Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
Guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender to set ’em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I ain't got no money
”. The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.
Next night, same guy walks in and and tells the bartender to set up doubles for the house and says to the bartender “Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double too
”. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I told you last night, I ain't got no money
!” “Why you dirty SOB” says the bartender as he once again tosses the guy into the street.,
Next night, the guy's back. “Set up triples for the house”, he says, “but, no, no, not for you”. “Why not me”, says the bartender. “Because, you get mean when you drink!!”
”. The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.Next night, same guy walks in and and tells the bartender to set up doubles for the house and says to the bartender “Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double too
”. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I told you last night, I ain't got no money!” “Why you dirty SOB” says the bartender as he once again tosses the guy into the street.,Next night, the guy's back. “Set up triples for the house”, he says, “but, no, no, not for you”. “Why not me”, says the bartender. “Because, you get mean when you drink!!”
Shiftless2
Well-known member
There was a wealthy man in San Diego who was an avid bird collector. He had a huge collection of live birds. Every species on Earth was present in his collection.
One day, while browsing through a used book store in Oregon, he ran across a beautifully illustrated book on birds that he'd never seen before, so he bought it. And that evening, back in his hotel, he was reading through his new book when he was astonished to come across an entry for a bird he never heard of before, the world famous and very rare Rarey Bird. Amazed, he read the entry carefully, and learned that the Rarey Bird can only be found in the jungle on the West Coast of Africa.
The excited collector immediately checked out of his hotel, took a cab to Portland International Airport, and flew non-stop to New York. He booked a first class cabin on a ship to the west coast of Africa. On his arrival, he hired a safari and plunged deep into the jungle on the west coast of Africa. And there, deep in the jungle, he booked a room at the Explorers Club.
That evening, he was having a drink in the bar at the Explorers Club, when he happened to meet a friend who had been in the same biology class with him as an undergrad. They started chatting, his friend told him what he'd been up to, and the collector explained about his journey to find the Rarey Bird.
“I'm sorry to tell you this," said his friend, “but your book is wrong. The Rarey Bird is not found in the jungles on the west coast of Africa. The Rarey Bird can only be found in the jungles on the east coast of Africa.”
The next morning, the collector checked out of the Explorers Club, took his safari, and set out into the jungle. Across the jungles of west Africa. Across the dense jungles of central Africa. And deep into the jungle of east Africa. There, he stopped off at a large trading post to seek directions from a local guide.
“I'm sorry to tell you this,” the guide said, "but your friend was misinformed. The Rarey Bird is not located in the jungles of east Africa. In fact, it cannot be found on the African continent at all. The Rarey Bird can only be found in the innermost part of Inner Mongolia.”
Undaunted, the collector assembled his safari, and set off through the jungles of East Africa, making his way to the coast. There, he booked passage on a steamship to China. Upon his arrival, he hired a caravan, and set off across the Chinese continent to Outer Mongolia, across the desert sands of Outer Mongolia to Inner Mongolia, across the burning sands of the deserts of Inner Mongolia, until he reached the innermost part of Inner Mongolia. And there, he was surprised to run into an archaeologist friend who had been in the same fraternity in college, who was in the innermost part of Inner Mongolia conducting a dig. The collector told his old friend what he was doing in Inner Mongolia.
“I'm sorry to tell you this," the archaeologist friend said, "but the guide was very misinformed. Probably drunk. The Rarey Bird is not located in Inner Mongolia, or anywhere in Asia at all. The Rarey Bird can only be found in South America, in the part of the rainforest that lies deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley.”
So the collector bid his old fraternity brother adieu, took his caravan back across the burning sands of the deserts of Inner Mongolia, back across the deserts of Outer Mongolia, back across the Chinese continent, to a seaport. There, he booked passage on the first available ship bound for South America. Immediately he arrived, he hired a safari, and they plunged into the jungle and down, down, down deep into the Amazon River Valley rainforest. And there, deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley, he happened to encounter – an old Rarey Bird hunter.
The old Rarey Bird hunter informed him, that yes, indeed, the Rarey Bird is found deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley rainforest. And he told him about the Rarey Bird. It does not fly – it runs. It runs through the rainforest alongside the Amazon River. Rarey Birds always run in the same places along the Amazon River, forming paths through the rainforest. These are known by the locals as “Rarey Bird paths.”
