Just a little humor

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance.

However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Q. When does a joke become a dad joke?
A. When the punchline is apparent.

Q. What do you call bears with no ears?
A. “B”!

Q: What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
A: Their crews were marooned.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)

WIFE: Honey, let’s play a game!
HUSBAND: Alright, what’s the game?
WIFE: It’s easy. If I name a country, you run to the left wall. If I name a bird, you run to the right wall. But here’s the catch—if you make a mistake, you owe me your entire salary this month.
HUSBAND: Hmm, fine. But if you make a mistake, I get your salary, deal?
WIFE: (smirking) Deal!
HUSBAND: Alright, let’s do this. (stands up, ready to move)
WIFE: Okay, ready?
HUSBAND: Ready!
WIFE: TURKEY.
And now, four hours later…
The husband is still standing in the middle of the room, frozen, trying to figure out whether she meant the country or the bird.

George, an 83-year-old man, was heading to bed when his wife pointed out that the light in the garage was still on. From the bedroom window, she noticed movement inside.

Curious, George opened the back door to check, only to spot people rummaging through his garage, clearly up to no good.

He quickly called the police and explained the situation. The officer on the line asked, “Is your garage attached to your house?”

George replied, “No, it’s detached.”

The officer then said, “All units are currently busy. Please stay inside, lock your doors, and we’ll send someone as soon as possible.”

George hung up, paused for a moment, and then picked up the phone again. This time, he told the dispatcher, “I just called about the people in my garage. You don’t need to hurry anymore—I’ve taken care of it. I’ve shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within minutes, George’s quiet neighborhood turned into a scene out of an action movie. Six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance all arrived in record time. The officers swarmed the property and quickly apprehended the burglars, catching them red-handed in the act.

One of the officers approached George, clearly puzzled. “I thought you said you’d shot them?”

With a sly smile, George replied, “And I thought you said no one was available!”

Shiftless2 said:

"Austria and Australia are often confused not just by travellers, but " #903

Click to expand...

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE...BUT STILL GOOD FOR A LAUGH...

The ‘Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and. I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.