Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
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A doctor is ending his day, filled with guilt, for having slept with one of his female patients.
On the one hand, he tells himself, he is certainly not the first doctor to have done this and he shouldn’t be so hard on himself.
But then his conscience chips in, “But you’re a veterinarian you sick bastard!”
On the one hand, he tells himself, he is certainly not the first doctor to have done this and he shouldn’t be so hard on himself.
But then his conscience chips in, “But you’re a veterinarian you sick bastard!”
Shiftless2
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One sunny day in January 2021 an old man crossed Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench, and walked up toward the White House.
He said to the Marine standing guard, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.“ The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay,” and walked away.
The following day the same old man came to the White House the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine repeated, "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him again and walked away. On the third day, the old man returned to the White House and spoke to the very same Marine. "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.”
The Marine, understandably annoyed at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump and I've told you each time he's no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, sir.”
He said to the Marine standing guard, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.“ The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay,” and walked away.
The following day the same old man came to the White House the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine repeated, "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him again and walked away. On the third day, the old man returned to the White House and spoke to the very same Marine. "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.”
The Marine, understandably annoyed at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump and I've told you each time he's no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, sir.”
President Clinton arrives in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas.
He steps off the plane, carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, the Marine guard salutes him sharply.
The President smiles and says, "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see, my hands are full."
"Yes, sir!" says the Marine. "Mighty fine pigs, sir!"
Clinton replies, "These aren't pigs, son; they're pure Arkansas razorbacks."
"Yes, sir!" says the Marine. "Mighty fine razorbacks, sir!"
Clinton says, "I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."
"Yes, sir!" the Marine says again. "Good trade, sir!"
He steps off the plane, carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, the Marine guard salutes him sharply.
The President smiles and says, "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see, my hands are full."
"Yes, sir!" says the Marine. "Mighty fine pigs, sir!"
Clinton replies, "These aren't pigs, son; they're pure Arkansas razorbacks."
"Yes, sir!" says the Marine. "Mighty fine razorbacks, sir!"
Clinton says, "I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."
"Yes, sir!" the Marine says again. "Good trade, sir!"
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken. - OR -
She’s single...She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. She is knock out lovely in every way. I see her nearly every evening when she gets home from work. This particular evening I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope I’m free”.
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
So far she's getting a McChicken. - OR -
She’s single...She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. She is knock out lovely in every way. I see her nearly every evening when she gets home from work. This particular evening I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope I’m free”.
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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I was just trying to get through the day when this showed up on my computer display:
"#2 Is Scary"?!
Maybe in your house buddy, it's downright horrifying elsewhere !
BEWARE NUMBER TWO !!! IT'S "Scary" !
If you want to know about life, ask a liver.
PS
News from Binghamton, there was a fatal collision between a motorcycle and a riding lawnmower.
For safer motorcycling, stay closer to New Rochelle.
"#2 Is Scary"?!
Maybe in your house buddy, it's downright horrifying elsewhere !
BEWARE NUMBER TWO !!! IT'S "Scary" !
If you want to know about life, ask a liver.
PS
News from Binghamton, there was a fatal collision between a motorcycle and a riding lawnmower.
For safer motorcycling, stay closer to New Rochelle.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Finally an answer to a thorny ethics problem
Shiftless2
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“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
Shiftless2
Well-known member
One man's logic,,, {actually he has a good point lol}
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the groin?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the family jewels, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the gonads is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the groin?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the family jewels, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the gonads is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
Due to the Hollywood writer's strike CBS Late Show w/ Colbert is in rerun. Colbert was on another anti-Trump rant (aka "opening monologue") and made a punchline of Trump's son in law.
BUT !!
I don't recall J.S.M. saying that. It was Burke that's credited with:
"The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedients, and by parts ... the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
Fine.
Snicker.
BUT !!
There's a substantial, trackable demographic out there that gets their news from these TV opening monologues.
Not sure if this possible misattribution is deliberate comedy, or perhaps neither Colbert or anyone on his writing staff knew.
BUT !!
I don't recall J.S.M. saying that. It was Burke that's credited with:
"The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedients, and by parts ... the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
Fine.
Snicker.
BUT !!
There's a substantial, trackable demographic out there that gets their news from these TV opening monologues.
Not sure if this possible misattribution is deliberate comedy, or perhaps neither Colbert or anyone on his writing staff knew.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
An antiquated review of primitive, 2nd Millennium thinking:
- kill the messenger
- kill all the officers
- kill all the lawyers
An inspirational review of the new and vastly improved 3rd Millennium view:
- Why not just wipe out the entire solar-system?
hint: "Dad", reality is not improved by beating the boy's ass, or any of his other farm animals.
- kill the messenger
- kill all the officers
- kill all the lawyers
An inspirational review of the new and vastly improved 3rd Millennium view:
- Why not just wipe out the entire solar-system?
hint: "Dad", reality is not improved by beating the boy's ass, or any of his other farm animals.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A photographer on vacation in Orlando was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'