Just a little humor

Shiftless2 said:
"And it was staged to the point of ridiculousness - " S2 #220
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gosh love you for that S2.
Same thing @Madison Square ...

I was guest of my precocious girlfriend, 3 grades ahead of me (though only 1 year older).
Kinevil's stunt-driver warm-up show was highlighted by the stunt cars driving over a ramp on left-side wheels, so the driver could balance on right wheels.

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At that age I was not s a v v y enough to realize what she explained to me after the show.
The stunt-drivers started out weak, only getting the wheels up off the ground a foot or two. BUT
they slowly built up to driving a distance balanced only on right wheels, and even turning (a necessity inside Madison Square Garden).
She explained to me, the drivers could have done that from the start, but it would have been a much shorter show.
So to give the audience their money's worth, they built up to it gradually. (dragged it out, if you prefer)

That's show-biz.

When I first learned this I might have felt betrayal (W H A T ?! You mean there IS NO Santa Claus ?!)
But it's woven into the fabric of contemporary society.

I have a child-like appreciation for magic tricks. Some may lose their appreciation for "magic" once they learn how the illusion is performed.
Not me.

Louis Armstrong used to dance while he played, leading me to believe he was spontaneously improvising his musical performance.
Years later I learned his bodily gyrations were part of the act, but that his music was rehearsed.
When I first learned that it seemed to me Armstrong was an imposter, not what he seemed to be.
It took me a while to mature to the fact that it was all part of the act, and that our beloved Satchmo rather than being a fraud, was an inspiration, a member of a severely discriminated against minority, a self-employed celebrity entertaining millions with his unique style.

Oversimplification perhaps, but "glass half full" isn't the end of it. A bitter, condemnatory world-view is self-sabotage. Why live like that? Hate harms the hater. And appreciation is the remedy for ingratitude. Is the life of an ingrate worth living? When alternatives abound?
 
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a double shot of whiskey NOW” even before he reaches the bar stool.

“Everything OK?” the bartender asks the patron while preparing his drink.

“Jesus! No,” says the patron. “I just found out my brother is gay and that he’s been secretly in love with my best friend for over 5 years!”

“Oh man,” the tender says, “that’s messed up. So sorry about that.”

A few days later, the same man enters the bar again, even more flustered than before. “Give me a double of what I had last time.” So the bartender places 2 glasses in front of him, each with 2 shots of whiskey.

”Man, you OK?” The bartender asks again. “Looks like you’re having a rough week!” he adds.

“Oh, God! If you only knew,” replied the patron. “My nineteen year old son just came out as gay and he stole his sister’s boyfriend from right under her nose! The house is in complete turmoil.”

During the weekend, the same patron entered and told the barman, “Man just bring the whole bottle of whiskey and a glass.”

Shaking his head in disbelief, the tender asks, “Doesn't anyone in your family prefer women?”

Downing a glass and then another, the patron looks at the barman and says, “Yes. Apparently my wife!”
 
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#222
The "man walks into a bar" joke is familiar.
So is homophobia.
So #222 seemed to be a variation. - but -

Homophobia is about others not conforming to the bigot's prejudice.
That element is present, but it's also about loneliness, with a twist. It's the "straight guy", the bigot that's odd-man out. In that regard, kind of a happy ending, though (another twist), not the usual kind of "happy ending" for such humor.

#223
I suspect I've met a couple or two like that.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Do you suppose Atilla's Mom called him "hunny"?
 
A man on a bicycle is stopped at the US-Mexico border by Border Patrol. The border agent asks what is in the backpack he's wearing. “Uh, sand”, the bicyclist responds. The agent asks to look inside and sure enough it appears to be full of sand. “Dump it out” the agent insists. So he dumps out the contents of the backpack on the road and the agent searches through the sand looking for contraband. Finding nothing but sand, he allows the biker to pass into Mexico.

The next day the biker comes to the border again. The same agent asks about the backpack. “It’s just sand”, says the biker. The agent, who refuses to be fooled, tells him to dump it out. Again he searches through the sand finding nothing.

“Sir, you’re going to dump the sand every single day. I’m not letting you through without checking. I don’t care how many times you come here, you’re dumping the sand every single time”.

“No problem” says the biker.

Sure enough, they go through this ritual day after day, month after month, year after year. Until one day, the biker stops coming.

One day after work, the agent sees the biker at a bar. “I know you”, says the agent.”You’re the guy who brought sand across the border every day”.

“Yep. That’s me” says the biker.

“You gotta tell me, buddy, why did you bring sand across the border every day”?

“Sand?, the biker replies. “I was selling stolen bicycles!”

============================

The other variant I've heard is that he was smuggling backpacks.
 
