Just a little humor

#139​

Fart Proudly​

Essay written by Benjamin Franklin​



"Fart Proudly" (also called "A Letter to a Royal Academy about farting", and "To the Royal Academy of Farting") is the popular name of an essay about flatulence written by Benjamin Franklin c. 1781 while he was living abroad as United States Ambassador to France. It is an example of flatulence humor.
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note:
The human flatus is composed mainly of methane, a flammable hydrocarbon. BUTT !
It's sensible to provide a textile barrier between human skin and ignition sources if the risk of methane emission is present.

#140
Immersion.

and ps
I imagine polyglotaspirations can tell one heck of a fish story too.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Shiftless2 said:
#143
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- ha -

In MTG's defense she doesn't have much opportunity to distinguish between spellings of Nazi security vs Spanish soup. By culinary preference MTG dines at restaurants with illustrated menus (in case she forgot what a cheeseburger looks like since the 3 she ate yesterday). Gosh bless America.
 
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Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.
 
True love ?

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my woman’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her
and also that we’re out of napkins
 
Charlie was installing a new door, and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot, and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager said "That's a gold plated faucet. The price is $500..”

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range…" She then proceeded to describe the hinge Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock. He went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom, the manager yelled,

“Ma’am, you wanna screw for the hinge?”

Mary shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”
 
Shiftless2 said:
“No, but ..." #149
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floo·zy also floo·zie (flzē)
n. pl. floo·zies
Slang
A woman who is regarded as tawdry or sexually promiscuous.
[Origin unknown.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.

Whenever I see a couple’s names carved into a tree, I can’t help but wonder why all these people are bringing knives on a date.
 
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
Well, this is from a fantasy book, 'The Light Fantastic' by that great humorist Sir Terry Pratchett. Conan fans might find it funny.

And it goes like this:

'The barbarian chieftain said: “What then are the greatest things that a man may find in life?” This is the sort of thing you’re supposed to say to maintain steppecred in barbarian circles.

The man on his right thoughtfully drank his cocktail of mare’s milk and snowcat blood, and spoke thus: “The crisp horizon of the steppe, the wind in your hair, a fresh horse under you.”

The man on his left said: “The cry of the white eagle in the heights, the fall of snow in the forest, a true arrow in your bow.”

The chieftain nodded, and said: “Surely it is the sight of your enemy slain, the humiliation of his tribe and the lamentation of his women.”

There was a general murmur of whiskery approval at this outrageous display.

Then the chieftain turned respectfully to his guest, a small figure carefully warming his chilblains by the fire, and said: “But our guest, whose name is legend, must tell us truly: What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?”

The guest paused in the middle of another unsuccessful attempt to light up.

“What shay?” he said, toothlessly.

“I said: What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?”

The warriors leaned closer. This should be worth hearing.

The guest thought long and hard and then said, with deliberation: “Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.”
 
DRUNKEN PIGEONS !

Kererū: Pigeons That Get Tipsy
Written by Jonathan Feakins

Kererū, green-blue pigeons native to New Zealand, like to sun themselves after a good meal.

Kererū have a distinct preference for fruit. In fact, many local trees depend on these pigeons; they’re the only birds left that can both ingest and pass the seeds from the fruits of many native trees.

But in warm summer months, the bird’s sunbathing has a surprising side-effect. A part of their digestive system called the crop stores their latest snack – where it begins to ferment.

The birds, in essence, brew their very own batch of boutique throat wine.

The rotund creatures often get so tipsy that they fall out of trees, prompting compassionate kiwis — New Zealanders, not the birds — to deliver them to local bird rescues and let them sober up.

One manager said, "It was ridiculous … people were bringing armfuls of these flaming drunk pigeons."

www.birdnote.org

Kererū: Pigeons That Get Tipsy | BirdNote

Sunbathing after a meal has a surprising side effect
www.birdnote.org www.birdnote.org
 
This frame is from a black & white episode of the '50's era TV series Gunsmoke.

GS12.JPG

It's seen here as viewed by VLC media player, which offers subtitles, Dennis Weaver in the role of Chester Goode, boasting about tidying up his new digs.

It seems these subtitles have an unsupervised profanity filter.

Extrapolate the trend, it seems engineers may eventually rule the world.
If this example is a reliable indication, it won't be much of an improvement. :)
 
A poem about #ToiletGreen the #UltraMAGA fascism queen and how two undateable potty mouths found love in an #OrangeJesus dystopia. #VoteBlue2024 #ToiletGreene

In the land of stars and stripes, loud and clear,
Margie Toilet Greene, with a new beau so dear.
"Maybe I'm falling in love," she cooed with a grin,
With Brian Glenn, her right-wing love, amidst the political din.

DailyMail dot com, they spilled the beans first,
Margie and Brian, in love, quite immersed.
But hold on a tick, there's a twist in this plot,
Her hubby filed for divorce, oh, what a tight spot!

Once preaching family values, so staunch and so bold,
Now her own tale unfolds, not quite as foretold.
"Family first," they holler, till the apple cart tips,
Then it's new love and headlines, oh, how the script flips!

So here's to Margie, in the press's embrace,
Finding new love, in the political race.
It's a jolly old story, of love and of life,
In the whirlwind of politics, joy and some strife.

But let's have a chinwag, just between us,
In politics and love, there's always a fuss.
So we'll tip our hats, to the new lovebirds in town,
In the grand ol' game of ups and downs,
they're the talk of the town!
 
#157
Duct tape is revered by red necks coast to coast as a near universal problem solving tool. BUT !!

Here's a hint for you BG,
duct tape can't fix stupid. But it can muffle the sound!
 
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps, please?"

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

The woman says, "Oy vey! My God, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform!"

Happy Chanukah!

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