Just a little humor
- Thread starter Shiftless2
- Start date
Inside the Sistine Chapel his holiness the Pope was asked a question.
He doesn't have that much more holes than normal people, but they call him "holiness" anyways.
So they asked him: "How many people work here at the Vatican?"
His holiness replied: "Almost half of them."
- gosh -
He doesn't have that much more holes than normal people, but they call him "holiness" anyways.
So they asked him: "How many people work here at the Vatican?"
His holiness replied: "Almost half of them."
- gosh -
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS WHO KNEW?!
So, a couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a bunch of potted plants. During a cold snap, the wife decided to bring some indoors to protect them from the freeze. Seems smart, right?
Well… hidden inside one of the pots was a harmless little garden snake. Once it warmed up, it slithered out and disappeared under the couch.
Cue the wife’s scream of the century.
Her husband, in the shower at the time, came running out soaking wet and completely naked to see what was wrong.
She tells him there's a snake under the sofa.
He drops to his hands and knees to investigate just as the dog comes up and cold-noses him from behind. Thinking the snake bit him, he screams, flails, and falls flat on the floor.
Wife assumes it’s a heart attack.
Covers him up. Calls 911.
EMTs rush in, load the poor guy (still protesting) onto a stretcher. Just as they’re carrying him out… the snake comes slithering out again.
One of the EMTs sees the snake and drops his end of the stretcher.
That’s how the husband broke his leg and why he’s now in the hospital.
Meanwhile, the snake’s still in the house.
So the wife calls a neighbor for help.
He shows up with a rolled-up newspaper like he’s Indiana Jones. Pokes around, thinks the coast is clear. The wife relaxes and sits on the couch in relief.
That is… until she dangles her hand between the cushions — and feels the snake.
She screams. Faints. The snake retreats.
Neighbor thinks she’s dying, so he starts giving her CPR.
Just then, his wife walks in from the store… sees her husband mouth-to-mouth with another woman… and whacks him in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods.
Knocks him out cold. Blood everywhere. Needs stitches.
The scream wakes the wife from her faint, and she sees her neighbor KO’d on the floor — assumes he got bit. Runs to the kitchen, grabs whiskey, and starts pouring it down his throat.
Cue the police
— now on scene.
They walk in, smell the booze, see the chaos, and assume there’s been a drunken fight. They’re about to make arrests when both women start yelling, “IT WAS THE SNAKE!!”
While everyone is distracted, the snake (again) slithers out.
One of the cops draws his gun and fires. Misses the snake. Hits a table. Lamp crashes, bulb explodes, sparks ignite the drapes.
Second cop tries to beat out the fire, trips, falls out the window… and lands on the dog, who bolts into the street, causing a car to swerve and smash into the parked police cruiser.
Meanwhile, neighbors spot the flames and call the fire department.
As the fire truck arrives, the ladder goes up too soon, snags overhead wires, and cuts the power and phones to TEN city blocks.
(They did manage to put out the fire though. Small win.)
Eventually, both injured men were released from the hospital. The house was repaired. The dog came home. The police got a new cruiser. Life returned to normal.
…until a few weeks later, while watching TV, the weatherman warned of another cold front.
The wife turned to her husband and said, “Should we bring in the plants again tonight?”
And that’s when…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
he shot her.
.
So, a couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a bunch of potted plants. During a cold snap, the wife decided to bring some indoors to protect them from the freeze. Seems smart, right?
Well… hidden inside one of the pots was a harmless little garden snake. Once it warmed up, it slithered out and disappeared under the couch.
Cue the wife’s scream of the century.
Her husband, in the shower at the time, came running out soaking wet and completely naked to see what was wrong.
She tells him there's a snake under the sofa.
He drops to his hands and knees to investigate just as the dog comes up and cold-noses him from behind. Thinking the snake bit him, he screams, flails, and falls flat on the floor.
Wife assumes it’s a heart attack.
Covers him up. Calls 911.
EMTs rush in, load the poor guy (still protesting) onto a stretcher. Just as they’re carrying him out… the snake comes slithering out again.
One of the EMTs sees the snake and drops his end of the stretcher.
That’s how the husband broke his leg and why he’s now in the hospital.
Meanwhile, the snake’s still in the house.
So the wife calls a neighbor for help.
He shows up with a rolled-up newspaper like he’s Indiana Jones. Pokes around, thinks the coast is clear. The wife relaxes and sits on the couch in relief.
That is… until she dangles her hand between the cushions — and feels the snake.
She screams. Faints. The snake retreats.
Neighbor thinks she’s dying, so he starts giving her CPR.
Just then, his wife walks in from the store… sees her husband mouth-to-mouth with another woman… and whacks him in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods.
Knocks him out cold. Blood everywhere. Needs stitches.
The scream wakes the wife from her faint, and she sees her neighbor KO’d on the floor — assumes he got bit. Runs to the kitchen, grabs whiskey, and starts pouring it down his throat.
Cue the police
They walk in, smell the booze, see the chaos, and assume there’s been a drunken fight. They’re about to make arrests when both women start yelling, “IT WAS THE SNAKE!!”
While everyone is distracted, the snake (again) slithers out.
One of the cops draws his gun and fires. Misses the snake. Hits a table. Lamp crashes, bulb explodes, sparks ignite the drapes.
