Shiftless2
Well-known member
Figured we needed a thread for jokes so they don't get lost amidst other topics
Just a little humor
- Thread starter Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
'Big John' staggers out of the saloon and onto the street only to find that his horse has been painted yellow. He storms back into the bar screaming and cursing and promising a painful death to the man who did this.
“Stand up you cowardly Dog! I’ve got something to say to you!”.
A huge mountain of a man stands up at the back of the saloon.
He’s dripping knives and guns.
He roars out to Big John, “I painted ya horse yella… What have you got to say to me”?
Big John: “The first coat’s dry”.
“Stand up you cowardly Dog! I’ve got something to say to you!”.
A huge mountain of a man stands up at the back of the saloon.
He’s dripping knives and guns.
He roars out to Big John, “I painted ya horse yella… What have you got to say to me”?
Big John: “The first coat’s dry”.
Reminds me of a joke my 10th grade English teacher told in class.
'Big Brian' staggers out of the saloon furious about LBJ.
So enraged Big Brian leans back in through the doorway and declares: Johnson is a horses ass!
Several patrons leap to their feet, stampede to Big Brian, pick him up and dump him head first in the watering trough.
Soaking wet, but no less enraged Bri Bri struggles to his feet, stumbles back to the barroom doorway and declares: Johnson is a HORSES ASS !
Again patrons surge toward Big Brian, lift him off his feet, and toss him skidding onto the roadway where the road dust makes thick mud on his saturated clothing.
Never more angry Big Brian stumbles back to the barroom doorway and marvels aloud: This must really be Johnson territory !
"No sir." replied the barkeep. "This is horse territory."
'Big Brian' staggers out of the saloon furious about LBJ.
So enraged Big Brian leans back in through the doorway and declares: Johnson is a horses ass!
Several patrons leap to their feet, stampede to Big Brian, pick him up and dump him head first in the watering trough.
Soaking wet, but no less enraged Bri Bri struggles to his feet, stumbles back to the barroom doorway and declares: Johnson is a HORSES ASS !
Again patrons surge toward Big Brian, lift him off his feet, and toss him skidding onto the roadway where the road dust makes thick mud on his saturated clothing.
Never more angry Big Brian stumbles back to the barroom doorway and marvels aloud: This must really be Johnson territory !
"No sir." replied the barkeep. "This is horse territory."
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned.
“Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!”
“Oh, yes – what did it say?”
“Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!”
“Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?”
“Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!”
“Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.
“Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!”
“Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”
“Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!”
“Oh, yes – what did it say?”
“Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!”
“Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?”
“Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!”
“Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.
“Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!”
“Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”
“Jake Teixeira is white, male, christian, and antiwar. That makes him an enemy to the Biden regime,” Greene said in tweets Thursday. “Ask yourself who is the real enemy? A young low level national guardsmen? Or the administration that is waging war in Ukraine, a non-NATO nation, against nuclear Russia without war powers?” Marjorie Taylor Greene
Former Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wyo.) lambasted Greene over the comments, saying she “cannot be trusted with America’s national security information.”
"She’s still favored to win the Kentucky Derby!
" George
https://news.yahoo.com/former-cia-chief-says-greene-172351806.html
Former Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wyo.) lambasted Greene over the comments, saying she “cannot be trusted with America’s national security information.”
"She’s still favored to win the Kentucky Derby!
" Georgehttps://news.yahoo.com/former-cia-chief-says-greene-172351806.html
Shiftless2
Well-known member
This is wrong on so many levels but very British.
You may have heard of a man called Jimmy Saville. For those of you that haven't he was a British TV and Radio personality. A friend of the royals and a knight of the realm. He was also quite possibly the worst sex offender the world has ever seen. He liked children A LOT. Because of his celebrity and charitable works he had acces to children's hospitals and care homes. This enabled him to fuck all sorts of children. He wasn't fussy disabled both physically and educationally? Didn't care. Alive or dead wasn't an issue for him. He was a truly degenerate sick bastard who is thankfully now dead.
One of his biggest TV hits was a show called Jim'll fix it.
