Just a little humor

One night, a blonde nun knelt in her room, deep in prayer, when suddenly God appeared before her in a radiant glow.

"My daughter," God said warmly, "your selflessness and love for others have greatly pleased me. Your prayers are pure, and your actions are guided by kindness. I’ve come to commend you—and to grant you one wish, anything your heart desires."

The nun looked up, her face serene.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am truly content. I lack nothing and feel blessed in every way."

"But surely there is something you long for," God said gently.

The nun hesitated for a moment before replying, "Well, there is one thing."

"Speak it, and it shall be done," God said with a smile.

"It's the blonde jokes," she said earnestly. "They’re so unfair and demeaning—not just to me, but to blondes everywhere. It would mean the world if they could stop."

"Consider it done," God declared. "From this moment, blonde jokes shall be no more. But surely, there must be something else I can do for you personally."

The nun paused, clearly reluctant. "Well... there is one small thing," she admitted.

"Please, tell me," God urged.

She sighed and said,

👉
"It’s the M&M’s… they’re just so hard to peel."
 
It is a requirement of law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

But how the %$#@ am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?!
 
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
 
[td]
hddbtnTsnnRttghIYpVvuvdxHtk9tNdmJLYM0ibW.png
​
[/td]
Issue 339 - 19th September 2025
​
[td]
​
[/td]

What you can and can't say in the People's Republic of America​

​


1Q64xn8ScnCVJe16N37hm9wQZ6ubq00T4CEg1Qsb.jpg

Recently there has been some confusion about what you can say in the great country of America,

Many have claimed that Glorious Leader Donald J Trump has inconsistent views on speech and comedy, despite being the man who made those things legal when he saved America from the evil dictator Joe Biden.

You can say whatever you want in God's glorious nation, just assuming that you want to say only the correct things. But to clear up confusion his excellency has given us a guide to help double check...

You can not show any clips of him saying things that may be interpreted to look bad for cheap bullying laughs.

You can put your hand in his luscious hair and talk about how definitely real it is.

FeEW3e134LIqjtdgsSDvvES7CjzPKFCKEwqbW4EP.jpg


You can not ....

MORE>

Additional articles from the Chaser at the bottom
 
More from "the Chaser"

Trump vows to jail anyone who says he’s against free speech​

Tom Basso

Former-Former US President Donald Trump has doubled down on his support for free speech by vowing to jail anyone who says he’s against it.

This comes after pressure from the Trump administration who vowed to ‘legalise comedy’ is said to have contributed to the axing of talk shows hosts Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel, but unfortunately not Jimmy Fallon.

Despite this, Trump is adamant that he supports all forms of free speech as long as it is limited to complements, praise and rigorous arse kissing.

“I am a huge fan of the first amendment, which is of course that the President’s feelings must be protected at all costs.”

“By the way has everyone seen the renovations on the new White House ballroom?”

Journalists have also been warned that if you ask any questions about free speech, Trump will call your countries leader and dob on you in the hopes you are arrested there too.

SOURCE
 
They Walk Among Us..

Some days, I truly wonder how we’ve made it this far as a species.
😅


I was at Walmart the other day. My total came to $46.64, so I handed the cashier a $50 bill.

She stared me down, handed me back $46.64 in change,and just kept on scanning like it was totally normal.

Me: "Uh… I think there's a mistake."

Her: (already annoyed) "Sir, I’m educated. I know what I’m doing."

She shoved the money back at me like I was the problem.

So... I did what any reasonable adult would do I handed it back.

She pushed it back at me, this time with extra attitude.

I shrugged, picked up my bags, and walked out $46.64 richer.
🧍‍♂️
🧠
💨


Then there was the time I went to Starbucks with a Buy-One-Get-One-Free coupon. The barista studied it like she was decoding ancient scrolls, glanced up at the chalkboard that literally said Buy One, Get One Free, and had a revelation:

"So that means… they’re both free!"

I smiled, took my two free lattes, and walked out like a legend.
☕
☕


(No, I did not correct her.)

One time I was walking on the beach with some friends when one of them gasped and shouted:

"Look! A dead bird!"

Another friend looked straight up at the sky and asked: "Where?"

I stood there, stunned. Absolutely no words.

When my brother was house-hunting, he asked the real estate agent which direction was north, saying he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

She paused, then asked:

"Wait… does the sun rise in the north?"

He laughed, thinking she was joking.

She wasn't.

"Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff."

I had to physically remove myself from the conversation.

At a 24/7 call center I used to work at, a guy once called in and asked:

"What hours are you open?"

Me: "We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

Him: "Okay, but is that Eastern or Pacific time?" …Bro.

My sister has one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in her car, in case she ever gets trapped.

She keeps it… in the trunk.

Genius-level planning right there.
🧠
🔒


One time, we bought two cases of beer** at a store that offered 10% off per case.

The cashier did some lightning-fast math and proudly told us:

"That’s 10% plus 10%… so 20% off!"

We nodded and accepted her new math. Whatever works.

Lost my luggage once and went to the counter to report it.

Me: "My bags didn’t show up."

The woman smiled sweetly: "No problem. Has your plane landed yet?"

Me:
😐
"Nope. Just popped down mid-flight to check."

She nodded seriously. "Okay, come back after you land."

Will do.
👍


And lastly, while working at a pizza place, a guy ordered a small pizza to-go.

Cook: "Want it cut into 4 or 6 slices?"

Him: thinks deeply "Better do 4. I’m not hungry enough for 6."

I… I really hope he’s doing okay out there.

They Walk Among Us… and sometimes, they hand you free coffee. So who's the real winner here?
 
BREAKING: Mike Johnson is in the ER.

Who’s Mike? Glad you asked.

Mike’s the genius husband who stumbled into the kitchen last night at 2 a.m., smelling like hot wings and cheap beer. His wife, Karen, was waiting… arms folded, eyebrow raised like she was about to file for divorce.

“Care to explain?” she hissed.

Mike, proud as a peacock, slurred:

“Babe… I just bought us a motorcycle!”

Karen blinked. “A motorcycle? We can barely afford gas for the minivan. Why would you do that?”

Mike grinned ear to ear.

“Reason one: Cheaper than therapy.

Reason two: Way cooler than a dad bod.

Reason three: I want the neighbors to hear FREEDOM when I ride to work.

And reason four…” He leaned in dramatically… “When you’re mad at me, you can’t hear me snore if I’m sleeping in the garage.”

Fast forward: Mike is currently in Room 114, St. Mary’s Hospital. Broken collarbone, bruised ego, and still grounded from touching the TV remote.

Prayers, thoughts, and maybe Uber Eats gift cards are welcome.

1758657461307.png
 
Even if you've seen this before it's still worth a laugh

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, documnt their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top