Second cop tries to beat out the fire, trips, falls out the window… and lands on the dog, who bolts into the street, causing a car to swerve and smash into the parked police cruiser.
Meanwhile, neighbors spot the flames and call the fire department.
As the fire truck arrives, the ladder goes up too soon, snags overhead wires, and cuts the power and phones to TEN city blocks.
(They did manage to put out the fire though. Small win.)
Eventually, both injured men were released from the hospital. The house was repaired. The dog came home. The police got a new cruiser. Life returned to normal.
…until a few weeks later, while watching TV, the weatherman warned of another cold front.
The wife turned to her husband and said, “Should we bring in the plants again tonight?”
And that’s when…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
he shot her.
.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind." The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment. Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!" Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!" Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside. The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!" "Crap!" Jerry exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing. The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before.
Sign in Taiwan tailor shop: Drop your pants here, and enjoy the afternoon.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so remember …
don't drink and derive.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
This cartoon was glued to one of the grad student offices when I entered first year as an undergrad. Someone had stuck it there and then covered it with varnish so it would last. It was still there when I finished my doctorate many years later.
Not sure how to express this as curiosity, rather than interrogation,
how did you find the clean (varnish free) duplicate for posting?
I've got a fave from my youth:
BUT !
It shows its age. I wouldn't mind cleaning it up, if I can.
<< >>
I asked Grandma which walker she preferred.
She said Johnnie.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Google is your friend
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Men & Gorillas
www.facebook.com
58K views · 913 reactions | A MARRIED COUPLE AT A ZOO WALK PAST A GORILLA ENCLOSURE. | Funny Videos
A MARRIED COUPLE AT A ZOO WALK PAST A GORILLA ENCLOSURE.
www.facebook.com
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Frank was a simple farmer, a man of few words and steady hands. His fields stretched wide under the open sky, offering him the only real peace he knew. At home, however, life was far from tranquil. His wife had a voice sharper than a scythe and a talent for finding fault in everything he did. From dawn to dusk, she nagged, complained, and scolded, making even the hardest days in the field seem like a blessing.
One afternoon, as Frank guided his old donkey through the rows of tilled earth, his wife appeared, basket in hand. She had brought him lunch—along with her usual barrage of grievances. As Frank sat on an overturned bucket, chewing his sandwich, she stood beside him, arms crossed, unleashing a relentless storm of complaints.
Then, in an instant, fate—or perhaps sheer exhaustion—intervened.
With no warning, Frank’s old donkey lashed out, kicking up its hind legs. A single, fateful blow struck his wife squarely in the head. She crumpled to the ground, lifeless.
The funeral was a grand affair. People came from all over, some to mourn, others—if truth be told—out of sheer curiosity. The village priest observed the gathering closely.
Something peculiar caught his eye.
Whenever a woman approached Frank, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief and whispering words of sympathy, he nodded solemnly, up and down. But when the men stepped forward, speaking in hushed tones, Frank would shake his head side to side.
Intrigued, the priest waited until the last mourner had gone before stepping beside the farmer.
"Frank," he asked gently, "I couldn’t help but notice. When the women offered their condolences, you nodded. But when the men spoke, you shook your head. Why is that?"
Frank sighed, adjusting his hat. "Well, Father," he said, "the women all told me how lovely she looked, how nice her dress was—so I nodded along to be polite."
"And the men?" the priest pressed.
A slow smile tugged at the corner of Frank’s lips. "Every single one of ‘em asked the same thing—‘Is that donkey for sale?’"
The priest blinked, then let out a chuckle. Frank simply shrugged, tipping his hat to the setting sun before heading back to his fields—where the only voice he’d hear now was the whisper of the wind.
One afternoon, as Frank guided his old donkey through the rows of tilled earth, his wife appeared, basket in hand. She had brought him lunch—along with her usual barrage of grievances. As Frank sat on an overturned bucket, chewing his sandwich, she stood beside him, arms crossed, unleashing a relentless storm of complaints.
Then, in an instant, fate—or perhaps sheer exhaustion—intervened.
With no warning, Frank’s old donkey lashed out, kicking up its hind legs. A single, fateful blow struck his wife squarely in the head. She crumpled to the ground, lifeless.
The funeral was a grand affair. People came from all over, some to mourn, others—if truth be told—out of sheer curiosity. The village priest observed the gathering closely.
Something peculiar caught his eye.
Whenever a woman approached Frank, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief and whispering words of sympathy, he nodded solemnly, up and down. But when the men stepped forward, speaking in hushed tones, Frank would shake his head side to side.
Intrigued, the priest waited until the last mourner had gone before stepping beside the farmer.
"Frank," he asked gently, "I couldn’t help but notice. When the women offered their condolences, you nodded. But when the men spoke, you shook your head. Why is that?"
Frank sighed, adjusting his hat. "Well, Father," he said, "the women all told me how lovely she looked, how nice her dress was—so I nodded along to be polite."
"And the men?" the priest pressed.
A slow smile tugged at the corner of Frank’s lips. "Every single one of ‘em asked the same thing—‘Is that donkey for sale?’"
The priest blinked, then let out a chuckle. Frank simply shrugged, tipping his hat to the setting sun before heading back to his fields—where the only voice he’d hear now was the whisper of the wind.