Just a little humor

S2 #180,
I'm w/ titan, cute joke. It reminds me of:

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But - being payday - instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
 
In Manhattan,a lady was throwing a party. She went down to the market to get fresh produce. At her favorite stall, she picked out the best lettuce, onions, celery, mushrooms, etc…

As she completed her shopping, she couldn't find the tomatoes. When asked the vendor replied that he had no tomatoes. Indignantly, the woman berated the vendor. How can you not have tomatoes? What kind of market is this? On and on she questioned him.

Finally, he asked the woman, “What do you get you take the toma from tomatoes?” Puzzled, the woman replies “toes?”

“And what do you get if you take atoes from tomatoes?”. “Tom?”, she replied.

“And what do you get when you take the ”F” from tomatoes?”

“There's no ”F” in tomatoes”

“Lady! That's what I'm trying to tell you!”
 
Shiftless2 said:
"In Manhattan,a lady was throwing a party. She went down to the market to get fresh produce. At her favorite stall, she picked out the best lettuce, onions, celery, mushrooms, etc…
As she completed her shopping, she couldn't find the tomatoes. When asked the vendor replied that he had no tomatoes. Indignantly, the woman berated the vendor. How can you not have tomatoes? What kind of market is this? On and on she questioned him.
Finally, he asked the woman, “What do you get you take the toma from tomatoes?” Puzzled, the woman replies “toes?”
“And what do you get if you take atoes from tomatoes?”. “Tom?”, she replied.
“And what do you get when you take the ”F” from tomatoes?”
“There's no ”F” in tomatoes”
“Lady! That's what I'm trying to tell you!” #182
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I think that one's about 30 years old. That might seem like a slight, a derision. It's not, I think of humor as friendly, and thus familiar humor as welcome as an old friend. Thanks for keeping it cleanish.

Inspired by #180 -

Bryce switched dentists, and was bored sitting in the waiting room.
He began to read the diplomas on display, and noted that the name of one of the dentists was the same name as one of Bryce's high school classmates from decades past.
As luck would have it, it was that same dentist that attended to Bryce, who looked at the doctor, roughly Bryce's age, and thought: I can't look that old. Can I?
Unable to stifle his curiosity any longer Bryce asked the doctor what year he graduated high school, and which high school.
On learning the answer Bryce explained:
"You were in my class!"
The dentist paused, and after taking a broader look at Bryce asked:
"Really? What did you teach?"


Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
 
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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
 
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic. The beer was excellent. And the food was exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman, "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink. Then another, all the drinks you like. When you've had enough to drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
 
A man and his wife arrive at the Poconos for their honeymoon and on the way in pass another couple entering at the same time, presumably for the same reason. After checking in the man carries his blushing bride over the threshold, throws her on the bed and has his way with her. It so happens there is a window above the bed and during his love-making the man glances out the window to see the other man sitting on a dock fishing. He has his fishing hat on and already has landed a big fish. But the lover has more important things on his mind and goes back to satisfying his new wife. That night they go to dinner, dancing, drinks and when they get back, he throws her on the bed to ravish her. Glancing out the window he sees the full moon, so bright it illuminates the other man, sitting on the dock, still fishing, a lantern by his side.

And so it goes, for the full two weeks of the honeymoon. Every single time the man is making love to his wife he notices the other fellow on the dock fishing and seemingly truly enjoying himself. By the end of the two weeks, the lover is overcome by curiosity and while his wife packs, he goes to see the man, still sitting on the dock, fishing.

“Excuse me,” he says to the man, who looks up with a bright smile from under his fishing hat, “But me and the other guys are all here fucking our new wives and yet for the past two weeks, all you seem to have been doing is fishing. What’s up with that?”

“Oh yeah,” the man admits, “We just got married, but see, my new wife has a bad case of gonorrhea. I can’t really fuck her right now.”

“Oh that explains it,” says the man, embarrassed, “But surely you could, you know, get a blow job?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” says the fisherman wistfully, “But see, my new wife also has a bad case of Pyorrhea, you know, gum disease.”

“Oh that’s a drag,” says the man, “But you know, I know it’s unusual, but have you considered anal sex?”

“Sure,” says, the fisherman, smiling broadly, “I love anal. But right now my new wife also has a bad case of diarrhea.”

“Well that’s certainly bad luck,” says the man, “And I know it’s not much - but what about a hand job now and then?”

“Yeah that would be great,” said the fisherman, shaking his head, “But it turns out she also has a bad case of Seborrhea, you know, dry skin.”

“Well that’s terrible luck,” says the first man, “But why the Hell would you marry a woman with gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea and seborrhea in the first place?”