"I love dancing skeletons. If I ever become a super-villain I am gunna have a hollowed out volcano in which I'm gunna live. And I'm gunna have an army of robot skeletons to take over the world. So if that ever happens you'll know it was me.
And you'll say, "I thought he was kiddin'."
I'm not kiddin'!" Craig Ferguson 09/01/13
 
"A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, ""Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.""

""Oh, really? Darn it!"" said the little old lady. ""I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

""Well, now, not so fast,"" said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?""

""Oh, no, no"", said the old lady. ""You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

""Well, that seems only fair,"" said the cop, laughing. ""OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?""

""Not everybody pays."
 
#230
Sack of wee-wees? I prefer Sacagawea.

Sacagawea​

Native American explorer
Sacagawea
Sacagawea (SAK-ə-jə-WEE-ə or suh-COG-ə-WAY-ə; also spelled Sakakawea or Sacajawea; May c.1788– December 20, 1812, or April 9, 1884) was a Lemhi Shoshone woman who, in her teens, helped the Lewis and Clark Expedition in achieving their chartered mission objectives by exploring the Louisiana Territory. Sacagawea traveled with the expedition thousands of miles from North Dakota to the Pacific Ocean, helping to establish cultural contacts with Native American people and contributing to the expedition's knowledge of natural history in different regions.
The National American Woman Suffrage Association of the early 20th century adopted Sacagawea as a symbol of women's worth and independence, erecting several statues and plaques in her memory, and doing much to recount her accomplishments.
More from Wikipedia

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. knot !
 
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
 
#232
one-up·man·ship (wŭn-ŭpmən-shĭp′) also one-ups·man·ship (-ŭps-)
n.
Informal
The art of outdoing or showing up a rival or competitor, as in exploits, privileges, or honors.

em·bel·lish (ĕm-bĕlĭsh)
tr.v. em·bel·lished, em·bel·lish·ing, em·bel·lish·es
To add ornamental or fictitious details to: a fanciful account that embellishes the true story.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by Harper Collins Publishers. All rights reserved.

“Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” John F. Kennedy Splendid Jack. Tell MAGA.
 
aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Once more, the small boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
 
“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.” Fran Lebowitz (b. 1951), U.S. journalist. Metropolitan Life, "Manners"(1978)

"To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel." Fran Lebowitz (b. 1951), U.S. journalist. Social Studies, "Things"(1981)

"I don't like animals." "My favorite animal, bacon." dyed in the wool New Yorker Fran Lebowitz / The Tonight Show 18/03/22
 

A MAN IS SITTING NEXT TO A WOMAN ON A PLANE...​

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman smiled, “Pepper.”
 
Shiftless2 said:

"A MAN IS SITTING NEXT TO A WOMAN ON A PLANE..." #236​

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One of my faves of this genre, the stunning nubile woman seated next to him panics when the airliner hits turbulence, believing the occupants doomed she cries aloud how tragic if she dies a virgin. If only someone could help her feel like a woman.
The gent seated next to her slips out of his trousers, hands them to her and says: "Here. Iron these."

- ha -

Resulting from the disappearance of the husband's deeply beloved wife his emotions ran a gradual, painful slide from frantic, to panic, to horror, to misery, to after several weeks, crippling depression.
Then there was a knock on the door.
Two uniformed officers informed him while the department's scuba team was responding to a separate emergency they located the corpse of the husband's wife.
In the process of attempting to identify her decomposing remains, the junior agent disclosed that when the corpse was hauled up from the depths,
it had a crab and a few lobsters clinging to it. The grief-stricken husband was overwhelmed.
The senior agent tried to relieve the husband's shock from the mental image.
The good news sir, we're hauling her up again tomorrow.
 
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
 
# 1 one of my faves
# 2 my all time favorite
# 5 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

#18 Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde (one of my favorite quotations) "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

The following, among my favorites, reportedly apocryphal. At very least the attributes are incorrect, but charming none the less.

Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." to which Churchill responded:
"Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it."

Winston Churchill once commented to George Bernard Shaw on his thin physique:
"Just looking at you, people might believe the British Empire was ravaged by a famine."
Shaw replied: "Just looking at you Sir people might believe you were the cause of it."

How odd of God to choose the Jews. -- William Norman Ewer
Not odd of God. Goyim annoy 'im. -- Leo Rosten

00000000000 AND 000000000000000000

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Have they named the mental deficiency you have after you yet?

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who care what you think, and people like me.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Nice perfume/cologne. Must you marinate in it?

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.

I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of nobody caring.

Shiftless2 said:
- on that side of the pond "fanny" does not mean "butt"
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... but it's close?

As Sir Winston Churchill said: the U.S. & the U.K. are separated by a common language.

I love English accents. I was there for a couple of days, and they kept them up the whole time. Paula Poundstone
 
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