Bartholomew.
But the camel she gave birth to had no humps.
So they decided to name him Humpfree instead.
 
would be home by midnight, “I promise!” As time went by, the hours flew and the margaritas disappeared far too quickly.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,

I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
Shiftless2 said:
"... tripped over the coffee table and farted." #272
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- classy -
reminds me of her ...
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Dirty pick-up lines:

1) If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?

2) Hey, want to play house. I could be the door and you could slam me all night long.

3) That dress looks very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd becoming too!
 
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”
 
Shiftless2 said:
"It's not rocket surgery." Brain Bilstein #274
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I've made the big time !

Shiftless2 said:
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”
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Hardwhere?

Psychologist Joy Browne tells similar:
Son asks Mom "Where do I come from?"
Mom, painfully aware the inevitable day had arrived, she provided as technically accurate a description as she could for a dozen paragraphs.
When she paused for breath son interrupted: "Uchhh Mom, I don't need to know all that. Billy says he's from Connecticut. Where do I come from?"

- gazzingg -
 
A plane crashes on a desert island and there are only 4 survivors; three horny men and a beautiful blond woman.

After 2 months, the woman is so ashamed of what they have been doing that she kills herself.

After 2 more months, the men are so ashamed of what they are doing that they finally bury her.

After 2 more months the men are so ashamed of what they are doing that they dig her up again.
 
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,

'Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,

'Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,

'Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston's field making love.'

The police chief smiled and said;

'Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.'

'Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!'

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

'Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'

To which Pierre replied,

'Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.'

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,

'Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this Pierre shouted,

'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,

'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.'
 
Shiftless2 said:
#279
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Alright. A barefoot country boy outsmarting a game warden, plausible. BUT ! Imagine a United States Marine outsmarting the Military Police.

The Lance Corporal was in charge of a squad of men, but had no accommodation for them. All he had was a 2 1/2 ton truck and 9 United States Marines.
Seeking materials to build a shelter the squad found a construction site, parked the truck, and began loading it with plywood & framing material.
That's when the Military Police arrived. The Corporal ordered his men to keep quiet, he'd handle the police.
The MP's asked the Corporal what he was doing.
The Corporal explained, they were dispatched to this location on short notice, and that they had work to do that they couldn't complete with their truck cluttered with all these building supplies.
So they were just unloading them temporarily so they could complete today's assignment.
The MP's would have none of it, ordered the Marines to load the truck back up, and clear out.

They did.
- ha -
Stupid policemen !
 
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