Just a little humor

Pretty sure I've posted this before but too lazy to go back and check

A Wife came Home early and found her Husband in their Bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very Upset.

"You are a Disrespectful Pig!" she Cried.

"How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm Leaving you. I want a Divorce, NOW!"

The Husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a Minute Love. At least let me tell you what Happened."

"Fine, go ahead", the Wife Sobbed, "but they will be the last Words you say to me!"

The Husband Began:

"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so Distressed, Helpless and Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the Car."

"She was very Thin, not well Dressed and very Dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days."

"Out of Compassion, I brought her Home and Warmed up the Pizza I made for you last Night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on Weight. The Poor thing Ate it, Ravenously."

"She was Dirty. I suggested she have a Shower. While Showering, I noticed her Clothes were Filthy and Threadbare. I threw them away."

"I gave her the Designer Jeans that you’ve had for a Few Years, but don’t Wear because you say they are too Tight."

"I gave her Underwear, your Anniversary Present from me, which you don’t Wear because you said I don't have Good Taste."

"I gave her the Sexy Blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t Wear just to annoy her. "

"I also donated those Boots you bought at an expensive Boutique but don’t Wear because someone at Work has the same Pair."

The Husband Paused, took a quick Breath and continued:

"She was so Grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the Door, she turned to me with Tears in her Eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?”"
 
Actor Gary Busey says the battle between the sexes is the only one where you get to sleep with the enemy.


A stockman from the outback was staying at an hotel in Sydney for three days rest. He got talking to the barmaid and, after a while,suggested that she spend the night with him for $100.
She thought about it for a while and said, "Why not?, I really need the money". So after she finished work, off they went.
This went on all that night, and for the next two nights as well. She'd stay the night and he'd give her $100. As the stockman was having a quick beer before returning to the outback, the barmaid said, "I haven't even asked you where you come from?".
The stockman replied, "I'm from Cunnamulla". The bar maid said, "I've got a brother who lives there. His name is John. E.Gruntcakes, do you know him?"
The stockman answered, "Of course I know him. He's the one that asked me to give you the $300".

booo (n)
 
Think this was posted before but too lazy to go back and look

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.
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Naught wrong with the commercial airliner genre.
Here's one I like, probably also posted previously:

The stunningly beautiful woman on the airliner believed a crash was imminent. "I'm a virgin!", she cried. "Someone make me feel like a woman!"
The man seated next to her was quick to exploit the opportunity, wriggled out of his trousers, handed them to her, and said:

"Here. Iron these."

[tough break mile high club fans, maybe next time]
 
Stop the Steal

l4gvQgE.jpeg
 
Shiftless2 said:
"Stop the Steal" #346
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Luckovich contrasts the false MAGA slogan premised on the desperate Trumped up falsehood that Trump won the 2020 election.

That contrasts with

the fact that the GOP is waging an all-out assault on women's health care.

The former is a lie about an election outcome.
The latter is the truth about the Republican party.
 
An oldie

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops an old Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing
 
A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi are discussing how they decide how much to give to God as a tithe.

The Minister proudly says, I take all my money and change it for coins; I toss the coins up into the air and whatever coins come down heads up I give to God, whatever coins land as tails I get to keep.

The Priest clears his throat and says with all authority; I take all my money and change it for coins and then throw it up to the heavens.

Whatever coins come down land on their edges are Gods and I keep the rest.

The Rabbi declares; you guys are amateurs, I will tell you how the correct way to give to God should be.

I change all my money for coins; take the lot and throw them up to the heavens…

… God keeps however much of the money he wants!

Whatever falls back to the ground is mine to keep!
 
I've posted this before, during its relatively brief -toss it on the wall, see if it sticks- tenure in popular discussion.

bfb25d34ab68b1ff95c7a2cf2794f51d59f9512.jpg


I like the Don Martin vibe.
 
Shiftless2 said:
#354
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I lack the sophistication to know.
My First Grade reading book was Dick and Jane.
Being entirely unworldly at that age, I accepted it, & even in 3rd millennium retrospect perceive it to have been apolitical. Wrong? Ever read The Pooh Perplex?

Apparently even public school curricula have been affected by our ultra-partisan madness.

Sad.
It indicates to me those fomenting the tumult weren't content with the standards that delivered prosperity to them.
 
Anyone who likes truly spicy food will appreciate this

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili..

Judge # 3 - No Report
 
Step-mom had three chili recipes:
- 2 alarm chili
- 3 alarm chili
- false alarm chili

Also worth noting:
Shiftless2 said:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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There's diversity in human digestive enzymes.
This is the explanation offered for why some, including U.S. President GHWB disliked broccoli. To him it allegedly tasted intensely bitter.

Thus the disparity between Judge #2 vs Judge #3 may not merely be a matter of one scoring higher on the girl scout scale than the other. It may reflect genuine, accurate subjective experience, which can differ substantially from one individual to another.
 
Have to say that I've only ordered something that proved to be too hot to enjoy twice (not too hot to eat, just didn't enjoy it).

First time was a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown - when I worked nearby I regularly ate lunch at various restaurants there and rapidly figured out that the places to go were the ones frequented by Chinese university students (the university was only a couple of blocks away). So a lot of these places were dingy holes in the wall - so one day I decided to order "noodles in red chili sauce". What came was a bowl of noodles in red broth - thing is, that was basically chicken broth and the red color was because it was full of ground chilis. Tasted good but wow ....

The second time was a Tex Mex restaurant where I ordered their chili (real chili - just meat and spices). Figured that since the restaurant was in a relatively upscale area things couldn't be that hot. I was wrong. The owner actually came over and apologized - said that when he'd put everything on to cook in the morning his nose had been plugged up and, since he judges the relative hotness of things by their smell he'd messed up. Have to say, that's the closest I've ever come to sending food back because it was too spicy to eat.
 
I had a friend, an immigrant from Honduras. He tried his hand as a restauranteur.
The menu was authentic Central American cuisine. It caught many customers unawares.
At last check, most new restaurants fail within the first year, his included.
Carlos, good guy.
 
While my hot food tolerance is pretty high by most people's standards I learned a long time ago that I'm an amateur in that league.

A family friend opened a Tex-Mex restaurant near us - food was great and you could order things with your desired degree of heat - and whenever his wife saw us she'd bring us a plate with a few fried peppers (pequins - google them). That way we could add them to whatever dish we wanted.

But I do remember asking our friend what to do if we wanted things hotter than the normal mild/medium/hot on the menu (we had that cased with the fried pequins but they weren't a normal menu item). His response is the waiter just marks your dish as 1XD, 2X or whatever. But it turns out that a couple of days before some guy had come into the restaurant (not a regular) and when asked how hot he wanted his food his response was "You can't make it too hot" - he'd already managed to piss of his waiter so that's exactly what he wrote on the order that went into the kitchen. It's important to know that all his kitchen staff were Texans - Mexican descent but other real Texas good ole boys - and they took that order as a personal challenge to their manhood. Needless to say the restaurant staff was killing themselves watching the guy melt down into a puddle - he wouldn't admit the food was too hot and the staff kept asking him how the food was. And to prove the guy wasn't a serious hot food freak he kept ordering beer which won't help with the heat at all.
 
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