This involved children writing in requests and Jim granting them. As an example, one of the most well known was arranging for a troop of boy scouts to eat their lunch on a roller coaster. You get the idea.
After his death the facts about his depravity became public knowledge and obviously there was the a lot of talk about him. On a Radio show they actually read out a letter that read and I apologise for this.
“When I was eight Jim fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded".
Like I said wrong but it is also very British. There isn't a situation that we won't make up a joke about.
You may have heard of a man called Jimmy Saville. For those of you that haven't he was a British TV and Radio personality. A friend of the royals and a knight of the realm. He was also quite possibly the worst sex offender the world has ever seen. He liked children A LOT. Because of his celebrity and charitable works he had acces to children's hospitals and care homes. This enabled him to fuck all sorts of children. He wasn't fussy disabled both physically and educationally? Didn't care. Alive or dead wasn't an issue for him. He was a truly degenerate sick bastard who is thankfully now dead.
One of his biggest TV hits was a show called Jim'll fix it.
This involved children writing in requests and Jim granting them. As an example, one of the most well known was arranging for a troop of boy scouts to eat their lunch on a roller coaster. You get the idea.
After his death the facts about his depravity became public knowledge and obviously there was the a lot of talk about him. On a Radio show they actually read out a letter that read and I apologise for this.
“When I was eight Jim fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded".
Like I said wrong but it is also very British. There isn't a situation that we won't make up a joke about.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
I'm sorry but I laughed
www.cracked.com
Australian Comic Cancels Festival Gig for Fear That His Gay Jesus Jokes Could Turn the Christian Right Violent
As the saying goes, there ain’t no hate like Christian love
www.cracked.com
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Mrs Smith went to hospital to give birth. After the baby was born the doctor said to her “I'm really sorry Mrs Smith but your baby is a hermaphrodite”. “A what?” asked Mrs Smith. “A hermaphrodite, it has features of both sexes” said the doctor. Mrs Smith gasps and says “Oh my god….it has a penis AND a brain!”.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Great news" the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."
"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.
"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by the mall on the way home and walk the length of the stores. You'll see that you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."
"Oh, Doctor, what can I do to thank you?"
"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new TV."
"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.
"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by the mall on the way home and walk the length of the stores. You'll see that you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."
"Oh, Doctor, what can I do to thank you?"
"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new TV."
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school. He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested & she asks “…How did it go?”
“I died of shame”…he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly…
“But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and Daddy
had to make me yourselves!”
His mother, is very interested & she asks “…How did it go?”
“I died of shame”…he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly…
“But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and Daddy
Shiftless2
Well-known member
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch the m?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch the m?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
"I am a good judge of people, animals and politician's." Grace06
And then there's the thread-worn but popular: Diapers and politicians should be changed frequently, for much the same reason.
I'd like to think we can elevate our criticism (I'd say "analysis" but it may seem like an intentional pun) of the Trump / MTG / Santos crowd above scatology.
Was it always this bad? Or has the new millennium concentrated the "asylum" candidates in the public sector?
And then there's the thread-worn but popular: Diapers and politicians should be changed frequently, for much the same reason.
I'd like to think we can elevate our criticism (I'd say "analysis" but it may seem like an intentional pun) of the Trump / MTG / Santos crowd above scatology.
Was it always this bad? Or has the new millennium concentrated the "asylum" candidates in the public sector?
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were so many knights.
Whenever I see a couple’s names carved into a tree, I can’t help but wonder why all these people are bringing knives on a date.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Because there were so many knights.
Whenever I see a couple’s names carved into a tree, I can’t help but wonder why all these people are bringing knives on a date.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Your shirtless profile pic screams bad boy, but your floral wallpaper in the background says you still live with your mom.
He texted me "your adorable". I replied, " No, YOU'RE adorable". Now he likes me, but all I did was point out his typo.
"If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing." km
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.
Rock the weekend !
He texted me "your adorable". I replied, " No, YOU'RE adorable". Now he likes me, but all I did was point out his typo.
"If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing." km
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.
Rock the weekend !
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Can't resist
And if the swallow didn't make it there's the antistork
And if the swallow didn't make it there's the antistork