Just a little humor

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
 
An elderly man who was new to El Paso was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a North Mesa. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a desk sergeant approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
 
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
 
Shiftless2 said:
" ten year old polyester " #869
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Appallingly durable. BUT !!

"thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee" Leviticus 19:19
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Too bad Lev !
35% Cotton : 65% Poly very comfortable. If god doesn't like it s/he can wear 100% Poly.

Shiftless2 said:
IRS #869
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OTO
"Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die. ... People want the public services. We can't have the public services without some level of taxation." United States House of Representatives Financial Services Chairman Barney Frank
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The date is 8/8. Isn't that grate?
“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”“How about you?”“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”
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note:
A piano may be nicknamed "eighty eight", because it has 88 keys. But serious musicians reportedly avoid this numerical alias.
 
At the wedding rehearsal, the groom pulls the pastor aside with a sly grin and discreetly hands him a folded $100 bill.

💵
“Listen,” he whispers, “when it’s time for the vows tomorrow, skip the whole bit about me having to love, honor, and obey, and definitely don’t mention anything about lifelong fidelity. Just… gloss over that part, alright?”

The pastor gives a small nod, tucks the cash into his pocket, and the groom walks away feeling like a genius.
😎


The next day, the chapel is packed. Music swells. The bride walks down the aisle looking radiant, and the groom stands tall, ready to seal the deal on his terms.
hen comes the moment of truth.

The pastor clears his throat and turns to the groom:

📜
“Do you promise to surrender your remote control privileges, massage her feet on demand, do the dishes nightly without complaint, and swear—before God and everyone here—that you’ll never even blink at another woman, for as long as you both shall live?”

😳
The groom blinks rapidly, jaw dropping.

"...Yes," he croaks.

After the ceremony, fuming, he corners the pastor.

“I thought we had an agreement!”

The pastor calmly slips another $100 into his hand and murmurs with a smile:

“She doubled your offer.”
 
sear said:
Is it ethical to accept a higher offer once the original agreement is made? Seems like this bloke picked the wrong pastor.
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Ever hear of gazumping? A friend (retired real estate lawyer - partner in one of the major UK firms) was the one who told me about it - from what he's said over the years it's a pretty common practice,

Gazumping in real estate is when a seller accepts a buyer's offer, but then accepts a higher offer from someone else before contracts are legally exchanged. It's a practice more common in competitive housing markets. While not illegal, it's considered unethical as it leaves the initial buyer in a difficult position.
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As for the pastor, this bloke didn't need an honest pastor, just one who would stay bought.
 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
words
Shiftless2 said:
Ever hear of gazumping? S2 #876
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Never saw the word until today. "Live & learn"

Shiftless2 said:
"As for the pastor, this bloke didn't need an honest pastor, just one who would stay bought." S2 #876
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Ah yes, the ethical crook.

Shiftless2 said:
"sternum." #877
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Ha!
Med. school entrance exam.: Rearrange these letters
P N E I S
to form the name of an important human body part which is the most useful when it is erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today. My career is going spectacularly! "Would you like fries with that?"
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