The handsome young man stumbled into a bar, asked the bartenderess for a double-entendre. So ...
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mark mywords
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Bono and The Edge walk into a bar and the bar keep says not U2 again?
A stockman from the outback was staying at an hotel in Sydney for three days rest. He got talking to the barmaid and after a while, suggested that she spend the night with him for $100.
She gave it some thought and said, "Not my first choice, but I really need the money". So after she finished work, off they went.
This went on all that night, and for the next two nights as well. She'd stay the night and he'd give her $100. As the stockman was having a quick beer before returning to the outback, the barmaid said, "I haven't even asked you where you come from?".
The stockman replied, "I'm from Cunnamulla". The bar maid said, "I've got a brother who lives there. His name is John. E. Gruntcakes, do you know him?"
The stockman answered, "Of course I know him. He's the one that asked me to give you the $300".
She gave it some thought and said, "Not my first choice, but I really need the money". So after she finished work, off they went.
This went on all that night, and for the next two nights as well. She'd stay the night and he'd give her $100. As the stockman was having a quick beer before returning to the outback, the barmaid said, "I haven't even asked you where you come from?".
The stockman replied, "I'm from Cunnamulla". The bar maid said, "I've got a brother who lives there. His name is John. E. Gruntcakes, do you know him?"
The stockman answered, "Of course I know him. He's the one that asked me to give you the $300".
Rampage
Member
Q: Why is it so difficult for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Such men already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
A: Such men already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
A big hello and hug. Now all I have do is find the dam Bar.
Fantastic, what I shall do now is down load and print, my wife needs to know what a prize she has.
That's one way.
Just to keep things zizzling, I tried to think up creative ways to get what's-her-name's attention. I tried this one on my most recent gal on the first day of April (which coincidentally was on a Friday that year, as in this).
I got to the barber, got a manicure & a pedicure, scrubbed clean in the shower from head to toe, toweled dry, put on a neck-tie I knew she liked (nothing else, just a neck-tie), found her in the kitchen, wrapped my arms around her, and whispered in her ear: "It's Friday."
That was pretty much the end of that relationship.
Next time I'll try a different tie?
Fay: I know someone who thinks he's an owl.
Jay: Who?
Fay: Make that two people.
Rampage
Member
Cybal the shepherd called his sheep dog and commanded: "Shags, go out and count the sheep and and then do the round up."
"Got ya', boss." And Shags is off.
Twenty minutes later Shags brings in the flock and says, "We got 40 boss."
Cybal says: "How can that be? We only had 38 yesterday."
Shags replied: "Well, I counted them, and then rounded up."
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
"Got ya', boss." And Shags is off.
Twenty minutes later Shags brings in the flock and says, "We got 40 boss."
Cybal says: "How can that be? We only had 38 yesterday."
Shags replied: "Well, I counted them, and then rounded up."
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I got to the barber, got a manicure & a pedicure, scrubbed clean in the shower from head to toe, toweled dry, put on a neck-tie I knew she liked (nothing else, just a neck-tie), found her in the kitchen, wrapped my arms around her, and whispered in her ear: "It's Friday."
That was pretty much the end of that relationship.
Next time I'll try a different tie? Sear
Well Sear, I can only offer some "weak advice".
One, Going to the barber, when you get to an age where "Hair is difficult to find" so don't waste your time. Two, being able to "reach your feet" in the shower, is a major plus, but don't risk it in case you fall over. Three, parading your self with just a neck tie, could cause your beloved to ring the Animal welfare people. And finally three, whispering "it's Friday" starts her memory's coming to fore, and then she remembers how things once were, and then what they are today, is IMHO total loser. Much better to just say " my love why did you hitch up to an old and near done person", that in my experience bring forth sympathy, and she will "pamper" to your needs. Plus, being hard of hearing gives you an advantage in that you can ask, for a repeat of the question, which gives you a little more time to come up with a better reply.
That was pretty much the end of that relationship.
Next time I'll try a different tie? Sear
Well Sear, I can only offer some "weak advice".