“Well,” says the man, now really smiling, “She also has a bad case of worms - and I love to fish!”
 
Shiftless2 said:
""Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."" #187
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Paul Newman told that one in the movie The Verdict.

#188
ewy
And I still haven't figured out the geometry on the window over the bed.

- but -

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
Trooper:
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
Wilkens
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
 
For those who think that god will answer their prayers about a football game but the same god did nothing to prevent the Holocaust

An old Jewish Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. He stands in line for a while for his chance to meet God in person.

His turn comes and he steps forward.

God says “Welcome. Do you have any questions for me?”

Rabbi: “No, I just want to tell you a joke about my time in that concentration camp.”

God: “How can you joke about such a thing?”

Rabbi: “I guess you had to be there.”
 
Shiftless2 said:
"Rabbi: “I guess you had to be there.”" #190
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Tip-of-the-spear distraction about "god", those that insinuate themselves as authority on the subject.
They're half-right, they're an authority on their own personal opinion.

But in this matter, being half-right is tantamount to being all wrong.

The fact that god (if s/he exists) does not do as one might wish, does not prove there is no god. Instead it may merely mean the god there is applies a standard.

If that, is it a divine shortcoming? Or simply disappointment resulting from ignorant expectation?

joke pending:
 
It was the hottest Summer day of the year, & Danny was desperately thirsty. So he stopped at a farmhouse and asked if he could have a drink. The grey-haired farmer welcomed Danny in, and poured him a glass of moonshine.

“Hold on there old-timer. I don't want hard liquor. Don't you have any ice water?”

The farmer took offense at the apparent insult to his homemade fuel, grabbed his double-barreled scatter-gun, and leveled it at Danny's face.

“Either you drink up, or you go home without a head!” the farmer said.

“Alright! Alright! I'll drink it.” So Danny knocked it back, wiped his lips on his sleeve, and declared:

“That is beyond doubt the WORST tasting stuff I've ever swallowed!”

The farmer replied: “Yeah! Ain't it! Now you hold the gun on me while I take a drink!”
 
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell, they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
 
Shiftless2 said:
#193
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This is what passes for a functional family in the new millennium?


This unusual two letter English word can be an adjective, an adverb, a noun, a preposition, a verb, and an idiom.
“Up”.
In common usage “up” means toward the sky or at the top of the list. But when we awaken in the morning, why call it waking "up"?
In conversation, why do we say a topic came "up"?
Why do we speak "up", and why are officers "up" for reelection? Why is it "up" to the secretary to write "up" a report?
We call "up" our friends, brighten "up" a room polish "up" the silver, warm "up" the leftovers and clean "up" the kitchen.
We lock "up" the house and fix "up" the car.
People stir "up" trouble, line "up" for tickets, work "up" an appetite, and think "up" excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed "up" is special.
If a drain is stopped “up”, we open it “up” as the remedy.
We open "up" shop in the morning, & close "up" shop at night.
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of "up" look "up" the word "up" in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary it takes "up" almost 1/4 of the page and can add "up" to about 30 definitions.
If you are "up" to it you might try building "up" a list of the many ways "up" is used. It will take "up" a lot of your time.
But if you don't give "up", you may wind "up" with 100 or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it has clouded "up".
When the sun comes "up", is it clearing "up".
When it rains, the earth soaks it "up".
When it does not rain for a while things dry "up", one could go on and on but I'll wrap it "up" for now, my time is almost "up"!
Finally, what is the first thing you do in the morning - and last thing you do at night???
U
P
 
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down stairs.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
 
- And now for something completely different - Monty Python

Sci-Fi for all its manifold failings offers benefit of decontextualizing issues.
One might have vehement bias for or against regarding Israel & her neighbors.

Sci-Fi can filter out the bias while preserving the underlying issue of legitimacy of territorial claim.
Bias may well accompany a dispute between Israelis and Palestinians, or Taiwanese and Chinese.

But when it's the Thelosians vs the Jem Hadar, we may be less biased. BUT !!

Sometimes sci-fi is casually, or hastily presented, providing comedic results. The following excerpt from an original Star Trek series script:
"It's hard to explain captain. I call it an alternative warp. It's sort of a negative magnetic corridor, where two parallel universes meet. It's sort of a safety valve. It keeps eternity from blowing up." guest star Robert Brown as Lazarus in "The Alternative Factor", original Shatner / Nimoy Star Trek series
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:)
Sometimes they don't even try for plausibility. Yet still wildly popular entertainment.
 
An oldie (which I have probably posted before)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.
 
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
 
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