Just a little humor

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,

doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :

"Man! I'm the best thief ever,

I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:

"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...

He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..

He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

 
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
 
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

Then Johnny and his wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, Johnny gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Says the wife.

Johnny says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

Johnny puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

Johnny says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

Johnny slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
 
Shiftless2 said:
#283
Click to expand...
Tiger Woods' yacht is bigger than my house.

Stevie Wonder, a musician blind from birth, and Tiger Woods, wealthy pro-golfer met at a celebrity event, and began a cordial relationship, and to a very $large $wager.
Mr. Wonder bet Mr. Woods winner take $all, an 18 hole golf game, provided Woods grant Wonder a 3:1 handicap. By mutual agreement, Woods picked the golf course, Wonder picked the T-off time.
Woods picked Myrtle Beach. Wonder chose 11 PM on an overcast, moonless night.

- badda boom badda bing -
 
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

The passenger asks, “Who?”

The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.

He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”

The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”

The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife
 
In rural Kentucky in the 1920’s there was little in the way of entertainment. So, being limited in options, people would attend the local court proceedings to pass the time and have something to talk about.

On one such afternoon, a middle-aged black man (I forget the name, but we’ll call him Mr. Jones) was brought before the judge for fighting. The exchange went something like this:

Judge- “Now Mr. Jones, is it true that you hit this man?”

Mr. Jones- “Yes, Y’Honor, I did!”

Judge- “Why would you hit this man?”

Mr. Jones- “Cause he called me a black sumbitch!”

Judge- “Mr. Jones, do you really think that justified hitting the man?”

Mr. Jones- “Wouldn’t you hit him if he called you a black sumbitch?”

Judge- “Well, Mr. Jones, I’m not black.”

Mr. Jones- “Well, Judge, what if he called you the kinda sumbitch you is?”

They had to clear the courtroom
 
A law joke, just in time for Thanksgiving:

Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A: Outlaws are wanted!

And if you want to keep uncle Bertrand from unbuckling his pants at the Thanksgiving banquet table, burn the turkey.
Bertrand doesn't like char. If the turkey is burnt he won't eat much of it.
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
He is recovering in a hospital
 
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school. He had his first family planning lesson at school.

His mother, is very interested & she asks “…How did it go?”

“I died of shame”…he answers!

Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.

Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

His mother answers laughingly…

“But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and Daddy
😃
had to make me yourselves!”
 
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
 
Homeless woman was living inside Michigan rooftop store sign with computer and coffee maker

ED WHITE / Thu, May 9, 2024 at 12:57 PM EDT

A Family Fare store is shown in Midland, Mich., Thursday, May 9, 2024. Contractors curious about an extension cord on the roof of a Michigan grocery store made a startling discovery: A 34-year-old woman was living inside the business sign, with enough space for a computer, printer and coffee maker, police said. (Heather Jordan/Saginaw News via AP)

A Family Fare store is shown in Midland, Mich., Thursday, May 9, 2024. (Heather Jordan/Saginaw News via AP)

ASSOCIATED PRESS
Contractors curious about an extension cord on the roof of a Michigan grocery store made a startling discovery: A 34-year-old woman was living inside the business sign, with enough space for a computer, printer and coffee maker, police said.

news.yahoo.com

Homeless woman was living inside Michigan rooftop store sign with computer and coffee maker

Contractors curious about an extension cord on the roof of a Michigan grocery store made a startling discovery: A 34-year-old woman was living inside the business sign, with enough space for a computer, printer and coffee maker, police said. “She was homeless,” Officer Brennon Warren of the...
news.yahoo.com news.yahoo.com


Seems like a fairly classy broad to me. I drink instant coffee.
I'm not sure to where she moved, or if she got any help transporting her possessions from inside the sign. The darndest things can keep me lying awake at night.
 
Farmer Straddleox' scarecrow was awarded a metal.
He was out standing in his field.
 
Shiftless2 said:
"involuntary muscular contractions" #299
Click to expand...
Spasm? I saw it in a porno once. Very educational.
btw, I'm sympathetic. Women seem to have a longer more perilous journey to "the big O". They call it "4" play, but sometimes it's 8, 9, or 10.

7de35e44447467ba1a2a99127d715f766023bc5.jpg


Yeah, Trump said he’ll choose a running mate, and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate. — Conan O’Brien
-
Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for president on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare. — Conan O’Brien
 
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