At the insurance office, opening a spousal life-insurance policy that takes effect noon tomorrow?
I hate it when that happens.
Just a little humor
- Thread starter Shiftless2
- Start date
Shiftless2
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If only - meanwhile I have to clean up the coffee I just sprayed all over my monitor
BREAKING: Usha Vance Detained In Greenland As An Illegal Alien, To Be Deported To Pakistan (FREE ARTICLE).
In a stunning turn of events, Usha Vance has been taken into custody by Greenland immigration authorities after presenting an invalid visa at the Nuuk airport.
Greenland officials released a statement saying “If you come to this country with invalid documentation, then we will arrest you for entering the country illegally.”
They continued, “Since Usha is of South Asian heritage, we will be sending her to one of those countries. It doesn’t matter which one, they’re all the same. We already have an agreement with Pakistan to take our trouble makers, so it makes sense to send her there.”
Vice President JD Vance, who is traveling with his wife attempted to intervene but was promptly tased by Greenland Immigration Enforcement.
The prime minister of Greenland’s office has released a statement that they are willing to release Usha back to the US if all Americans leave Greenland with her on the same plane and agree to keep Greenland out of the US Government’s mouth.
The Non Sequitur Assemblage of the World
Wayne B. Houseknecht · ntSeoorpsd59h8040cc15i1u72088039g0l0a3glu5i5i014ht364f57u200 ·BREAKING: Usha Vance Detained In Greenland As An Illegal Alien, To Be Deported To Pakistan (FREE ARTICLE).
In a stunning turn of events, Usha Vance has been taken into custody by Greenland immigration authorities after presenting an invalid visa at the Nuuk airport.
Greenland officials released a statement saying “If you come to this country with invalid documentation, then we will arrest you for entering the country illegally.”
They continued, “Since Usha is of South Asian heritage, we will be sending her to one of those countries. It doesn’t matter which one, they’re all the same. We already have an agreement with Pakistan to take our trouble makers, so it makes sense to send her there.”
Vice President JD Vance, who is traveling with his wife attempted to intervene but was promptly tased by Greenland Immigration Enforcement.
The prime minister of Greenland’s office has released a statement that they are willing to release Usha back to the US if all Americans leave Greenland with her on the same plane and agree to keep Greenland out of the US Government’s mouth.
Hk !
Shiftless2
Well-known member
satire
noun
sat·ire ˈsa-ˌtī(-ə)r1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly
Definition of SATIRE
a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn; trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly… See the full definition
www.merriam-webster.com
Well isn't that just special Merriam.
So what are satirists supposed to do when the target of their ridicule is so extreme, so implausible
that their creative caricatures are on par with the targets of their observations?
Oh it must be.
Mustn't it?
It's NOT ?!?!
Some exhumed caskets show frantic claw marks made from inside the casket, apparently the consequence of ostensibly dead persons being buried alive.
This might seem a sensible reason to opt for cremation.
Cremation may not reduce the risk of being taken for dead while still alive. BUT !
It should substantially reduce the risk of them finding your claw marks. [/ghoul]
This might seem a sensible reason to opt for cremation.
Cremation may not reduce the risk of being taken for dead while still alive. BUT !
It should substantially reduce the risk of them finding your claw marks. [/ghoul]
Shiftless2
Well-known member
That one is definitely fully groan ....
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Last message from the Donner Party?
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A radio station in Australia ran a phone in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listeners lives. The final four were:
4th Place:
While in line at the bank one afternoon my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amok. I was able to grab hold of her arm after receiving looks of disgust from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening. "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's willy last night."
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped doing what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the doors closed behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place:
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay down in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a pigggy back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss a call we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE.
My entire family - Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed an eternity. Since then no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout she learned that one of the items had no price tag or bar code.
The checkout girl got on the public address system which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear. "Price check for Tampax super size."
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'thumbtacks' and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system. "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind that you belt in with a hammer."
1st Place:
And the winner is......
This happened at a major Australian University during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked. "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded yes adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again the girl asked. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class.
However as she was heading for the door the professors reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."
4th Place:
While in line at the bank one afternoon my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amok. I was able to grab hold of her arm after receiving looks of disgust from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening. "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's willy last night."
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped doing what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the doors closed behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place:
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay down in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a pigggy back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss a call we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE.
My entire family - Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed an eternity. Since then no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout she learned that one of the items had no price tag or bar code.
