Just a little humor
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Shiftless2
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Q: What's the one thing Canada has that the US does not?
A: A population that doesn't think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
A: A population that doesn't think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
Whose wife was she?
It's a rare wife that burns the stake, doesn't happen very oven.
Amateurs built the Arc.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Ruth built Yankee stadium.
While we're at it, once the Canadian political election dust settles,
think Canada might annex the U.S.?
The Southern Province? Mexican Columbia? All the way down to the Gulf of
Shiftless2
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A gun totin' cat can hurt more than your felines.
Does a cat bigamist have 9 wives?
Did Attila's Mom call him Hun?
Shiftless2
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I know, I shouldn't laugh but
It's a rare man that doesn't deeply appreciate the oral affections of a gifted woman.
"Rare are they who prefer virtue to the pleasures of sex." Confucius
Shiftless2
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This guy is working on the train and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the engineer to set off when there's a woman half getting on the car. The engineer sets off, the woman falls from the train and is killed.
At the trial the guy is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the train selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the engineer to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The guy is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The guy is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, this fella gets his job back on the train. Once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nah" said the guy... "I'm just a really bad conductor."
At the trial the guy is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the train selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the engineer to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The guy is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The guy is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, this fella gets his job back on the train. Once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nah" said the guy... "I'm just a really bad conductor."
Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
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A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field.
"That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."
Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.
"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."
Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.
"What are those?" asked the Texan.
The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
"That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."
Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.
"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."
Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.
"What are those?" asked the Texan.
The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
agri-couture TX v MA:
Overheard, a rivalry contest between a Texas rancher and a Massachusetts farmer.
The rancher, intending to flaunt Texas scale boasted:
"I hopped in my truck and drove the perimeter of my Texas ranch. It took almost 7 hours."
The Yank nodded in agreement and replied:
"Yeah. I had a truck like that once." badda boom badda bing
Woman seen here boasting: I can open it up this wide !
Still no explanation why her right foot is on her left leg.
special thanks to MILF Wellness for this contribution
Shiftless2
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So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter—a good find for many retirees—I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first shift, a very loud, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they shared some similar features, they certainly didn’t look like each other.
The woman stopped yelling long enough to snap,
"Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
So I replied,
"I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am—I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My supervisor later said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
About two hours into my first shift, a very loud, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they shared some similar features, they certainly didn’t look like each other.
The woman stopped yelling long enough to snap,
"Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
So I replied,
"I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am—I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My supervisor later said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all staying at a hotel for a convention.
The engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke. He opens the door of his room and sees a small fire in the hall. He gets the ice bucket from his room, fills it to the top with water from the sink, takes it out into the hall, and throws it on the fire. The fire is out, and he goes back to bed.
An hour later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens the door of his room and sees a small fire. He goes back into his room to get some instruments to take some readings from the fire. He goes back into his room and uses the 6 ounce water glass in the bathroom to measure out a precise amount of water so he can fill the ice bucket with just enough to put out the fire. He goes back into the hallway, douses the flames with water, and goes back to bed.
An hour later the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He opens the door of his room and sees a small fire. He stands there, thinking. And thinking. And thinking. Looking at the fire and thinking. Staring off into space and thinking. Finally, his eyes light up and he exclaims “Yes! A solution exists!” and he goes back to bed.
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
The engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke. He opens the door of his room and sees a small fire in the hall. He gets the ice bucket from his room, fills it to the top with water from the sink, takes it out into the hall, and throws it on the fire. The fire is out, and he goes back to bed.
An hour later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens the door of his room and sees a small fire. He goes back into his room to get some instruments to take some readings from the fire. He goes back into his room and uses the 6 ounce water glass in the bathroom to measure out a precise amount of water so he can fill the ice bucket with just enough to put out the fire. He goes back into the hallway, douses the flames with water, and goes back to bed.
An hour later the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He opens the door of his room and sees a small fire. He stands there, thinking. And thinking. And thinking. Looking at the fire and thinking. Staring off into space and thinking. Finally, his eyes light up and he exclaims “Yes! A solution exists!” and he goes back to bed.
====================================================
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
Perhaps my math ed. didn't go far enough. I've never taken a math course were verifying a problem was soluble was sufficient. We had to solve the problem. - but -
kudos to the engineer & physicist.
So silly, it's like a setup of a joke.
- wheee -
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Two priests decided to take a vacation in Hawaii. Wanting to really relax, they agreed — no collars, no black suits, nothing that would give away they were clergy.
As soon as their plane landed, they hit a local shop and bought the wildest tourist outfits you could imagine — flashy shirts, loud shorts, sandals, sunglasses — the whole package.
The next morning, they hit the beach, dressed head to toe like total tourists. Sitting back in their chairs, sipping drinks, soaking in the sun — life was perfect.
That’s when a stunning blonde in a tiny bikini strolled right past them, smiled sweetly, and said,
“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.”
She nodded at each of them and walked away like it was the most normal thing in the world.
The priests were floored. How on earth did she know?
Determined not to be recognized, the next day they went back to the store and bought even crazier outfits — the kind you can hear before you see! Dressed in their new, over-the-top beachwear, they returned to the sand, ready to blend in.
But wouldn’t you know it — the same blonde appeared, this time in an even tinier string bikini. She walked right up to them, flashed a smile, and once again said,
“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.”
Finally, one priest couldn’t take it anymore and asked,
“Excuse me, young lady, we are priests — but how in the world did you know?”
She laughed and replied,
“Oh, come on, Father! It’s me — Sister Angela!”
As soon as their plane landed, they hit a local shop and bought the wildest tourist outfits you could imagine — flashy shirts, loud shorts, sandals, sunglasses — the whole package.
The next morning, they hit the beach, dressed head to toe like total tourists. Sitting back in their chairs, sipping drinks, soaking in the sun — life was perfect.
That’s when a stunning blonde in a tiny bikini strolled right past them, smiled sweetly, and said,
“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.”
She nodded at each of them and walked away like it was the most normal thing in the world.
The priests were floored. How on earth did she know?
Determined not to be recognized, the next day they went back to the store and bought even crazier outfits — the kind you can hear before you see! Dressed in their new, over-the-top beachwear, they returned to the sand, ready to blend in.
But wouldn’t you know it — the same blonde appeared, this time in an even tinier string bikini. She walked right up to them, flashed a smile, and once again said,
“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.”
Finally, one priest couldn’t take it anymore and asked,
“Excuse me, young lady, we are priests — but how in the world did you know?”
She laughed and replied,
“Oh, come on, Father! It’s me — Sister Angela!”