Just a little humor

"I'm not allowed to go fishing fishing with Sam anymore" #780
"fishing fishing"?
Because your wife suspected something fishy fishy?

I sat with the duchess for tea.
It was just as I'd feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
were simply abominable
and everyone thought it was me!

Is "Sam" simply brandishing a trophy?
Or is that her scapegoat for an indistinguishably similar odor?

Apparently there's supposed to be a fish in this picture ... #780
Both tastefully air-brushed.

Imagine the dinner possibilities! Can you say omega-3 fatty acids?
 
ENJOY!
😂
“After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
🙂
 
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven. Before they’re allowed to enter the gates, they’re greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them there are rules before he allows them in.
“In order to get into heaven, you must each produce something that represents Christmas and the holiday season.”
The first man digs deep into his pockets and pulls out a match. He lights it.
“This is to represent a candle of hope,” he says.
Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a set of keys and shakes them in Peter’s face.
“This represents the sound of Christmas bells,” he says.
Peter also allows him to enter.
When it’s the third man’s turn, he pulls out a pair of red panties
1750249281070.png
The man smirks, "They're Carol's."
 
When it’s the third man’s turn, he pulls out a pair of red panties
The man smirks, "They're Carol's."

Evolution01.JPG

They're Carol's, and she's 125 years old.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


clap·board (klăbərd, klăpbôrd′)
n.
A long narrow board with one edge thicker than the other, overlapped horizontally to cover the outer walls of frame structures. Also called weatherboard.
tr.v. clap·board·ed, clap·board·ing, clap·boards
To cover with clapboards.
[Partial translation of Dutch klaphout : klappen, to split, crack + Middle Dutch holt, board.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2022 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.
 
Not strictly a joke but found this funny in any case

What’s the most savage yet classy response you’ve ever given?

I am a lecturer, I teach mathematics. One day, in a shopping center parking, I was looking for a parking space. The parking was quite busy, everyone was looking for a space to park. I eventually found a space, when I parked my car, I noticed that someone was standing by the driver’s door looking at me! I got out to see what he wanted. I must mention that I am not from the country I live in. As soon as I got out of the car, he said “you bloody foreigner why don’t you go home?!”. I was shocked to hear that but he continued insulting me and saying why don’t you go home? I really don’t know what I did to upset him, I saw him looking for his car when I entered the car park. The crowd in the car park were looking at us because he was quiet loud. I thought of something to say, I took a pen out of my pocket and an old shopping receipt. I wrote a second order differential equation on the back of the receipt. I showed it to the man and I said “ sir I will go back under one condition, you have to solve this differential equation. He looked at me and then the scribe on the paper, he left without saying a word.
 
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Is it one or two?
One … or two? ...
 
I'm sure this was posted earlier but I'm too lazy to go back and look for it

A Florida highway patrol officer pulled over a guy on a Harley for speeding. He walked up to the biker and said, “Let’s start with your name.”

“Fred,” the man replied.

“Fred what?” asked the officer.

“Just Fred.”

The officer, in a good mood, figured he might let him off with a warning. But he decided to have a little fun and pushed, “Come on now—what’s your last name?”

Fred sighed. “Well, I used to have one… but I lost it.”

Now curious, the officer raised an eyebrow. “Lost it? How do you lose a last name?”

Fred took a deep breath. “It’s a long story. But here goes:

I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard, went to medical school, became a doctor—Fred Johnson, M.D.

After a few years, I got interested in dentistry, went back to school, and became Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S.

Then I made some bad choices, got involved with my dental assistant… and ended up with an infection. So I was Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S., with a V.D.

The dental board didn’t like that. They pulled my D.D.S., so I became Fred Johnson, M.D., with a V.D.

Then the medical board found out, and there went my M.D. Now I was just Fred Johnson… with a V.D.

And finally, the V.D. took away my Johnson.

So now… I’m Just Fred.”

The officer was crying.

Not out of pity—but from laughing so hard, he couldn’t even write the ticket.
 
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