The Rarey Bird hunter explained the method for catching a Rarey Bird. He said that what you do is go out into the rainforest and find a fresh Rarey Bird path. Then you tie a string around a tree on one side of the path, and hide behind a tree on the opposite side of the path. When a Rarey Bird comes running down the path, you lift up the string, the Rarey Bird trips on the string, and you jump up and grab him.
Well, the collector went out into the rainforest and did all that, and he got his Rarey Bird!
But, man, that's a long way to trip a Rarey!
One day, while browsing through a used book store in Oregon, he ran across a beautifully illustrated book on birds that he'd never seen before, so he bought it. And that evening, back in his hotel, he was reading through his new book when he was astonished to come across an entry for a bird he never heard of before, the world famous and very rare Rarey Bird. Amazed, he read the entry carefully, and learned that the Rarey Bird can only be found in the jungle on the West Coast of Africa.
The excited collector immediately checked out of his hotel, took a cab to Portland International Airport, and flew non-stop to New York. He booked a first class cabin on a ship to the west coast of Africa. On his arrival, he hired a safari and plunged deep into the jungle on the west coast of Africa. And there, deep in the jungle, he booked a room at the Explorers Club.
That evening, he was having a drink in the bar at the Explorers Club, when he happened to meet a friend who had been in the same biology class with him as an undergrad. They started chatting, his friend told him what he'd been up to, and the collector explained about his journey to find the Rarey Bird.
“I'm sorry to tell you this," said his friend, “but your book is wrong. The Rarey Bird is not found in the jungles on the west coast of Africa. The Rarey Bird can only be found in the jungles on the east coast of Africa.”
The next morning, the collector checked out of the Explorers Club, took his safari, and set out into the jungle. Across the jungles of west Africa. Across the dense jungles of central Africa. And deep into the jungle of east Africa. There, he stopped off at a large trading post to seek directions from a local guide.
“I'm sorry to tell you this,” the guide said, "but your friend was misinformed. The Rarey Bird is not located in the jungles of east Africa. In fact, it cannot be found on the African continent at all. The Rarey Bird can only be found in the innermost part of Inner Mongolia.”
Undaunted, the collector assembled his safari, and set off through the jungles of East Africa, making his way to the coast. There, he booked passage on a steamship to China. Upon his arrival, he hired a caravan, and set off across the Chinese continent to Outer Mongolia, across the desert sands of Outer Mongolia to Inner Mongolia, across the burning sands of the deserts of Inner Mongolia, until he reached the innermost part of Inner Mongolia. And there, he was surprised to run into an archaeologist friend who had been in the same fraternity in college, who was in the innermost part of Inner Mongolia conducting a dig. The collector told his old friend what he was doing in Inner Mongolia.
“I'm sorry to tell you this," the archaeologist friend said, "but the guide was very misinformed. Probably drunk. The Rarey Bird is not located in Inner Mongolia, or anywhere in Asia at all. The Rarey Bird can only be found in South America, in the part of the rainforest that lies deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley.”
So the collector bid his old fraternity brother adieu, took his caravan back across the burning sands of the deserts of Inner Mongolia, back across the deserts of Outer Mongolia, back across the Chinese continent, to a seaport. There, he booked passage on the first available ship bound for South America. Immediately he arrived, he hired a safari, and they plunged into the jungle and down, down, down deep into the Amazon River Valley rainforest. And there, deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley, he happened to encounter – an old Rarey Bird hunter.
The old Rarey Bird hunter informed him, that yes, indeed, the Rarey Bird is found deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley rainforest. And he told him about the Rarey Bird. It does not fly – it runs. It runs through the rainforest alongside the Amazon River. Rarey Birds always run in the same places along the Amazon River, forming paths through the rainforest. These are known by the locals as “Rarey Bird paths.”
The Rarey Bird hunter explained the method for catching a Rarey Bird. He said that what you do is go out into the rainforest and find a fresh Rarey Bird path. Then you tie a string around a tree on one side of the path, and hide behind a tree on the opposite side of the path. When a Rarey Bird comes running down the path, you lift up the string, the Rarey Bird trips on the string, and you jump up and grab him.
Well, the collector went out into the rainforest and did all that, and he got his Rarey Bird!
But, man, that's a long way to trip a Rarey!
Will / have robots elevated the prestige of tending bar?Guy ... says to the bartender “Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double too
In an automated bar would despondent husbands complain about their wives to the robots that dispensed their drinks?
$Tip the robot maintenance tech?
Looong way to a punchline.
Prefer prehistoric humor?
- gay dinosaur? MEGAsauras !
- lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus
- nearsighted dinosaur? DoYouThinkHeSawrUs?
