Just a little humor

Perhaps I'm simply culturally indoctrinated by Disney. None the less, I just love stories with happy endings.

I've heard rumor, or old wives tale, spicy food makes one more able to tolerate hotter climate, such as that in Mexico. Any questions, see Esta. [get it?] ; )
 
I remember one of my profs (from India) telling is that the reason so much Indian cuisine was so spicy was exactly that - it made you sweat.

I also remember reading that one of the reasons spices were so highly prized in medieval Europe was because without refrigeration any food that wasn't eaten immediately would have started to go off and those spices disguised those flavors (and smells)
 
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
 
Two little old ladies, Niamh and Tara, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall in Limerick, where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Niamh, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For €10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!
"You're on!", said Tara, holding up a €10 bill.
So, Niamh slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely na*ked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Niamh came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened", asked Tara ?
"I won €100 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
 
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yestrday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're stting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposd to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
 
An oldie but still hilarious

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
rotflmao...
 
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are chatting.
Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out on a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna responds, "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me beautiful flowers! Then he took me downstairs, and there was a luxury car waiting—a limousine with a uniformed chauffeur and all. He took me out for a marvelous dinner: lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we’re coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy exclaims, "Goodness gracious! ...so you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna replies, "No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
 
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels, and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.' Then I had to share my story: 'When my husband came home I was wearing a black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”'
 
Shiftless2 said:
I also remember reading that one of the reasons spices were so highly prized in medieval Europe was because without refrigeration any food that wasn't eaten immediately would have started to go off and those spices disguised those flavors (and smells)
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There are urban myths about the origin of pizza and chili. Pizza invented by a tired chef too close to closing time to take a proper order, so fed lingering drunken restaurant patrons left-overs, on what was left from baking bread.
The myth on chili, prison budget small and shrinking, leaving kitchen supplies stretched. Low cost ingredients like beans, and whatever other scraps were available, disguised in tomato sauce, over spiced to hide the taste. It became so popular the recipe spread.
 
titan said:
t #371
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Can we ever know for sure?
However Italian spaghetti may be, it seems the elongated noodle was also present in Asia, perhaps before it reached Italy.
Spaghetti is extruded.
In ancient Asia the dough was drawn, stretched. When it got too long to fit inside the kitchen they doubled it over, and stretched some more,
repeating the stretch and bend-double technique until the noodle dough reached the proper thickness / diameter.
 
On the topic of spices - one of my profs (from India) said that the reason so many Indian dishes were highly spiced was because they made you sweat which, in a hot climate, is a good thing.
 
Shiftless2 said:
because they made you sweat which, in a hot climate, is a good thing. S2 #373
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Thank you S2.
In context of Mexican spicy food I'd heard spicy food renders one more resistant to heat.
For half a century that's been a head-scratcher of mine.
NOW I get it. No doctorate level bio-chem involved. Sweat cools the body. Got it. - at last ! -

I'm not sure about the timing. But I gather by the time Chairman Mao ran China there was a Chinese myth that when a young man married, his wife would have one pockmark for every grain of rice left uneaten on his dining plate.
Understandable.
Famine was not unknown in China, and communist central planners understood that across all of China, one grain of rice left uneaten on each dinning plate each meal across all China would add up to warehouses full of food, wasted.
So the myth was created to discourage vain Chinese peasants from leaving their dining plates uncleaned, meals uneaten. Or ... something different?

To boast my own knuckle-dragging creds., I don't spice my own meals for taste. I spice for micro-nutrients, an easy way to make a superficial effort at a more nutritionally diverse diet.
I suppose that's one step above taking a daily multi-vitamin. Or not.
 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." (KFC Fonder) Guess where I am now...
 
sear said:
I can imagine myself trying that at a party someday. BUT !
I'll have to be sure to bring enough booze to souse the lynch mob before my narrow, harrowing escape.
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Given how badly effed my shoulder is right now I couldn't even make it to 4

In my jock days 300 pushups wouldn't have been a warmup - my coach used to have us to 650 after a two hour workout that would have most people curled up on the floor.
 
Shiftless2 said:
Given how badly effed my shoulder is right now I couldn't even make it to 4

In my jock days 300 pushups wouldn't have been a warmup - my coach used to have us to 650 after a two hour workout that would have most people curled up on the floor.
Click to expand...
"Shoulder"?
Rotator cuff?
Sometimes my shoulder locks in rotation while arm up high. Luckily when it does, it's not forced. So I've been able to stop, reverse arm direction, and avoid further injury.
The reports on symptom relief 5 years out after shoulder or knee surgery isn't that great.
So far apart from shrapnel, the only metal in me that's not dietary (methylMerury) is dental fillings.

Push ups:
Style counts a little.
I've seen dudes bent nearly 90 degrees.
But with torso & legs all 1 straight line, I used to knock out 20 fairly regularly.

At 70 I do 20 miles every other day on a bicycle. Not a contraption in the basement. A contraption on public roadway.
I'm up to 640 miles for this year.

Shiftless2 said:
booby trap
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Dag nabbit.
S2,
I've been watching the movie for 20 minutes. At the rate he's going he'll never get free. [/dumb]
 
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