Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside.
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an ass***. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a shit**** is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
ok:
"****" ?!
What four letters are so bad they must be ellipsised out, but the other four are alright ?
Seems I have a thing or two to learn about cussin'.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversen*sitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Pat to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Mike, died suddenly on July 23 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murd*er. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Pat to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Mike, died suddenly on July 23 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murd*er. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON A*SS!!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON A*SS!!"
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German stumble out of a bar, trying to watch a street performer juggle knives.
Unfortunately, it's such a busy day in the city, there are too many other people around to see clearly.
Luckily, the juggler notices their plight and decides to climb onto a higher platform so the four men can see. As he balances a knife on his nose, he asks, "Can you see me now?"
The four men reply one after the other, "Yes!" "Oui!" "Si!" "Ja!"
Unfortunately, it's such a busy day in the city, there are too many other people around to see clearly.
Luckily, the juggler notices their plight and decides to climb onto a higher platform so the four men can see. As he balances a knife on his nose, he asks, "Can you see me now?"
The four men reply one after the other, "Yes!" "Oui!" "Si!" "Ja!"
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Better than Elvira.#328
Last time I saw Head Cleaner on my own VCR I was on this hallucinogin called "Placebo". Good stuff! I'd like more. Too expensive.
Jack & Jill went up the hill and planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass.
Now his two front teeth are missing.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Sacrilege ...
"Jack kissed Jill and it was such a thrill they took it even farther.
They lay down and fooled around and now they've got a daughter."
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candlestick.
My oh my he should have jumped higher, good God Almighty, great balls of fire.
Soft porn sacrilege, my specialty.
Jack & Jill worked for the same boss.
Jack thought Jill was doing "over-time" with the boss.
Jill thought Jack was possessive & domineering.
TOPIC QUESTION: Should the boss lay Jill, or Jack off?
- ah, how dandy to be 12 again -
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Little Jack Horner was off in a corner, eating Miss Christmas Pie.
He stuck in a thumb that caused her to come and thought I'm a lucky guy."
He stuck in a thumb that caused her to come and thought I'm a lucky guy."
Shiftless2
Well-known member
After #329 - Some Elvira for you
Shiftless2
Well-known member
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
... but but but ... more VHS Head Cleaner !
Is one of the things "your girlfriends are for", along with keeping Harve from shipping occupied while the rest of us are knocking off 19 holes at the country club. You're a bore Harve!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How to explain / describe color to a person blind from birth.
#335 illustrates how difficult explaining the human condition may be to an ET, or cyber-bot. Being human is quite messy.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75. "t'is better to give than to receive
"
... you just can't let it go Sears *
Elvira is an interesting figure in the horror landscape. A horror host since 1981 (before that having worked with a wide range of big names, from Elvis to Fellini), her act walks a line between Borsht Belt shtick with endless cheesy one liners; a kind of camp sexuality wherein she puts on exaggerated characteristics of femininity in a manner not dissimilar to a drag queen, all the while making a constant joke of it – at once, selling and sending up the “sexiness” (there’s no situation she won’t turn into a joke about her chest); and always warmly, lovingly celebrating the Halloween of it all – the fun play with spookiness and the macabre. It’s an odd and unique balancing act, and maybe it doesn’t always work, but that’s where the camp comes in – I think it isn’t always supposed to work – the joke not landing is sometimes part of the bit (and sometimes the failed joke is the actual gag) – there is an irony at the heart of it all that shines through even when a superficial laugh falls flat (insert boob joke here).
flinchingwithdelight.com
* I prefer Marx Brothers, they're bigger boobs.
Elvira is an interesting figure in the horror landscape. A horror host since 1981 (before that having worked with a wide range of big names, from Elvis to Fellini), her act walks a line between Borsht Belt shtick with endless cheesy one liners; a kind of camp sexuality wherein she puts on exaggerated characteristics of femininity in a manner not dissimilar to a drag queen, all the while making a constant joke of it – at once, selling and sending up the “sexiness” (there’s no situation she won’t turn into a joke about her chest); and always warmly, lovingly celebrating the Halloween of it all – the fun play with spookiness and the macabre. It’s an odd and unique balancing act, and maybe it doesn’t always work, but that’s where the camp comes in – I think it isn’t always supposed to work – the joke not landing is sometimes part of the bit (and sometimes the failed joke is the actual gag) – there is an irony at the heart of it all that shines through even when a superficial laugh falls flat (insert boob joke here).
Elvira’s Haunted Hills: Camp, Shtick, Homage, and Boob Jokes - Flinching with Delight
The last couple of weeks have entailed a series of connections. Thanks to a Christmas present, I went on a run of Vincent Price movies. That led me to take in some of Price’s work with Roger Corman. And in turn, watching some of those great old Poe pictures, I got an itch to revisit
flinchingwithdelight.com
* I prefer Marx Brothers, they're bigger boobs.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami. As soon as he entered, he noticed an Afr*ican woman, sitting in one corner. He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, "Bartender! I'm buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!"
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the Afr*ican woman. Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, "Thank you!"
This infuriated the wealthy guy. So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that Af*rican sitting in the corner over there!"
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Afri*can woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!"
That made him furious. So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, "What is wrong with that woman.. I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is she mad"
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, "No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this establishment."
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the Afr*ican woman. Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, "Thank you!"
This infuriated the wealthy guy. So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that Af*rican sitting in the corner over there!"
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Afri*can woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!"
That made him furious. So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, "What is wrong with that woman.. I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is she mad"
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, "No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this establishment."
I already posted the daiquiri joke in a different thread, so ...
That's an oversimplification Eddie, but I appreciate the thought none the less.
"Indeed, it could be argued that when Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote, 'Taxes are what we pay for civilized society,' he got it precisely backwards. Properly understood, the levels of taxation, government spending, and economic and social regulation are measures of our failure to civilize our society." Edward H.Crane, CATO Institute President
That's an oversimplification Eddie, but I appreciate the thought none the less.