Shiftless2
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Re #391 - don't know if you realize that's a video?
Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
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If you did ...
- dang -
Shiftless2
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus,"and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing.
Shiftless2
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The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing," replied the old man.
eeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth." says the old man..
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing," replied the old man.
eeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth." says the old man..
Shiftless2
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than New York.
One week later, a local newspaper in North Bay , Ontario reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Powassan, Ole Olson, (a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist), reported that he had found absolutely nothing.
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Bay had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to be from North Bay
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than New York.
One week later, a local newspaper in North Bay , Ontario reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Powassan, Ole Olson, (a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist), reported that he had found absolutely nothing.
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Bay had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to be from North Bay
Shiftless2
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She’s single, she’s shapely, she’s beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sēx tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sēx tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
Shiftless2
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a £10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won £1000 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a £10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won £1000 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Did she mention any thought of returning, after she thawed out a few "icicles"?
Everyone wants to live long but no one wants to be called old. - Icelandic (on youth and age)
Shiftless2
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The captain stared hard at me. “Private, are you forgetting something?”
I was confused. “Not that I’m aware of, sir.”
“You always salute a superior officer.”
“Sir, we are in the field practicing wartime simulation. In war, out in the field, I would never salute a superior officer as a sniper would realize they were someone in charge and take them out.”
“We are not in an actual war. You WILL salute me, understand?”
“Yessir.” I popped off a salute, then handed him a card that said DEAD.
“What’s this?”
“Sir, I’m with the evaluation team. I set up the scenarios officers want so that situations can be evaluated to see how the unit deals with unusual circumstances. You were just saluted by a private and returned the salute. A sniper has killed you.”
He turned purple with rage. “You can’t do that! I have to be in the BTOC (Battalion Tactical Operations Center) in a half hour!”
The major in charge of the evaluation team whirled around and told him, “Shut up. Dead people don’t talk or stand. Lay down.”
The captain laid down on wet grass with ill grace.
The major laid another card on his chest that said “killed by headshot by sniper”.
The medic came by later and saw the cards. He and another medic put the captain on a stretcher after reading the notes and chuckled. “Let me guess. He wanted a salute.” (That’s because he knew the captain, and knew he was an a-hole.)
The captain spent the rest of the exercise lying on a stretcher for three days, only getting up to go to the bathroom or go get chow. He was NOT pleased.
I was confused. “Not that I’m aware of, sir.”
“You always salute a superior officer.”
“Sir, we are in the field practicing wartime simulation. In war, out in the field, I would never salute a superior officer as a sniper would realize they were someone in charge and take them out.”
“We are not in an actual war. You WILL salute me, understand?”
“Yessir.” I popped off a salute, then handed him a card that said DEAD.
“What’s this?”
“Sir, I’m with the evaluation team. I set up the scenarios officers want so that situations can be evaluated to see how the unit deals with unusual circumstances. You were just saluted by a private and returned the salute. A sniper has killed you.”
He turned purple with rage. “You can’t do that! I have to be in the BTOC (Battalion Tactical Operations Center) in a half hour!”
The major in charge of the evaluation team whirled around and told him, “Shut up. Dead people don’t talk or stand. Lay down.”
The captain laid down on wet grass with ill grace.
The major laid another card on his chest that said “killed by headshot by sniper”.
The medic came by later and saw the cards. He and another medic put the captain on a stretcher after reading the notes and chuckled. “Let me guess. He wanted a salute.” (That’s because he knew the captain, and knew he was an a-hole.)
The captain spent the rest of the exercise lying on a stretcher for three days, only getting up to go to the bathroom or go get chow. He was NOT pleased.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
I find this slightly above the mean in the robot slaps everybody genre. [robot slaps the poster]