The checkout girl got on the public address system which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear. "Price check for Tampax super size."
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'thumbtacks' and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system. "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind that you belt in with a hammer."
1st Place:
And the winner is......
This happened at a major Australian University during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked. "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded yes adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again the girl asked. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class.
However as she was heading for the door the professors reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95, just two miles from the South Carolina line.
Trooper: “Sir, any reason you were speeding?”
Driver: “I’m a magician and a juggler! I’ve got a show tonight, and I can’t be late!”
The Trooper, intrigued, leaned in. “A juggler, huh? I’ve always wanted to see that. Tell you what—show me a little juggling, and maybe I’ll forget about the ticket.”
The driver sighed. “I’d love to, but all my gear is already at the venue.”
The Trooper grinned. “No problem! I’ve got some flares in the trunk. Can you juggle those?”
The juggler smirked. “Oh, absolutely.”
So the Trooper lit up three flares and handed them over. Soon, the juggler was tossing them high in the air, putting on quite the show.
Just then, a car pulled up behind them. Out stepped a good ol’ boy from South Carolina—clearly a few drinks deep. He stood there, watched the flaming performance for a few seconds, then shook his head, walked over to the patrol car, and got in the back seat.
The Trooper, confused, walked over and opened the door. “Uh… sir, what are you doing?”
The drunk looked up, sighed, and said, “Might as well take me to jail now… ain’t NO WAY I’m passin’ that test!”
Trooper: “Sir, any reason you were speeding?”
Driver: “I’m a magician and a juggler! I’ve got a show tonight, and I can’t be late!”
The Trooper, intrigued, leaned in. “A juggler, huh? I’ve always wanted to see that. Tell you what—show me a little juggling, and maybe I’ll forget about the ticket.”
The driver sighed. “I’d love to, but all my gear is already at the venue.”
The Trooper grinned. “No problem! I’ve got some flares in the trunk. Can you juggle those?”
The juggler smirked. “Oh, absolutely.”
So the Trooper lit up three flares and handed them over. Soon, the juggler was tossing them high in the air, putting on quite the show.
Just then, a car pulled up behind them. Out stepped a good ol’ boy from South Carolina—clearly a few drinks deep. He stood there, watched the flaming performance for a few seconds, then shook his head, walked over to the patrol car, and got in the back seat.
The Trooper, confused, walked over and opened the door. “Uh… sir, what are you doing?”
The drunk looked up, sighed, and said, “Might as well take me to jail now… ain’t NO WAY I’m passin’ that test!”
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
A flight crew was coming in to land at an unfamiliar airport. As they lined up on final approach, the pilot squinted out the window.
Pilot: "Does that runway look short to you?"
Co-pilot: "Yeah… definitely shorter than expected."
Pilot: "I was sure it was supposed to be longer than that."
Co-pilot: "Same here. You sure we’re at the right place?"
The tension grew as they got closer.
Pilot: "Alright—full flaps."
Co-pilot: "Full flaps set."
Pilot: "Be ready with the thrust reversers the moment we touch down."
Co-pilot: "Standing by."
Pilot: "And I mean full brakes the second we’re on the ground!"
Co-pilot: "Copy that."
They came in hot but steady. The wheels touched down hard, brakes locked up, thrust reversers roaring—rubber screeched—and they came to a halt just barely before the end of the runway.
Pilot: "Man, that was tight. Definitely one of the shortest runways I’ve ever landed on."
Co-pilot: "Yeah, no kidding…" pauses “…But you gotta admit—it’s the widest one we’ve ever seen!"
Pilot: "Does that runway look short to you?"
Co-pilot: "Yeah… definitely shorter than expected."
Pilot: "I was sure it was supposed to be longer than that."
Co-pilot: "Same here. You sure we’re at the right place?"
The tension grew as they got closer.
Pilot: "Alright—full flaps."
Co-pilot: "Full flaps set."
Pilot: "Be ready with the thrust reversers the moment we touch down."
Co-pilot: "Standing by."
Pilot: "And I mean full brakes the second we’re on the ground!"
Co-pilot: "Copy that."
They came in hot but steady. The wheels touched down hard, brakes locked up, thrust reversers roaring—rubber screeched—and they came to a halt just barely before the end of the runway.
Pilot: "Man, that was tight. Definitely one of the shortest runways I’ve ever landed on."
Co-pilot: "Yeah, no kidding…" pauses “…But you gotta admit—it’s the widest one we’ve ever seen!"
