Just a little humor

"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the woman and laughed,

"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"

A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.

When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.

The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
 
Shiftless2 said:
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
Click to expand...
👍
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
 
#163
It may seem I'm a stick in the mud.
I think these jokes are more fun to write than to hear / read. Jaded sear? Perhaps. I've heard this one more than once before. It reminds me of:

During the Cold War Dave used to jog along the Berlin Wall, which at that portion was mere barbed wire through the forest.
Dave encountered someone on the other side of the barbed wire. Not a Soviet guard, but man named Rudolf.
They developed enough of a friendship to discuss such neutral matters as the weather when they occasionally encountered one another.

On Easter Sunday Dave was strolling with his betrothed, when the met Rudolf again. The conversation soon turned to weather. She said she thought it would remain sunny all day, but Rudolf was confident it would soon be raining.
A brief argument ensued, which Dave interrupted with the following admonition: "Rudolf the red knows rain dear."

My question regarding such jokes:
wouldn't the time it takes to tell that one be better spent scrubbing the toilet?
 

This is another oldie but goodie that I love reading every year.​


406392088_7269907263020629_4974566130164665408_n.jpg


Enjoy:​

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
***
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
***
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
***
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me.
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas
 
Shiftless2 said:

"This is another oldie but goodie that I love reading every year." S2 #165​

Click to expand...
Alright.
I can't top that.
Perhaps I can bottom it.
santa.jpg
Tell it like it is Santa !

PS:
Over the generations I've developed a painful holiday appreciation for hearing tipsy Christmas revelers humming instead of singing the lyric, UNTIL: "FIVE GOLDEN RINGS !!" which a higher percentage of the impromptu chorus often seems to know.
 
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $3000

"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills
 
Shiftless2 said:
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
The moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills
Click to expand...
I have vague memory of me as a teen being far from home, and needing to "break a larger $bill" (probably a $20, but I don't remember).
I found a bank, approached a bank teller and asked for smaller bills (or whatever).

She said such transactions were only for account holders. SO !! (iirc, and it was long enough ago my memory of it is weak & fragmentary)
I went to the banker seated at the desk only several feet from and within eyesight of the teller window, opened an account there, approached the teller again, got the denominations I needed, returned to the same banker at the desk, and closed my account.

In 2023 I might not waste my time like that. * But if that was in 1968 or so I probably had more time than $money.

In any case, to the best of my recollection and personal integrity, that's a true story. Whole thing may have taken 15 or 20 minutes.

* it is a different world these days. Back then using plastic was a monumental ordeal requiring paper forms, mechanical imprinters, at least one signature, etc. Back then $cash was quickest, hand over paper, receive paper & coin in return, DONE ! Today a card w/ chip needn't even be inserted into the reader, just brandish it above the radio symbol, and voila !
 
Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,

“It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said: ‘Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?’"
 
Our Great Grandfather claimed to know Pancho Villa

As children we would pester him to tell us if he really did meet such a villainous man. He would lean forward in his rocking chair and, with a heavy Spanish accent, would say, "When I was a young man, I would ride to town to get food for the family. On one of these days, a man in a large sombrero ride in. He wear a pistol on his hip, and had bullets slung over his shoulder.

He rode over to me and pull out his gun and said, 'You!'

I looked around and said, 'Me?'

'Yes, you. Take off your pants.' What could I do? He have the gun, I no have the gun, so I take off my pants.

'Now shit.' What could I do? He have the gun, I no have the gun so I shit.

'Now eat it.' What could I do, he have the gun I no have the gun so I eat it.

As he rode off his horse stumbled and he fell. I ran over to him and grabbed the gun. I pointed it at him. 'You! Take off your pants.' What could he do? I have the gun, he no have the gun so he take off his pants.

'Now shit.' What could he do? I have the gun, he no have the gun, so he shit.

'Now eat it.' What could he do? I have the gun, he no have the gun so he eat it."

My Great Grandfather would sigh, lean back, and look us in the eyes to say, "And mejo, you ask me if I knew him, we had lunch together!"
 
The following worth re-telling about once per decade:

G.W. Bush in Hell:

Former President George Bush (the younger) succumbs, and is dispatched by divine justice to his final reward in Hell.

"Eatin' pretzels again Georgy boy?" Satan inquires.

"There must be some lamentagretable mistake. I apparadently have been misdispatched to the incorrect undisclosed location." The former President babbled.

"There's no mistake Georgy. Know it or not, you've served me faithfully throughout most of your life, and all of your Presidency." The devil acknowledged.

And since you've served me with such distinction, I'm going to reward you with a unique privilege. Since you have done as much mischief as any other two in history, I'm going to allow you to select from among 3 punishments for your eternity. And whomever is currently enduring that punishment will be released from Hell; and you will take their place.

Bush, being well accustomed to special consideration, agreed.

Satan revealed the first of three torments, where Bush found Richard Nixon treading water in a large deep dark pool, surrounded by hungry rats trying to avoid drowning by climbing upon the resigned President.

"No thanks." George said. "I've had it up to here with democ-RATS for too long already. Surely the other two torments can not be more worse than this."

At Bush's next option, he found Newt Gingrich wielding a sledge hammer at a mountain of huge boulders in sweltering heat, further tormented by trident thrusting demons. If Gingrich didn't meet his daily quota of turning huge ones into gravel, he got no drinking water to quench the choking thirst in the Hellish heat and dust.

"No way. Crawford Texas is hot, but this is ridiculous. And being jabbed with all those pitchforks just makes it worse. Besides, these are my favorite cowboy pants, I don’t want ‘em poked full of holes. What's next?"

The devil then presented the third option, where Bush found former President Bill Clinton chained to a comfortable reclining chair. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky in a heavily stained dress, dutifully fulfilling every one of the former President’s sexual fantasies.

Bush considered his 3 options. But since he didn't want to tread water for eternity among frightened rats, or spend infinite time at hard, thankless labor and torment, Bush agreed to accept Satan's third offer.

"Very well." Satan declared. "Monica, you're free to go, but leave the dress for George."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top