Just a little humor
- Thread starter Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Besides, everyone knows that if the package isn't resealable it is a single serving.
Shiftless2
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Too late - they've already made a movie about brain damaged inbred families.
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Should have asked him: "Where does it hurt?"
Oscar Wilde said the penalty for bigamy is two wives.
Shiftless2
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An oldie
Shiftless2
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes. That’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes. That’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Winning joke
The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke#cite_note-3"><span>[</span>3<span>]</span></a> was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:World's funniest joke - Wikipedia
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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It's even funnier when you know what they're trying to say
Shiftless2
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The 92-year old farmer came to the doctor to get his half-yearly test results.
The docter said, “Well, given your age, I think you are doing very well, indeed. Come back in 6 months for the next check-up. By the way, do you have any questions?”
The farmer answered, “No, Doc, but I have an announcement. I am getting married again!”
The doctor said, “Well, congratulations! Do I know the bride?”
“No Doc,” the farmer answered, “but she is the most beautiful 24-year old you have ever seen.”
“Oh, Oh”, thought the doctor, “the stupid old fool. Maybe I should give him a bit of a hint” and the doctor said, “Well, you are very busy on that farm of yours. Why don’t you hire a young and strong farm-hand to keep your wife company?”
“Mmmmhhh”, said the farmer, “I think that is an excellent idea, doc! I will follow up on your suggestion.”
Six months later the farmer was back for his check-up and, as usual, all was fine given his age.
“Any questions?”, asked the doctor.
“No, doc.” said the farmer, “But I have an announcement! My wife is pregnant!!!”
“Oh … Oh,” thought the doctor, “the old fool!”
Trying to get some realism into the farmers mind the doctor asked:” And how is the farm hand?”
The farmer replied “Oh, she’s pregnant too.”
The docter said, “Well, given your age, I think you are doing very well, indeed. Come back in 6 months for the next check-up. By the way, do you have any questions?”
The farmer answered, “No, Doc, but I have an announcement. I am getting married again!”
The doctor said, “Well, congratulations! Do I know the bride?”
“No Doc,” the farmer answered, “but she is the most beautiful 24-year old you have ever seen.”
“Oh, Oh”, thought the doctor, “the stupid old fool. Maybe I should give him a bit of a hint” and the doctor said, “Well, you are very busy on that farm of yours. Why don’t you hire a young and strong farm-hand to keep your wife company?”
“Mmmmhhh”, said the farmer, “I think that is an excellent idea, doc! I will follow up on your suggestion.”
Six months later the farmer was back for his check-up and, as usual, all was fine given his age.
“Any questions?”, asked the doctor.
“No, doc.” said the farmer, “But I have an announcement! My wife is pregnant!!!”
“Oh … Oh,” thought the doctor, “the old fool!”
Trying to get some realism into the farmers mind the doctor asked:” And how is the farm hand?”
The farmer replied “Oh, she’s pregnant too.”
I could only hazard a vague guess.
Sigourney Weaver / Ripley > Alien ?
Not even sure what dialect the translator started with.
Shiftless2
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Definitely Alien and not a translation. The text in the pic is somebody's attempt to summarize the plot - basically the sort of brief teaser you'd find on the back of a paperback novel if you picked it up in the bookstore.
Shiftless2
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Guy is in a butcher shop, talking to the butcher, when a dog walks in with a bag around its neck.
The butcher looks at the dog and says, “How many steaks today?”
“Woof-woof-woof-woof.” The butcher pulls out four steaks. “And how many pork chops?”
“Woof-woof-woof.” The butcher pulls out three chops. “And how many pounds of hamburger?”
“Woof-woof-woof-woof.” The butcher measures out four pounds of burger, then rings it all up. He reaches into the bag, pulls out a $50 bill, makes change and put the change and the meat into the bag. The dog turns around and leaves the store.
The guy watching all this says, “That’s the durndest thing I’ve ever seen. I gotta find out who owns that dog.” He follows the dog down the street until it goes up to a house and starts barking and scratching at the door. A woman opens the door and lets the dog in and the guy says, “Ma’am, that has got to be the smartest dog in the world. I just followed him from the butcher shop and he was amazing!”
The woman smiles and says, “He’s not really that smart. This is the third time this week that he forgot his key.”
The butcher looks at the dog and says, “How many steaks today?”
“Woof-woof-woof-woof.” The butcher pulls out four steaks. “And how many pork chops?”
“Woof-woof-woof.” The butcher pulls out three chops. “And how many pounds of hamburger?”
“Woof-woof-woof-woof.” The butcher measures out four pounds of burger, then rings it all up. He reaches into the bag, pulls out a $50 bill, makes change and put the change and the meat into the bag. The dog turns around and leaves the store.
The guy watching all this says, “That’s the durndest thing I’ve ever seen. I gotta find out who owns that dog.” He follows the dog down the street until it goes up to a house and starts barking and scratching at the door. A woman opens the door and lets the dog in and the guy says, “Ma’am, that has got to be the smartest dog in the world. I just followed him from the butcher shop and he was amazing!”
The woman smiles and says, “He’s not really that smart. This is the third time this week that he forgot his key.”