Shiftless2
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Just saying ....
Just a little humor
- Thread starter Shiftless2
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
Too good not to share ....
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
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THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Italian Altar Boy Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.".
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Ruh roh, Raggy
And they would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
And they would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque .
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque .
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"
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Shiftless2
Well-known member
I'm sure that this was posted before but it's still good for a chuckle
To all my fellow grandpas…
Yesterday, my daughter emailed me again. Same old question: “Dad, why don’t you do something useful with your time?”
As if sitting by the pool with a cold beer in hand isn’t useful. Personally, I think it’s a full-time job.
But no—according to her, I should be productive. She even suggested I head down to the Senior Center and “hang out with the fellas.”
So, to make her happy, I went.
When I got home, I decided to have a little fun. I emailed her back: “Guess what? I joined the Senior Parachute Club today!”
Within minutes, she fired back: “Are you crazy, Dad? You’re 68 years old! You’re going to start jumping out of airplanes now?”
I replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve already got my membership card.” And to prove it, I attached a scan.
Seconds later, my phone rang. She was practically shrieking: “Good grief, Dad! Where are your glasses?! That’s not a Parachute Club card—it’s a Prostitute Club card!”
I paused dramatically, then told her: “Oh man… I think I’m in real trouble. I signed up for five jumps a week!”
The line went dead.
Life as a senior isn’t always easy—but let me tell you, it’s never boring.
To all my fellow grandpas…
Yesterday, my daughter emailed me again. Same old question: “Dad, why don’t you do something useful with your time?”
As if sitting by the pool with a cold beer in hand isn’t useful. Personally, I think it’s a full-time job.
But no—according to her, I should be productive. She even suggested I head down to the Senior Center and “hang out with the fellas.”
So, to make her happy, I went.
When I got home, I decided to have a little fun. I emailed her back: “Guess what? I joined the Senior Parachute Club today!”
Within minutes, she fired back: “Are you crazy, Dad? You’re 68 years old! You’re going to start jumping out of airplanes now?”
I replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve already got my membership card.” And to prove it, I attached a scan.
Seconds later, my phone rang. She was practically shrieking: “Good grief, Dad! Where are your glasses?! That’s not a Parachute Club card—it’s a Prostitute Club card!”
I paused dramatically, then told her: “Oh man… I think I’m in real trouble. I signed up for five jumps a week!”
The line went dead.
Life as a senior isn’t always easy—but let me tell you, it’s never boring.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Not far off .....
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
You have to wonder if the postie did this on purpose or are they just that oblivious
#994 - Your $Tax $Dollars at work ... *
Before self-serve gasoline stations proliferated, I fueled automobiles for extra $cash, in the early 1970's.
Some customers, perhaps especially those from the South that wanted -premium-, fuel designed for high-compression engines, ordered: "All the way with ethyl !"
No — ethyl had nothing to do with anything feminine. The word was short for tetraethyl, an compound added to gasoline to boost its octane rating. Ed Rood
Some people like talkin' dirty.
Still others welcome the appearance, without actually doing so. "Plausible deniability".
* ... or not. In the nascent A.I. era, can't be sure.
My vote: yes, on purpose.
Before self-serve gasoline stations proliferated, I fueled automobiles for extra $cash, in the early 1970's.
Some customers, perhaps especially those from the South that wanted -premium-, fuel designed for high-compression engines, ordered: "All the way with ethyl !"
No — ethyl had nothing to do with anything feminine. The word was short for tetraethyl, an compound added to gasoline to boost its octane rating. Ed Rood
Some people like talkin' dirty.
Still others welcome the appearance, without actually doing so. "Plausible deniability".
* ... or not. In the nascent A.I. era, can't be sure.
Shiftless2
Well-known member
Shiftless2
Well-known member