One, Going to the barber, when you get to an age where "Hair is difficult to find" so don't waste your time. Two, being able to "reach your feet" in the shower, is a major plus, but don't risk it in case you fall over. Three, parading your self with just a neck tie, could cause your beloved to ring the Animal welfare people. And finally three, whispering "it's Friday" starts her memory's coming to fore, and then she remembers how things once were, and then what they are today, is IMHO total loser. Much better to just say " my love why did you hitch up to an old and near done person", that in my experience bring forth sympathy, and she will "pamper" to your needs. Plus, being hard of hearing gives you an advantage in that you can ask, for a repeat of the question, which gives you a little more time to come up with a better reply.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Rampage
That is very interesting. However, a few months ago I had to have a Hernia seen to and when I awoke the Surgeon was standing at the foot of my Bed (two young nurse's by his side). "My friend" he said, "you have some very healthy internal organs"
I then reply, "it's the spirit" he looked perplexed, I then said "Gin, Whisky,Vodka and Brandy".
That is very interesting. However, a few months ago I had to have a Hernia seen to and when I awoke the Surgeon was standing at the foot of my Bed (two young nurse's by his side). "My friend" he said, "you have some very healthy internal organs"
I then reply, "it's the spirit" he looked perplexed, I then said "Gin, Whisky,Vodka and Brandy".
W #12
Perhaps pandemic gloom weighs more heavily on me than I realize. But though there are invaluable advantages to accumulating seniority some seniors still acknowledge perceived down-side.
Some cyber-associates may pay lip-service, even fake sincerity. But the sincerity of revealing kindred "adulthood" gets most welcome attention. It seems I was bitten by a tick, and suffered cognitive impairment. Antibiotics administered a year too late may have helped a little. But through the routine complications of living I'm reminded my mental faculties have slipped. That's personal. BUT
In your #12 I find multiple threes. All four points hit home. But in addition, the camaraderie of knowing I'm not the only one with trivial mental lapses is quite reassuring. All the more so in that rather than by direct assertion, by demonstration.
I know. Sometimes the phone rings, or a myriad of other interruptions or distractions can attend modern living. No need for either of us to fret over such trivial lapse. But the reassurance that I'm not alone in it provides relief far more effective than a bottle of Aspirin.
Perhaps pandemic gloom weighs more heavily on me than I realize. But though there are invaluable advantages to accumulating seniority some seniors still acknowledge perceived down-side.
Some cyber-associates may pay lip-service, even fake sincerity. But the sincerity of revealing kindred "adulthood" gets most welcome attention. It seems I was bitten by a tick, and suffered cognitive impairment. Antibiotics administered a year too late may have helped a little. But through the routine complications of living I'm reminded my mental faculties have slipped. That's personal. BUT
In your #12 I find multiple threes. All four points hit home. But in addition, the camaraderie of knowing I'm not the only one with trivial mental lapses is quite reassuring. All the more so in that rather than by direct assertion, by demonstration.
I know. Sometimes the phone rings, or a myriad of other interruptions or distractions can attend modern living. No need for either of us to fret over such trivial lapse. But the reassurance that I'm not alone in it provides relief far more effective than a bottle of Aspirin.
t #17
Looks like the system boinked your post. I hope it's not too severe a loss. Care to try again?
W #18
In the TV comedy series Cheers! drinking buddies Norm & Cliffy bellied up to the same bar, occasionally offered insight. Norm said: "Women! You can't live with 'em, and pass the beer nuts." Thanks Norm.
In a separate episode Cliffy explained:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest that are killed first. This selection benefits the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular elimination of the slowest & weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Clifford C. "Cliff" Clavin, Jr.
Looks like the system boinked your post. I hope it's not too severe a loss. Care to try again?
W #18
In the TV comedy series Cheers! drinking buddies Norm & Cliffy bellied up to the same bar, occasionally offered insight. Norm said: "Women! You can't live with 'em, and pass the beer nuts." Thanks Norm.
In a separate episode Cliffy explained:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest that are killed first. This selection benefits the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular elimination of the slowest & weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Clifford C. "Cliff" Clavin, Jr.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Sear.
Now Sear, that is what I very much like to hear. I am not a " Heavy drinker" but do like to now again to "empty a glass or nine". But as I have post before when the Surgeon after opening "my internals to the worlds view" while repairing my troubling Hernia, he remarked as to how healthy they were, I remarked "It's the spirit",
Now Sear, that is what I very much like to hear. I am not a " Heavy drinker" but do like to now again to "empty a glass or nine". But as I have post before when the Surgeon after opening "my internals to the worlds view" while repairing my troubling Hernia, he remarked as to how healthy they were, I remarked "It's the spirit",