BREAKING: Trump claims that turkeys “eat beef and smoothies” in demented White House rant!
Speaking to the public today at the White House, Donald Trump showcased the deterioration of his mental capacity in an utterly nonsensical rant about “Make America Healthy Again” (MAHA) turkeys who…eat beef? And smoothies? And…what?
“These are two of the largest turkeys ever presented to an American president. Over 50 pounds each. It's the largest we've ever had.”
“Those are big turkeys. Are they as good as the normal-sized turkey? Better or as good? Do they tend to be a little fatty, maybe? No, he said no. He knows the turkey business.”
“Anyway, despite their size, Secretary Kennedy has formally certified that these are the first-ever MAHA turkeys. I don't know if I agree with that. These are MAHA.”
“In other words, they could be fat, but they're still MAHA. They've been fattened on a steady diet of grass, beef, to allow the smoothies and all of the other things that they've been eating for this occasion. This was a really big occasion.”
“But they've eaten every fattening food that you can eat. We work like — we wanted to really make them special. And they really are.”
“They're, like, record-setting. I've never seen a turkey that big before. Are they violent at all? Will they attack as I walk over? Because if they were, I'll stay right up here.”
Ooooookay, Grandpa. Sure they are. Please hand over the keys to the country now, and please don’t feed the turkeys any beef smoothies.
It is absolutely infuriating that we’re supposed to just ignore Trump’s obvious descent into senility and pretend that we can’t see what is clearly obvious to anyone watching: the president is losing his grip on reality.
I disagree - he isn't losing his grip on reality - he's already lost it (a long time ago)
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It starts, as these things so often do now, with home décor. The president steps out on the South Lawn, not to talk about wars or famines or mass deportations, but to brag that he’s had the grass ripped up so no one’s shoes get muddy at the turkey pardon. He lingers on the new patio like an HGTV host who accidentally seized nuclear codes, proudly announcing, “I hope you like our new beautiful patio with matching stone to the White House,” and assuring everyone that if he hadn’t remodeled the place, “you’d be sinking into the mud like they’ve done for many years.” The first message of the day is clear: nothing says “normal democracy” like tearing up the lawn so your donors don’t sink into it while you rant about crime.
From there, the ceremony swerves into the kind of alternate universe where the national debt, the criminal code, and the fate of two confused birds are all part of the same psychic weather system. He wishes everyone a “very, very happy Thanksgiving,” immediately informs us that the economy is doing “better than we’ve ever done before,” and rebrands the turkey pardon as a geopolitical crisis. Before he can even get to Gobble and Waddle, he breaks in with: “I want to make an important announcement.”
And what a Thanksgiving announcement it is.
Last year’s presidential turkey pardon, he explains, is invalid because Joe Biden used an auto-pen. It’s said with the gravity usually reserved for ....
It starts, as these things so often do now, with home décor. The president steps out on the South Lawn, not to talk about wars or famines or mass deportations, but to brag that he’s had the grass ripped up so no one’s shoes get muddy at the turkey pardon. He lingers on the new patio like an HGTV host who accidentally seized nuclear codes, proudly announcing, “I hope you like our new beautiful patio with matching stone to the White House,” and assuring everyone that if he hadn’t remodeled the place, “you’d be sinking into the mud like they’ve done for many years.” The first message of the day is clear: nothing says “normal democracy” like tearing up the lawn so your donors don’t sink into it while you rant about crime.
From there, the ceremony swerves into the kind of alternate universe where the national debt, the criminal code, and the fate of two confused birds are all part of the same psychic weather system. He wishes everyone a “very, very happy Thanksgiving,” immediately informs us that the economy is doing “better than we’ve ever done before,” and rebrands the turkey pardon as a geopolitical crisis. Before he can even get to Gobble and Waddle, he breaks in with: “I want to make an important announcement.”
And what a Thanksgiving announcement it is.
Last year’s presidential turkey pardon, he explains, is invalid because Joe Biden used an auto-pen. It’s said with the gravity usually reserved for ....
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