Just a little humor

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
A man walks into a pub and asks for a double scotch.
The Landlord asks, "are you alright" as the man looks a little shaken.
The man explained that his car had konked out a mile or so down the road. He had been scratching his head looking at the engine when a horse popped his head over the hedgerow and told him how to fix the problem.
"Arr, was it a black horse?" Asked the Landlord.
"Yes", said the man
"You wuz lucky then," said the Landlord. "There's a grey horse in that field, and he knows fuck all about engines.”
 
No question - it's getting more and more difficult to separate fact from ....

Trump Vows To Unite Nation Against Common Enemy Of Other Americans​

PublishedJuly 23, 2024



Image for article titled Trump Vows To Unite Nation Against Common Enemy Of Other Americans

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Addressing supporters at his latest rally, former President Donald Trump vowed over the weekend to unite the nation against the common enemy of other Americans. “We must come together to defeat the scourge that is our fellow Americans,” said the Republican presidential nominee, who reportedly spoke from the heart as he called upon every member of the U.S. populace to stand together against one another. “Look to your right. Now look to your left. Every man, woman, and child you see? We will fight them all. With your support, the American people will be defeated once and for all.” At press time, Trump promised that by the end of his second term, there wouldn’t be a single American remaining.

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www.theonion.com

Trump Vows To Unite Nation Against Common Enemy Of Other Americans

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Addressing supporters at his latest rally, former President Donald Trump vowed over the weekend to unite the nation against the common enemy of other Americans. “We must come together to defeat the scourge that is our fellow Americans,” said the Republican presidential nominee...
www.theonion.com www.theonion.com
 
Shiftless2 said:
No question - it's getting more and more difficult to separate fact from ....
Click to expand...
from ... comedy?
Shiftless2 said:
“We must come together to defeat the scourge that is our fellow Americans,” said the Republican presidential nominee, who reportedly spoke from the heart as he called upon every member of the U.S. populace to stand together against one another.
Click to expand...
I'd be sincerely surprised if at previous times during Trump's presidential aspiration Trump didn't have a consultant to sanity-check Trump's wording.

I'm curious if, since his felony convictions, and Trump's own corpse-strewn path, that getting help has become difficult.
Might that be playing a role here, or does Trump have some different excuse for running off the rails?
 
A large woman, in a sleevless sun dress, walks into a Pub in Berlin.
She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
The Pub goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, squinted-eyed bob. slams his hand down on the bar and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”.
The Publican pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
Once again, Bob slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”.
The Publican approaches the little jimmy man and says, “Tell me, Paddy, it’s your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
Bob replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
 
Shiftless2 said:
A large woman, in a sleevless sun dress, walks into a Pub in Berlin.
She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
The Pub goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, squinted-eyed bob. slams his hand down on the bar and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”.
The Publican pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
Once again, Bob slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”.
The Publican approaches the little jimmy man and says, “Tell me, Paddy, it’s your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
Bob replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
Click to expand...
Hadn't occurred to me until I read this one S2. You know Freakonomics cites the correlation between 1973 Roe v. Wade, and a statistically significant reduction in violent crime a generation later.
Now you have me wondering if there's a similar statistical correlation between ladies shavers, and the population explosion.
 
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Their three successful children all agreed to join them for a special Sunday dinner.
"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!" exclaimed the eldest son, a surgeon. "Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital and couldn't get a gift."
"Not to worry," the father replied, "the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived next. "You and Mom look great, Dad," he said. "I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for a gift."
"It's okay," the father reassured him. "We're just glad you made it."
The daughter, a marketing executive, arrived last. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I've been busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After dessert, the father spoke up, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we managed to send each of you to college. Throughout the years, we knew we loved each other deeply, but we never found the time to actually get married."
The three children gasped and exclaimed, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," the father said with a grin, "and cheap ones, too!"
 
454202093_1719973378833630_2326390065731165946_n.jpg



THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
 
Shiftless2 said:
#389
Click to expand...
I spent the Summer of '73 in South Carolina, and Georgia.
My first Southern meal was in a cafeteria that listed 3 separate meal menus:
- breakfast
- dinner
- supper.

Yet is was the Southerners that seemed most nostalgic for their own home towns.

There are Internet sites that can quiz you & then disclose your region, based on such dialect variations as
whether you call it a sub, a hoagie, a hero, a grinder, or a ...

pi·geon (pĭjən)
n.
1. Any of various birds of the widely distributed family Columbidae, characteristically having plump bodies, small heads, and short legs, especially the rock pigeon or any of its domesticated varieties.
2. Slang One who is easily swindled; a dupe.
[Middle English, from Old French pijon, probably from Vulgar Latin *pībiō, pībiōn-, alteration of Late Latin pīpiō, young chirping bird, squab, from pīpīre, to chirp.]

Pidgin English also pidgin English
n.
Any of several pidgins based on English and now spoken mostly on the Pacific islands and in West Africa.
[Alteration of pigeon English, from Pidgin English pigeon, business, perhaps from a Chinese pronunciation of English BUSINESS.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.
 
concreteMixer01.JPG

Alright.
Wouldn't take long to dig a hole next to it, roll it into the hole, cover it over, & forget about it.
Might be able to sell some T-shirts, just hope a fully loaded school bus doesn't crash into it.
 
It has been many years since the embarrassing day when the Mrs Sarah, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop. She confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it. After a long discussion, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was sixteen. Sarah agreed. He has been counting the years off on his calendar.

One day, the boy who had been collecting free meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be sixteen tomorrow.” “I know,” said the butcher with a smile. “I have been counting too. When you take this parcel of meat home, tell your mother that it is the last free meat she’s getting and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home, he told his mother what the butcher had said. She just smiled and replied, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him that I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the last sixteen years, and watch the expression on HIS face.”
 
Q:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A:
A stick.

- or -

Q:
Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player?

A:
She had a pumpkin for a coach!
 
Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches—No Matter What!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became good friends. Every day at lunch, they would sit together and discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every single day! This went on throughout the fourth and fifth grades, until one day, the boy noticed that the girl wasn't eating a chicken sandwich.

He asked, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken? Don't you like it anymore?"

She replied, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked, curious.

She pointed to her lap and whispered, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

Surprised, he said, "Let me see."

"Okay," she agreed, and showed him. He looked and said, "You're right! You better not eat any more chicken."

The boy continued to eat his chicken sandwiches, but one day, he showed up with a peanut butter sandwich instead. The girl noticed and asked why he had switched.

He leaned in and said, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

Intrigued, she asked if she could look, so he showed her.

She gasped and exclaimed, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and gizzards!"
 
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