Just a little humor

An oldie but worth repeating

I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco , the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: They have two left feet?

Q. What do you call bears with no ears?
A. “B”!

Q. What mouse walks on two feet?
A. Mickey.

Q: What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
A: Their crews were marooned.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
A: Because they’re such fungis!

Q. When does a joke become a dad joke?
A. When the punchline is apparent.
 
Pretty sure I posted this before but ....

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to see some of Italy’s beautiful beaches but wanted to make a stop in Rome first. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s a laugh,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people are trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel?”

“Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down, he spoke to me.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?”
 
Shiftless2 said:
"... crappy haircut?” #683
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We have the totally wrong guy in the white house.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my woman’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that we’re out of paper towels.
 
Predictable but still good for a chuckle

A mathematician is walking, when he comes across a field full of sheep. He approaches the shepherd and asks “If I can tell you how many sheep you have here, may I take one home for my dinner?”

The shepherd agrees, and the mathematician counts the number of sheep in a patch, then counts the number of patches in the field, completes a quick multiplication and says “you have 1063 sheep.”

The shepherd replies “Wow! I just counted them this morning, and there are exactly 1063!”

The mathematician grabs the closest animal and slings it over his shoulder and begins to walk away. The shepherd calls after him “If I can guess your profession, can I have my animal back?”

The mathematician turns, and agrees. The shepherd says “You are a mathematician!”

Dejected the mathematician asks “How did you know that?” and the shepherd replied “If you put down my dog, I’ll tell you”.
 
Shiftless2 said:
“If you put down my dog, I’ll tell you”. shepherd
Click to expand...
Because all mathematicians are stupit? They're not taxonomists? Revised definition of the term "dog food"?

Shiftless2 said:
" the mathematician counts the number of sheep in a patch, then counts the number of patches in the field, completes a quick multiplication and says “you have 1063 sheep.” #687
Click to expand...
b - b - b - but #687,
1,063 is prime. So even if the population distribution were uniform enough for this methodology to produce an accurate total, the total it would produce could not be a prime number.

a) 1744549508679.jpeg b)1744549636769.webp

Numbers humor. Never overlook the amusement factor.
 
The best part - imagining some of these kids going home and telling their parents this story

**You Might Have Heard This Before, But It's Still Worth a Laugh: The ‘Middle Wife’ Story by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher**
I've been teaching for around fifteen years, and though I have two kids of my own, the most memorable birth story I’ve encountered happened in my second-grade classroom a few years ago.
As a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I make sure to have a few sessions with my students. It’s a great way to help them overcome shyness. Generally, show-and-tell is pretty tame: kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they've caught—nothing too out of the ordinary. I always encourage them to share whatever they're excited about, no matter how big or small.
One day, a bright and outgoing little girl named Erica took her turn. She waddled up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She held up a snapshot of a newborn baby and announced, “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.”
“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”
With her hands still on the pillow, I tried to keep a straight face and wished I had a camcorder to capture this moment. The kids watched in amazement.
“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh!’” Erica put a hand behind her back and groaned. “She walked around the house for, like, an hour, going ‘Oh, oh, oh!’” (At this point, Erica was doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
“My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.” (Erica lay down with her back against the wall.)
“Then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshheew!” (Erica spread her legs with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
“Then the middle wife starts saying ‘Push, push,’ and ‘Breathe, breathe.’ They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.”
“When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.”
With a grand theatrical bow, Erica returned to her seat. I’m pretty sure I was the loudest in my applause.
Ever since that day, I bring my camcorder on show-and-tell days, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ makes an appearance!
 
HELLO? Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause,

Daddy says, But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.

Brief pause. Uh, OK then, I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and shout that Daddys car just pulled up.

Ok da...ddy just a minute. A few min later, the girl comes back to the phone. I did it Daddy. And what happened honey?

Well, Mommy jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming, then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!

Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped out the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I don't think he's moving! Really long pause. Then

The dad says, Swimming pool? Uh..Is this 212-5309?

The girl says, No I think you have the wrong number
 
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When Dave was visiting farmer Jones, he noticed a 3 legged pig in the barnyard.
Dave tried to ignore it. But soon his curiosity got the better of him.
"Jonesy, why does that pig only have 3 legs?"
"That's the most fantastic pig ever!
When the farm house caught fire at 2:AM, that pig made such a ruckus it woke us up.
And it woke us up soon enough we were able to put the fire out ourselves. Without him, we might have burned to death.
When Mildred fainted, and fell over in the path of the columbine as I was backing it up, that pig clamped his jaw on the collar of her jacket,and dragged her to safety. Otherwise I'd have run her over, and killed her, and our baby son she was pregnant with."
Dave asked: "A pig with three legs was strong enough to drag a pregnant woman?"
Jones replied: "Oh no. He had four legs back then."
Dave: "Well what happened to his leg?"
Jones: "A pig that good, you don't eat all at once!"
 
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