Just a little humor

"Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you so much for trying to educate people regarding god's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:12 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
But I need some advice from you, regarding some of the other specific laws and how best to follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord (Leviticus 1:9), the problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should Ideal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery as suggested by Exodus 21:7. What do you think a fair price would be?
I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 19:24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking. But some women take offense.
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I obliged morally to kill him myself, or may I hire a hit-man?

I know you have studied these things extensively, and so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that god's word is eternal, & unchanging."
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "'All of You bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the Fat Controller in the kitchen."
 
When Gandhi was studying law at the University of London, he had a professor named Peters who couldn’t stand him.

But Gandhi wasn’t the type you could intimidate. One day, Professor Peters was having lunch in the cafeteria when Gandhi sat down right next to him.

Peters said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do realize that a pig and a bird can’t eat together?”

Gandhi smiled and replied, “No problem, Professor. I’ll fly away,” and calmly moved to another table.

Annoyed, the professor decided to get back at him during the next exam—but Gandhi answered every question flawlessly.

So Peters tried a trick question:

“Mr. Gandhi, let’s say you’re walking down the road and find a bag. Inside are two things—wisdom and a pile of cash. Which one do you take?”

“Of course the cash, Professor.”

“Ah, I’d take wisdom,” Peters said smugly.

“You’re right, Professor,” Gandhi replied. “Everyone chooses what they lack.”

Fuming, Peters scribbled the word Idiot on Gandhi’s exam paper and handed it back.

Gandhi glanced at it, walked up to the professor’s desk, and said with a polite smile,

“Sir, you signed my test, but forgot to give me a grade.”
 
An oldie but still good for a laugh

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WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

  • a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
  • a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
  • a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
A man, growing frustrated with his daily routine, began resenting his wife for staying home while he worked long hours. One evening, he knelt in prayer and said:

"Dear Lord, I work tirelessly every day while my wife stays home. She has no idea how hard my life is. Please, let us trade places for just one day so she can see what I go through."

In His infinite wisdom, God granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, the man woke up in his wife’s body. Determined to prove his point, he jumped right into the day.

He cooked breakfast, woke the kids, picked out their school clothes, packed lunches, and dropped them off at school. Returning home, he picked up the dry cleaning, ran errands at the bank, and did the grocery shopping—then came home to unload and organize it all.

By mid-morning, he was already feeling frazzled, but the tasks didn’t stop. He paid bills, balanced the checkbook, cleaned the litter box, bathed the dog, and tidied up the house.

At 1 P.M., he realized he was barely halfway through. He made the beds, tackled piles of laundry, vacuumed, dusted, and mopped the kitchen floor. Then it was time to race back to the school to pick up the kids, argue with them on the ride home, and serve milk and cookies while juggling their homework struggles.

At 4:30, he started dinner prep: peeling potatoes, washing vegetables, snapping beans, and breading pork chops. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher, folded more laundry, bathed the kids, and wrangled them into their pajamas before tucking them into bed.

By 9 P.M., completely exhausted, he climbed into bed, ready to finally call it a day. But of course, there was still one more duty expected of him—making love. He managed without a word of complaint, then collapsed into the deepest sleep of his life.

The next morning, he woke up in a panic and dropped to his knees, praying:

"Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking! I was so wrong to envy my wife. Please, I beg you, let us switch back!"

God, in His infinite wisdom, replied,
"My son, I’m glad you’ve learned your lesson. I will change things back—but you’ll have to wait nine months."

Horrified, the man stammered, “Nine months? Why?”

God chuckled softly and said,

"Because you got pregnant last night."
 
A modest man was in the hospital undergoing a battery of tests, the last of which had left his system in complete disarray. After a few false alarms that sent him rushing to the bathroom in vain, he convinced himself the latest urge was just another false call. Resolute, he decided to stay put.
To his utter horror, he was wrong. Suddenly, he soiled the bed, leaving him mortified and unable to think straight. Panic set in. Desperate to hide the evidence, he leapt out of bed, grabbed the soiled sheets, and flung them out the hospital window in a blind frenzy.
Down on the street, a tipsy old drunk was meandering by, enjoying his evening stroll. Without warning, the soiled sheets landed squarely on him, wrapping around him like some malevolent specter.
Startled and confused, the drunk erupted into a cacophony of shouts and swears, flailing his arms wildly as he tried to fight off the mysterious assailant. After a chaotic struggle, the sheets finally dropped to the ground in a messy heap at his feet.
He stood there, wobbling slightly, staring down at the tangled mess in disbelief. Just then, a hospital security guard, who had witnessed the entire spectacle from a nearby bench and was barely managing to suppress his laughter, approached the scene.
Trying to sound professional despite the grin tugging at his lips, the guard asked, “Sir, what’s going on here?”
The old drunk, still catching his breath and looking shaken, replied, “I don’t know what just happened, but I think I beat the crap out of a ghost.”
 
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https://imgur.com/LpYDfDv

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"A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her son’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter...

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor...

“Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says...

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first, she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word."
.
 
"Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes." Benjamin Franklin

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. Will Rogers

Thanks Will. Tell your brother Roy I said hello.
 
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