Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
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I can not shop at Costco anymore 
))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
kibble
I've read accounts of fraternity pledges requiring hospitalization for eating too much of this.
"Hey fish, how's it feel to be the part of the mermaid that no one likes?!" Laurence Fishburn
- or -
Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
A: Stairs
That's the kind of guy I am.
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.
At the club, the doorman says, Hi Jim, how are you? The wife asks, How does he know you? Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him.
Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Jim? Jim says to Wife, Before you say anything, He’s on the Darts team.
Next a stripper Says, Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi.
The Taxi driver Says, Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…
Jim’s Funeral is on Sunday!!!
At the club, the doorman says, Hi Jim, how are you? The wife asks, How does he know you? Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him.
Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Jim? Jim says to Wife, Before you say anything, He’s on the Darts team.
Next a stripper Says, Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi.
The Taxi driver Says, Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…
Jim’s Funeral is on Sunday!!!
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Due to innate human attitude, this genre ending in hospital ward visiting hours may evoke the greater glee. Snickering over a corpse is low, even for Americans. In this guy's case, the dude deserved nothing less than this particular punchline. Next time, take the bus pal.
I saw vid of Jerry Lewis telling a Jewish version of this joke, key element "high holy days" when those practicing stay home. Lewis delivered precisely the same punchline, but seemed to deeply enjoy telling it.
Leila's totally the hotter chick. Betty?
Too much "junk in the trunk".
Another probability joke:
house-cleaning rarely kills anyone, but why take chances?
"Hey Louise! Where's the cold beer?"
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Little boy of about 7 is sitting on a park bench, smoking a cigarette. An elderly lady is walking past, sees him smoking, and says,”Young man, don’t you know smoking is bad for you? It will ruin your lungs, yellow your teeth, make you stink of smoke, and it will shorten your life!”
The kid looks up at her, takes a drag, and says, “Ma’am, my great-grandfather just celebrated his 99th birthday yesterday.”
She looks down on him and says with disdain, “Oh, and I suppose he smokes?
The boy replies, “No. ma’am, but he does mind his own goddam business.”
The kid looks up at her, takes a drag, and says, “Ma’am, my great-grandfather just celebrated his 99th birthday yesterday.”
She looks down on him and says with disdain, “Oh, and I suppose he smokes?
The boy replies, “No. ma’am, but he does mind his own goddam business.”
Shiftless2
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Reminds me of the Irishman that (faux) laments his own father that "drank himself to death". Took Dad 102 years to finish the job.
iirc,
blokes on left,
- top: NFL Kansas City Chiefs kicker
- bottom: Industrialist Elon Musk
I don't know the other two. Not sure about the apocalypse.
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.
Because old women are stupid?
I was at the bank when an old women brandishing some papers said she wanted help to determine her balance.
So I shoved her over a table.
Her balance was terrible ! I think she broke a hip. Stupid old woman !
50 Quid
Poor bloke !
They called him Prints Charles for generations.
Now that he's finally in print, his title is no longer associated with computer peripherals. What the Chuck ?!
If I was you Chaz I'd go POUND somebody about this !
For a king perhaps, the farthing from your mind?
edit: graphic didn't transfer from draft
Poor bloke !
They called him Prints Charles for generations.
Now that he's finally in print, his title is no longer associated with computer peripherals. What the Chuck ?!
If I was you Chaz I'd go POUND somebody about this !
For a king perhaps, the farthing from your mind?
edit: graphic didn't transfer from draft
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Re the kicker in #310 - I'm sure everyone has seen the misogynistic and homophobic speech he gave at a university graduation but Katy Perry fixed it for all of us
Shiftless2
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A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.”
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.” The bartender pours the drink, but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?”
So, the man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, “Wow, this has never happened before.” You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I’d like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while.
I couldn’t believe this was happening, and I hadn’t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.” He continued, “She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes.
But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.” “The blonde says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’”
“So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.”
The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”
“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Who you been with now, you witch?’
The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now calm down.
“Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’ I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’ But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head.
I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!” The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.” “No, that didn’t really bother me.
Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.” The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”
“No, that wasn’t what really got me so angry though.” The bartender then asks in exasperation, “Well, then, what did finally make you anger?”
“Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down–I was only about six inches off the ground
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.” The bartender pours the drink, but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?”
So, the man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, “Wow, this has never happened before.” You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I’d like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while.
I couldn’t believe this was happening, and I hadn’t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.” He continued, “She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes.
But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.” “The blonde says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’”
“So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.”
The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”
“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Who you been with now, you witch?’
The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now calm down.
“Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’ I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’ But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head.
I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!” The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.” “No, that didn’t really bother me.
Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.” The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”
“No, that wasn’t what really got me so angry though.” The bartender then asks in exasperation, “Well, then, what did finally make you anger?”
“Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down–I was only about six inches off the ground
People that are 6 stories tall are sooooo STUPIT !
- but -
The most amply gravitized knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his girth from too much pi.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
An oldie
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
After the death of her life long love, Francene's sons were alarmed at their mother's rapid downward spiral of depression and loneliness.
She didn't care for dogs, so Francene's eldest suggested they get her a parrot. Younger son added, not merely a talking parrot,
but a specially trained parrot that would speak loving phrases to her, to keep her company.
Obtaining the parrot was easy. Educating the parrot was difficult, and very expensive, worth the price for their beloved mother.
Her new pet was delivered by executive courier.
After allowing a few days for Mom to get acquainted with her new companion, elder son telephoned and inquired about how the new relationship was developing.
"You mean about the chicken you sent?" Mom asked "Scrawny, but delicious."
She didn't care for dogs, so Francene's eldest suggested they get her a parrot. Younger son added, not merely a talking parrot,
but a specially trained parrot that would speak loving phrases to her, to keep her company.
Obtaining the parrot was easy. Educating the parrot was difficult, and very expensive, worth the price for their beloved mother.
Her new pet was delivered by executive courier.
After allowing a few days for Mom to get acquainted with her new companion, elder son telephoned and inquired about how the new relationship was developing.
"You mean about the chicken you sent?" Mom asked "Scrawny, but delicious."