Just a little humor

For the record, I'm the guy who chowed down on a Carolina Reaper (they make Ghost Peppers look mild). We had grown some in the garden and were loading up the food dehydrator to preserve a load. So I got curious and nibbled one - absolutely nothing so I did what any self-respecting idiot would do and chowed down on the whole thing. Swallowed and manage to say "That's not very ho..." when it hit me.

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If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili..
Judge # 3 - No Report
 
Four strangers found themselves traveling together in the same compartment of a European train: two men and two women, all facing one another.

One woman was a 75-year-old lady, wealthy and sophisticated, decked out in the finest furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful 19-year-old woman, radiating a model-like presence straight out of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady sat a man in his late forties, a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private, fresh out of boot camp.

As the four chatted about trivial things during the ride, they suddenly entered an unlit tunnel, plunging the compartment into complete darkness and silence. Then, a distinct kiss broke the quiet, followed by a loud slap that echoed throughout the cabin.

In the awkward silence that followed, each of the four strangers was lost in their own thoughts:

The older lady thought, “How wonderful it is that, even in this permissive age, there are still young women who have enough self-respect and dignity to avoid such behavior.”

The young woman, puzzled, wondered, “Why would any man want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was furious. “How dare anyone think that I would try to sneak a kiss in the dark? This is beyond ridiculous!”

Meanwhile, the young private, grinning from ear to ear, thought to himself, “What a crazy world this is—where a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
 
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WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

- a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
- a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
- a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
Hey - I can count in Japanese - too many years on the judo mats where reps were counted in Japanese. And I know a scattering of other words.
 
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
 
In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.

On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.

The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.

Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
 
“Many years ago I had a martial arts master from Korea. It was just like in the movies—he’d make me do crazy things like carry buckets of water up flights of stairs. He was very unaccepting of apathy. I was young at the time, so when he’d asked me a question, I’d often answer by shrugging, or saying ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I guess.’ Then one day, he told me:

‘You never give me straight answer. Your life is too complicate. I make simple for you. Do you want to be weak or strong?’

I said, ‘Strong.’

‘Do you want to be slow or fast?’

‘Fast.’

‘Do you want to be smart or stupid?’

‘Smart.’

‘Do you want to be alive or dead?’

‘Alive.’

‘You shrug one more time, you’ll want to be dead.’”
 
Shiftless2 said:
"In 1986, John Reid ... came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air." #651
Click to expand...
Some zoologists observing this behavior speculate elephants do this posture to sense sub-sonic vibrations from the Earth. Their explanation, it's easier for the elephant to triangulate the vector while on 3 legs.

Shiftless2 said:
‘You shrug one more time, you’ll want to be dead.’” #652
Click to expand...
Why wait sensei?
 
Here's a mathematical limerick, attributed to Leigh Mercer:


main-qimg-3e2118d586a83fcf4de84dbba957c393


read as follows:

"A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more."

www.quora.com

What's the best rude limerick?

Answer (1 of 22): What's the best rude limerick? This one is dead clever: > A young psychic midget named Marge Went to jail on a serious charge. But despite lock and key The lady broke free And the News said "Small Medium at Large". But, with respect to our near-sighted brethren: > On the b...
www.quora.com www.quora.com
 
"This poem is written for Julia.
though some may find it peculiar.
I write it to her,
for her passions to stir
so if I'm late to the job tomorrow, you'll know it worked." sear 25/03/24 04:42
 
Shiftless2 said:
#657
Click to expand...

Algonquin Round Table​

Group of actors, critics, wits, and writers
Algonquin Round Table
Members and associates of the Algonquin Round Table ca. 1919: (standing, left to right) Art Samuels and Harpo Marx; (sitting) Charles MacArthur, Dorothy Parker, and Alexander Woollcott

The Algonquin Round Table was a group of New York City writers, critics, actors, and wits. Gathering initially as part of a practical joke, members of "The Vicious Circle", as they dubbed themselves, met for lunch each day at the Algonquin Hotel from 1919 until roughly 1929. At these luncheons they engaged in wisecracks, wordplay, and witticisms that, through the newspaper columns of Round Table members, were disseminated across the country.
Daily association with each other, both at the luncheons and outside of them, inspired members of the Circle to collaborate creatively. The entire group worked together successfully only once, however, to create a revue called No Sirree! which helped launch a Hollywood career for Round Tabler Robert Benchley.
In its ten years of association, the Round Table and a number of its members acquired national reputations, both for their contributions to literature and for their sparkling wit. Although some of their contemporaries, and later in life even some of its members, disparaged the group, its reputation has endured long after its dissolution.
More from Wikipedia

Occasionally history provides us a confluence of gifted thinkers. The 18th Century U.S. Founders a common example.
The Algonquin Round Table a less consequential but perhaps generally more amusing addition to the list.
 
I went to the dentist, to get a tooth pulled. The dentist offered me novacaian, but I refused, telling him I had a very tolerance for pain.

He said, are you sure, this will be very painful without it. I replied that I had only felt pain twice in my whole life. He said, may I ask the circumstances?

I told him the first time, I was out in the woods and needed to poop, so I squatted behind a tree to do my business, but dropped my scrotum in a bear trap. He exclaimed oh my God! When was the second time? I replied, when I ran out of chain!
 
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