- dinosaur as the transition surgery anesthesia wears off: RealRealsaur
joke  (jōk)n. 1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line. [Latin iocus; see yek- in the Appendix of Indo-European roots.] The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved. |
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.
At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.
At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Free association?
"Bum steer", a term denoting misdirection, is predominantly from Australia, New Zealand and North America. The idiom means to provide information, intentionally or unintentionally, that is incorrect, was unhelpful, or caused one to be led astray. The idiom, as used in Australia and New Zealand, reached the United States in the 1920s probably after exposure to Australian troops on the Western Front during World War I, and is recorded in the UK since 1944.
Its origin is possibly from 19th-century American maritime humour and the difficulty of trying to steer a vessel in reverse. A ship's stern is flat and lacks the pointed structure of a bow, and a ship is therefore difficult to maneuver in reverse when using the rudder, also found on the stern. The reverse maneuvering was accomplished therefore through shouted instructions from the wharf to the wheelhouse, via intermediary deckhands. Such communication was prone to misunderstanding owing to the wide variety of nationalities employed on United States merchant vessels during the 19th century.
More from Wikipedia
Wikipedia text under CC-BY-SA license
Bum steer
English-language idiom with maritime origins, referring to misinformation "Bum steer", a term denoting misdirection, is predominantly from Australia, New Zealand and North America. The idiom means to provide information, intentionally or unintentionally, that is incorrect, was unhelpful, or caused one to be led astray. The idiom, as used in Australia and New Zealand, reached the United States in the 1920s probably after exposure to Australian troops on the Western Front during World War I, and is recorded in the UK since 1944.
Its origin is possibly from 19th-century American maritime humour and the difficulty of trying to steer a vessel in reverse. A ship's stern is flat and lacks the pointed structure of a bow, and a ship is therefore difficult to maneuver in reverse when using the rudder, also found on the stern. The reverse maneuvering was accomplished therefore through shouted instructions from the wharf to the wheelhouse, via intermediary deckhands. Such communication was prone to misunderstanding owing to the wide variety of nationalities employed on United States merchant vessels during the 19th century.
More from Wikipedia
Wikipedia text under CC-BY-SA license
I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
"Silence of the Lamb. [sic]
The late, great Hannibal Lecter, is a wonderful man.
He often times would have a friend for dinner." President Trump, Wildwood, NJ 24/05/11
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
"Silence of the Lamb. [sic]
The late, great Hannibal Lecter, is a wonderful man.
He often times would have a friend for dinner." President Trump, Wildwood, NJ 24/05/11
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Re #449 - Trump supposedly does think that Hannibal Lecter is a real person.
How is that even possible ?!
!?
Alright: quick review:
I included the Trump / Wildwood joke in #449 out of "give the Devil his due" magnanimity. Trump generally falls short of a laugh riot in my opinion,
but for those tolerant of gallows (graveyard), cannibal humor, it's among the best jokes I've heard from Trump.
I've encountered a few murmurs about Trump needing a psych. eval.
I doubt Trump is stupid enough to submit to one significantly before November. I'm not even sure Trump could pass a Rorschach test, not normally a P or F standard.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
I remember Coco.
Not sure it was a majority, or plurality view, but there seemed to be some hope / belief that if Coco would benefit from the boost of human civilization,
that knowledge could then be released to the wild, and elevate wild gorillas to more human-like existence.
Didn't work.
BUT !
iirc they did succeed in teaching Coco to shut the water off after running water at the kitchen sink.
Thus, what Coco taught us is humans tend to anthropomorphism.
- back to humor -
Say something funny sear.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
sear: 555-OWOW
A loving husband wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party for her, & ordered her a birthday cake. The baker asked: "What inscription would you like on the cake?"
After some thought the husband decided: Put
"You're not getting older" at the top, and
"You're getting better" at the bottom.
The wife was the one that received the cake when it was delivered.
She opened the box and read the inscription:
"You're not getting older at the top
you're getting better at the bottom."
Shiftless2
Well-known member
It is embarrassing how much I enjoyed that. It was like a vacation in Dublin, no jet-lag. Can't top it. How to follow it ... ?
The ice cream binging penguin?
The penguin's car was leaking oil, so he took it to his mechanic. During the check the penguin waited in the freezer where, out of boredom he began devouring all the ice cream in sight. When the mechanic leaned in & declared "It looks like you've blown a seal.", the penguin quickly wiped his beak and insisted, "Never! It's only ice-cream!"
That's as low as I go
I hope.