Just a little humor

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... but it's close?

Definitely nearby.

First I ever heard the UK meaning dates back to my high school days. I had a part time job pumping gas and my manager's wife was a war bride - seems he'd met her when he was stationed in UK during the war.

Anyways, he was out skating one night and he saw a young lady he really wanted to meet so he did what any enterprising young man who had grown up playing hockey would do - he tripped her. Then, by way of apology he offered to buy her a cup of tea. They hit it off and started seeing each other. Fast forward to "meet the parents" time and during the course of the evening her father knew how they'd met and asked if he made a habit of tripping young girls while they were skating. His answer was yes - it was always fun watching them bounce down the ice on their fannies. Dead silence for a moment at which point everyone (except his girlfriend) broke out laughing. She tore a strip off of him later when she explained what fanny meant (not butt but, as you said, close).

 

[sear]

- or -

"If you couldn't do comedy what would you do?" Bob Hope

"Probably what you do." Lucille Ball


You know what they say about cliffhangers …

 

[sear]

"Definitely nearby." #241

Near and dear.
The joke based on this, the ~80 IQ -genieus- criticizing god for designing women with a recreation area so close to a waste disposal outlet. Others disagree, 't ain't so bad.

Definitely nearby.

First I ever heard the UK meaning dates back to my high school days. I had a part time job pumping gas and my manager's wife was a war bride - seems he'd met her when he was stationed in UK during the war.

Anyways, he was out skating one night and he saw a young lady he really wanted to meet so he did what any enterprising young man who had grown up playing hockey would do - he tripped her. Then, by way of apology he offered to buy her a cup of tea. They hit it off and started seeing each other. Fast forward to "meet the parents" time and during the course of the evening her father knew how they'd met and asked if he made a habit of tripping young girls while they were skating. His answer was yes - it was always fun watching them bounce down the ice on their fannies. Dead silence for a moment at which point everyone (except his girlfriend) broke out laughing. She tore a strip off of him later when she explained what fanny meant (not butt but, as you said, close).

That's an ice story.
I sense some vulgarities have more shock value than others.
Not sure why but I gather "fanny" in the U.K. is close to nuclear naughty. [there's a weak mathematical pun there, mostly unintentional ... "naught ..."]

By the way
it's Pi day.
Hhoo-a-rayy !

During full course load junior & senior year high school I had a part-time job (28 hours a week) pumping gas. I think I worked 60 hours a week during Summer break.

 

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"Fanny" is just a case where slang on the two sides of the pond differs (and I always understood it to be analogous to "pussy" in terms of naughtiness)..

On the topic of different slang terms I remember my wife saying something to a UK solicitor friend about some friends planning on going "cottaging" next weekend. His response was "I know a lawyer who can help them with that". Of course my wife had meant they were going to spend a few days at their cottage whereas in the UK "cottaging" refers to gay sex in public washrooms.

 

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A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.””Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me,and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs.

Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.””Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?”“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.””Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?” “Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.

 

[sear]

analogous to "pussy"

The scientific term is "bahjiynah". And anyone that doesn't know who P. Ness is, he's Elliot's brother.

Well:
Johnny, there'll soon be s a job opening at #1600 Penn. Ave. A guy with your talent should fill out an employment application.
Best of luck to you.

“Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.

Karma.
- totally -

And if that weren't enough:

From the Escalade's back seat Brian said: Mom! I have to make pee pee reeaal reeeaaall baaadddd !
Mom: Can you hold it a few minutes? We're almost home.
Brian: OK mommy.
A few minutes later mom screeches it into the garage and says: alright Brian, run in there and give Niagara Falls an inferiority complex.
Brian replied: Too late mommy. You said "hold it". That's why both hands are all wet.

 

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[sear]

#248
Wheeeee !
It's known as a "mondegreen"

mon·de·green (mŏn′də-grēn, môn′-) n. A series of words that result from the mishearing or misinterpretation of a statement or song lyric. For example, I led the pigeons to the flag for I pledge allegiance to the flag. [After (Lady) Mondegreen, a misinterpretation of the line (hae laid) him on the green, from the song "The Bonny Earl of Murray".] The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by Harper Collins Publishers. All rights reserved.

 

[Rampage]

I just got some information from abroad. She said one seventy five an hour.

 

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"I just got some information from abroad. She said one seventy five an hour." R #250

Thinking of staying all night?

Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were so many knights.

 

[Shiftless2]

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

 

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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

Unknown Author~

 

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It's musician's joke day hear @CV.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. #252

The definition of a gentleman: "Someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn't"

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.

Q: What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?
A: Feyoncé.

Booker T. & the MG's

 

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" Can't resist " S2 #20

And for that I shall be grateful as long as my geriatric ability allows.

Oh cutie pie ... thirsty? [is this where Dwayne "the rock" Johnson got his nic?]

#20 note:
At the resolution of the image I can't distinguish a crow from a raven. But there are birds that use a variety of nesting materials, including animal hair, string, etc.
I suspect the bird in the air image is modified, due to the orientation of the coat-hanger in the beak, and the legs oriented to launch / land.
Seems to me nesting on buildings is rather more pigeon than crow / raven.

 

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A quiet little boy was putting up with the abuse of a foot taller, loud mouthed girl. The girl was berating him for being a Nerd.

The teacher heard what the girl was saying to the boy, and admonished her, “Karen! You should be nice to Billy! He is a straight A student, and someday he just might be your Boss.”

Billy looked at the teacher and quipped, “But I don’t want to be a Pimp!”

 

[Shiftless2]

 

[sear]

sear calls it "wholly acrimony". Good news ladies, available !

"... not falling for that again" #257

Samuel Johnson called remarriage a triumph of hope over experience.

"Second marriage is a triumph of hope over reason." George Will

"Half the people who are married are miserable; the men." Bill Maher

"A marriage is like a 3 ring circus;engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering." Garrison Keilor

"Opposites attract, and then drive each other crazy." psychologist Joy Browne

 

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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves.

The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.

Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

 

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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
PS don’t try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla, & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.
.
.
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone ... Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Free and Rich EX-Wife
PS … I hope you and my SISTER have a great life.
By-The-Way, did she tell you her name use to be 'Carl' before her operation?....